Page 165 of Reckless Hearts

Despite my personal embargo on anything related to Marcus, the New Zealand media has made it impossible for me to avoid knowing he’s been nominated for the Best Actor award at the Oscars.

The ceremony is being held right now. But I’ve resisted the urge to check the news on my phone to find out if he’s won. I don’t know if I could handle seeing his face, knowing how much it will mean to him, knowing I can’t share in his triumph.

I shut things down so completely between us.

It seemed like the best option at the time. To go completely cold turkey, to not just burn down the bridges connecting us, but to blow them up with dynamite. To make sure there was no going back.

Now… Now, I just desperately want to talk to him. I want it more than I want anything.

But who says he wants to hear from me?

Marcus has probably moved on. He’s the most beautiful man in the world. I am his best friend’s nerdy brother.

Yes, we had something special, but Marcus never wanted a future together.

He’s never tried to contact me. Now, after more than a year, I don’t know if Marcus keeping his word shows his respect for keeping his promise to me or if one part of him was secretly relieved things ended between us. That in hindsight and after therapy, he’s realized our relationship wasn’t the healthiest. That he needs to leave me in the past to move on.

The unsettled feeling stays with me at Jamie and Tim’s reception. The speeches are beautiful and full of love. The food is delicious. The company of the Rainbow Rascals is entertaining.

I try to hide how miserable I am.

Felix has us all in stitches talking about the time he accidentally used self-tanning lotion instead of sunscreen, leaving him looking like an overcooked carrot right before a crucial meeting. Jared watches him with a mix of affection and something else…almost wistfulness.

Jamie and Tim are circulating the room and come over to our table.

Scott scans them up and down. “I’m trying to see where they’ve attached the ball and chain.”

“We’re saving the chains for our wedding night.” Jamie gives a wink, and Scott rolls his eyes.

As we’re all laughing, my phone beeps.

It’s a message from Saskia with a YouTube link below it.

You need to see Marcus’s Oscar speech. It’s about you.

I stare at her message.

I suddenly feel lightheaded, my cheeks tingling as if all the blood is rushing from my face.

Saskia’s words swim on the screen. Marcus won the Oscar? And he talked about me?

I stand abruptly. “I’m so sorry. I’ve got to go.”

Jamie’s forehead furrows. “Everything all right?”

“Yeah, it will be,” I say.

I’m striding away from the table, pushing through the crowd, trying to get to a place where I can watch the video of Marcus’s speech in private.

My heart pounds so hard I can feel it in my throat.

Marcus mentioned me in his Oscar speech? What did he say? A thousand possibilities race through my mind. Did he mention me by name? Did he allude to our relationship? Did he thank me casually as one of the many people who helped him on his journey? Would him simply listing my name in a string of names be better than him not mentioning me at all? Would a casual “thanks to Seb Kleggs” hurt more or less than complete silence? At least if he didn’t mention me at all, I wouldn’t have to analyze the exact inflection in his voice, searching for hidden meaning in every syllable.

Both my mind and my stomach churn.

I make it to my car before I click on the link, my fingers shaking.

My chest immediately tightens at the sight of Marcus standing at the podium on stage at the Oscars, the golden statue glinting in his hand. The bright lights of the stage illuminate Marcus’s face, highlighting his chiseled jawline and perfect features.