Page 113 of Red Rooster

Someone in the next room banged on the wall. “Shut up!”

They both jumped, strung tight as racehorses. And then they settled, and stared at one another. Breathing through their mouths.

Rooster wished a sudden earthquake would split the world open and swallow him whole. The way she was looking at him…he just…

He cleared his throat. His face felt hot and it took him a moment to realize that he was blushing – possibly for the first time ever. “I, uh…” He coughed. “I didn’t…mean it like that. All…caveman-y and shit. That’s not…I mean…”

She threw herself at him. Pressed her face to his breastbone and wrapped her arms tight around his waist. Gasped, and shuddered, and stood trembling against him.

A sensation too visceral and painful to be called relief swelled inside him, surged out of the cracks of something dark and ugly that had fractured when she grabbed for him, unhesitating and trusting. He put his arms around her in turn, hand cradling the back of her head, holding her there.

Her lips moved against his chest, a quiet murmuring he couldn’t hear.

He dropped his face into her hair, trying to hear, but trying to get closer, too. Smell her shampoo, and her skin, feel the warmth of her, even though she shivered like she was cold. “What?”

It was a chant: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m…”

“No,” he said. “No, no, sweetheart. Don’t be sorry.”

But he was, because he’d made her cry, and made her think that he would abandon her. That was maybe the worst thing he’d ever done.

“Red, listen to me,” he said, as gently as he could manage. “And listen good, because you know I’m not any good with words, so I probably won’t be able to repeat it.”

She sniffled, and made a noise that might have been a weak chuckle.

“I – I died over there. The thing they loaded in that helo that day was just a corpse.”

“Don’tsaythat.”

“It’s true. You gave me a reason to get up in the mornings again. Made it so Ican. So don’t…” He trailed off into a sigh. He wasn’t saying this right, and he knew he never could, but it wasimportant. “I don’t know how all of this is gonna turn out in the long run.” Secretly, he knew that there was a clock somewhere, ticking down to the zero hour when he finally got caught unawares and taken out. Just like he’d known on this last deployment, when he’d shielded Deshawn with his body: his days were numbered; he gave them willingly so that someone worthier might live. But. “But I’ll never walk away,” he told her. “I won’t ever leave you. So get that out of your head right now, alright? I can’t promise I won’t be kinda crazy.”

She tipped her head back, her chin resting on his sternum, tear-bright eyes looking up into his. A crooked, tremulous little smile touched her mouth.

“I’m a Marine, kid, it just comes with the territory.”

“I know.” She settled again, cheek pressed over his thudding heart. “I’m just sorry you don’t get to do normal things.”

“What’s normal, huh? Rush hour traffic and the bar scene? Nuh-uh. I ain’t missing that.”

She hesitated a breath, and then, just a whisper: “You could have a family.”

He squeezed her gently, combed his fingers through her hair. “Ihavea family. Right here with you.”

She dug the tip of her little nose into the groove under his pec and dissolved into silent, shaking tears.

Rooster held her, rocked them side-to-side, for a long time.