Page 39 of Pucking My Grumpy Accidental Husband

"Oh, uh... I was just curious? About the hype?"

"You were watching Fifty Shades of Grey. Alone. On a Tuesday night." Jamie's voice is thick with amusement. "That's either really sad or really progressive, man."

"It's research," Dax says quickly. "For understanding relationship dynamics."

"Right. And this understanding required pausing right at the part where he's tying her up?"

Oh God. We paused it during a sex scene.

"I'll get plates," Dax says quickly.

"It's cool, I know where everything is." Jamie's voice is getting closer to my hiding spot. "Though I gotta say, this explains why you've been acting so weird lately. How long has it been since you got laid?"

"I'm not talking about my sex life with you," Dax replies.

"We literally discussed your dating dry spell for three hours last month. You said dating apps are 'a psychological hellscape designed to destroy human connection.'"

That actually sounds exactly like something Dax would say.

"Can we just eat and watch hockey highlights like normal people?" Dax asks, sounding desperate.

"Fine, but I'm keeping the Fifty Shades thing for future blackmail." Jamie's footsteps pause. "Did you hear that?"

My stomach drops. I must have made noise shifting position.

"I didn't hear anything," Dax says carefully.

"There it is again. Sounds like... scratching or something. Coming from over here?"

I hold my breath, pressing myself against the cabinet.

"Probably just the building settling," Dax suggests.

"Dax, the building doesn't settle in a rhythm. That sounds like something moving around."

"Maybe it's a mouse," Dax says.

"A mouse? In our apartment?" Jamie sounds horrified. "If we have mice, I'm calling an exterminator immediately. Sofia's coming over this weekend, and she has a phobia about rodents."

The footsteps are getting closer. The pantry door is about three feet to my left. If I can just crawl quietly enough...

I start moving, staying low and praying my knees don't crack. The pantry door is slightly ajar...

"There!" Jamie's voice is sharp. "I definitely heard something that time. Coming from near the pantry."

I throw myself the last few feet and slip inside the pantry, pulling the door closed just as Jamie rounds the corner.

"See? Nothing there," Dax says, voice strained.

"I swear I heard something." Jamie's voice is right outside the pantry door.

I'm pressed against the door, surrounded by canned goods, trying not to breathe too loudly.

"You know what?" Dax says. "I think I left the window open in my bedroom. Could be wind rattling something."

"Wind doesn't make scratching noises, Dax."

"Sure it does. Wind can make all sorts of weird sounds when it hits things at the right angle."