Page 42 of Quest for her Knights (The Lost Souls of Dyconia #5)

Chapter twenty-nine

Ranger

S he’s trying to kill me.

Glancing over my shoulder yesterday and seeing her moan and thrust her hips against Arrow’s hand as they rode behind me was pure torture.

My mind and heart are in absolute turmoil right now. I feel terrible. I haven’t said a word to her since I found out she overheard me saying those lies two days ago.

I knew they were lies, I knew it when I said them. But lying to myself felt like the only way to keep my distance from her.

Of course she wasn’t just a fucking job.

And of course her happiness matters. I was so confused by my attraction to her that it messed with my head.

Knowing she asked Blaze to kiss her had me wondering what I would do if she asked me…

and I do n’t think I could’ve said no either.

It made me feel weak. And that made me angry.

I’m supposed to be the strong one. I’m not just the leader of this group, I’m the commander of the entire royal guard. I had no right to feel the way I did about the princess… even if she did want me.

But now the others have claimed her. Even my own brother has chosen to be with her, and I have no idea where that leaves me, or us.

What will the kings and Queen say when we return?

Will they throw us in prison? As much as they might refuse to allow us to be together, I’m pretty sure it’s not a punishable crime.

Unless they call it treason or claim we went against orders.

They rule fairly, so I have to hope they’ll understand the situation.

Elora isn’t really their daughter. And if she doesn’t want to marry one of the lords they’ve picked out for her, maybe they’ll understand that… eventually. Possibly.

The real problem is—I don’t know what to do.

Do I want her?

Abso-fucking-lutely .

Could I go against my oath as a knight to be with her?

Yes, in a heartbeat.

Would she even want me after what I said?

Doubtful.

But do I deserve to be with her?

No .

“Earth to Ranger.”

“Hmm?” I look to the side and see Arrow riding along beside me.

Glancing over my shoulder I see Elora riding with Draven and Blaze bringing up the rear. Wasn’t she riding with Blaze? How long had I zoned out for?

“I asked if you’re okay.”

“Yeah, fine,” I mutter, turning back to watch the path and the woods around us. I’m lucky we weren’t attacked while I was distracted.

“You can lie to yourself, but don’t lie to me.”

“Excuse me?” I ask, surprised by his tone.

“I know you’re not okay. Why don’t you talk to me about it?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Gee, thanks. I guess I’m just your dumb little brother who doesn’t know any better.”

I sigh in frustration. “That’s not what I meant, Arrow.”

“Then what did you mean?” I press my lips together, unsure how to answer without upsetting him. “You don’t think I’d understand that you’re struggling with your feelings for Elora and your duty as head of the royal guard?”

“That was part of my struggle, yes,” I admit.

“Was? So that’s not stopping you from being with her now?”

“No.”

“Then what is? ”

I stay silent and he sighs. “Ranger, if you can’t talk to me, who can you talk to?”

“Exactly.”

“I don’t think you’re being very fair to yourself right now.” I glance at him out of the corner of my eye, but he just looks ahead with frustration.

I sigh, realizing I owe him the truth. The truth I’ve never admitted out loud before. “It’s my fault,” I tell him.

“What is?”

“That she died.”

“Who?” he asks, frowning at me in confusion.

I glance at him as I answer, “Our mother.”

His eyes widen in surprise. “Ranger… What are you talking about? She died giving birth to me.”

“I should have done more to help, I should have been there.”

“You were six, what could you have possibly done?”

“I don’t know. I’m sure I could have been better behaved or been more helpful around the home.”

“Here you’ve been blaming yourself for mom’s death for thirty-three years, while I’ve been thinking that you blamed me for it.”

My mouth drops open, and I stare at him in horror. “Blame you ?!”

“Yeah. I mean, you are a great big brother to me, you helped me out a lot growing up but you were always a little distant. Especially when we got older and you stopped hanging out with me. I figured it was too painful for you to see me anymore.”

“Fuck, Arrow. I’ve messed everything up.” My hands tighten around the reins as I think about everything he just said.

He’s always been a hard worker, like he had something extra to prove. And even though he did everything with a joking attitude, I knew he was trying to impress me.

“I felt guilty,” I tell him. “I saw you trying to get my attention, but I felt guilty about Mom’s death. Seeing you was hard, not because I blamed you, but because you reminded me that I had failed her... and you... and our fathers.”

“You see now that isn’t true, right?”

I stay silent, trying to see it from his point of view. It’s difficult.

“Seriously, Ranger. Do you really believe that if you had behaved better, Mom wouldn’t have died during childbirth?”

“When you say it like that, it sounds dumb.”

“It is dumb.”

I glare at him, and he laughs.

“Sorry, but that might be what a six-year-old would think. You’re thirty-nine now. You need to wise up.”

I narrow my eyes, feeling the tension start to ease from my shoulders.

“When did you get so smart?”

“I’ve always been smart. You just haven’t looked hard enough. ”

“If you’re so smart, then tell me what I’m supposed to do now,” I ask, genuinely needing his input.

“Well, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want her?”

“More than anything.”

“Then you need to figure out a way to apologize and explain that you didn’t mean what you said.”

“I didn’t,” I say in defense.

“I know. I can tell when you’re lying. But she can’t. You hurt her. You need to fix it.”

“I have no clue where to begin.”

He sighs in annoyance. “I can’t do it all for you.”

I glance at him, and he rolls his eyes.

“Look, you’ve been with her for several months now. You know what she likes, what gets her excited, what makes her smile. I’m sure if you really think about it, you can figure out a way to apologize and show her what she means to you.”

We’re quiet for a few minutes while I think about what he said. Can I really do this? Can I let go of the past and move forward with the woman I love?

“Hey, Arrow?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

He grins, and I smile back. That might be the first smile we’ve shared in a very long time, and I hope it won’t be the last.