Page 8 of Pucking Forbidden (Pucked Up Love #4)

“You’re right. It isn’t me.” He curves his hand around my jaw, tipping my head back. “What’s between us has nothing to do with your brother. This is about you and me and what’s always been between us, Sutton.” His lips brush mine. “From day fucking one, I wanted more than I should have.”

I pull back to look at him. “You never said anything.”

“You were still seventeen when we met, baby.” Guilt flickers across his expression. “Maybe I felt like an asshole for wanting what I knew I shouldn’t.”

“Jordan.” My heart clenches and twists. “You really think that?”

He shrugs, his gaze sliding from mine. “You weren’t even legal, Sutton. And you were my best friend’s sister. So, yeah, I felt like an asshole. I tried like hell not to feel it. I tried to ignore it. I tried every-goddamn-thing to pretend it away back then.”

I stare at him for a long moment, turning over his revelation. Scrutinizing his expression. And then I gasp. “You let Jamison lie to me because of it, didn’t you?”

He doesn’t say anything, but the truth is painted across his face. And that breaks my heart for him. He didn’t destroy his life to protect my brother’s secret. At least, not entirely. He did it because… God, because he didn’t feel worthy of me. That makes me want to cry.

“You couldn’t help the way you felt, Jordan. Just like I couldn’t help it,” I whisper, reaching for his hand. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Not sure the rest of the world would agree, princess.”

“Fuck the rest of the world!” I cry softly, which makes him look at me again, as if he’s surprised by my vehemence.

I laugh, a painful, raw sound. Maybe I was still three months from my eighteenth birthday when we met.

Maybe the world would have judged him for falling for me, but legally, I was over the age of consent.

And there was nothing to judge. He never said a word.

He never touched me. Until today, he never kissed me.

He was a perfect gentleman. “The rest of the world doesn’t know you.

I do. You didn’t do anything wrong. You kept your distance and treated me with respect.

God, I was so desperate to make you fall for me because I didn’t even know you felt that way. ”

“No trying needed, princess. I was fucking wild for you from the day we met.” He sighs quietly, his brows furrowed. “That’s why…”

“Why you let Jamison lie to me,” I finish for him.

He jerks his chin in a nod.

“What did he do?” I ask…pleading quietly for an answer.

“Doesn’t matter now.”

I laugh in disbelief. “Are you kidding me? It absolutely matters now! He ruined your life to keep it hidden, and you let him. You wouldn’t have done that without a damn good reason, and feeling guilty for falling for me wasn’t a good enough reason, Jordan. So I want to know why.”

“Let it go, Sutton.”

“No!” I try to roll away from him, frustrated, but he reels me right back in, pressing up against me. I huff, glowering at him.

“Some things, you don’t need to know.”

“He said the same thing.”

“Well, at least we agree on something,” Jordan grunts, planting a hand on my bare ass. “He’s right. You don’t need to know.”

I close my eyes, slowly counting to five.

“What are you doing?”

“Searching for the patience not to strangle you.”

His soft chuckle grates against my womb in a way that should be illegal. “You’ve never been patient.”

“So I should just strangle you then.”

“Shit. Probably.” He laughs louder, and God, I love that sound. It’s hard to be mad at him when that sound melts me like it does. It’s deep and gritty, rusty almost. But perfect.

“Jerk,” I mumble without heat.

He squeezes my ass cheek, sobering. “I’m not telling you what he did. If that’s a dealbreaker for you, tell me now, Sutton.”

Is it?

God, is that even a question? As much as I want the truth, I’ve always wanted him more. That hasn’t changed. I don’t think it ever will. But…can I live knowing that he’s intentionally keeping something from me?

I don’t know.

“Will you at least tell me exactly why you let me believe it?” I whisper. “I know it wasn’t just because you felt guilty about me.”

He expels a sigh. “What do you want me to say?”

“The truth, obviously.” I roll my eyes, annoyed. How is that even a question?

He’s quiet for a long moment, so long I almost give up on getting an answer.

But then he mutters a soft curse. “Had I pushed the issue, the fallout would have hurt you. You would have felt like you were choosing between me and him, and I didn’t want that to happen.

He always loved you beyond reason. I figured you were better off with him than with me.

I didn’t have a goddamn thing to offer you at that point, and I was facing potential jailtime.

You didn’t need to be mixed up in that. So I just…

didn’t correct you the day you came to see me. ”

“You chose for me.”

“Yeah. Had I known…” He swallows hard, regret in his eyes. “Well, maybe I would have chosen differently. I don’t fucking know. But I thought I was doing right by you, giving you the best chance to keep what was left of your family intact.”

I process his response for a moment, trying to sort out how I feel about it.

I should be pissed. He made a decision for me that was mine to make, one that changed both of our lives.

But without even knowing exactly what my brother did, it’s so damn hard to say he was wrong.

I’m driving blind here, grasping at straws.

And I’ve had five years of anger. Five years of being mad at him. Maybe I was mad for the wrong reasons, but the results were the same. Neither of us was happy. Neither of us moved on. And neither of us even had a clue the other felt the way we did.

More anger now isn’t going to change reality. And the reality is…even after five years, I never got over him. And I don’t think he ever got over me either. We’ve been in limbo, just waiting. Hoping.

Getting pissed all over again now won’t change the past. It won’t undo anything or give us back those five years. Why the hell waste more on an emotion that solves nothing and hurts us both?

Besides, Jamison is the one who told the lie. Whatever he did started the ball rolling down the hill. If anyone deserves my anger, it’s him. I’ve been pointing it at the wrong person for too long already. And frankly…I’m just done.

I’m not a pushover. I’m not spineless. I’m just tired. Of waiting. Of living half a life. Of wondering what might have been. If this is my chance to find out, I want to take it. There’s no room for anger in that.

Sometimes, growing up means realizing that anger doesn’t solve anything. It just stands in the way.

“I wish you’d let me decide for myself,” I say.

“I wish the last five years hadn’t happened.

I’m not helpless and in need of protection.

” He opens his mouth to say something, but I throw up a hand, forestalling him.

“But I get that you were doing what you thought was best for me under the circumstances. I’m not thrilled about it, but you are who you are. ”

“And you are who you are,” he says softly. “He’s your brother, baby. He raised you. I don’t have to like him to respect that relationship. I won’t be the motherfucker who takes it away from you.”

“It’s that bad, huh?” I ask, my stomach quivering with anxiety.

Jordan jerks his chin in a nod.

I sigh quietly, not really surprised. It’s not like I didn’t already know, right? A lie big enough to ruin lives isn’t told for the hell of it. “Can I ask another question?”

“Yeah.”

I bite my lip, hesitating. Afraid to ask the question that’s bothered me for a long time. “Did he do something to Vanessa?”

Jordan doesn’t say anything…and I guess that’s my answer, isn’t it?

“I always wondered why she just quit school and cut me out of her life,” I whisper around the lump in my throat. For the longest, I thought maybe it was because Jamison was telling the truth. “I guess now I know, right? I lost you and my best friend because of my brother.”

Jordan presses his lips to the back of my hand.

“He doesn’t deserve your protection,” I mutter.

“It was never about protecting him, Sutton.” Jordan cups my cheek, tilting my head back until my eyes lock with his. “It’s always been about protecting you.”

“I wish you’d just tell me.”

“Ask him.”

I narrow my eyes on him. “He isn’t going to tell me.”

Jordan just shrugs like he doesn’t know.

“I want something.”

“Name it.”

I bite my lip, hesitating. “Talk to him when you’re there.”

“Fuck no.”

“Please?” I whisper.

“Fuck no, Sutton. I’ve got nothing to say to him.”

“Maybe he has something to say to you.”

“There’s not a goddamn thing he can say to make me forgive him for the last five years.” He strokes my cheek. “He didn’t just hurt me. He hurt you. Fuck him forever for that.”

I hesitate, wondering if I should tell him.

“He hurt himself, too.” Jordan doesn’t say anything, so I take that as my cue to continue.

“Obviously, I don’t know what he did to her, but whatever it was, I think he’s regretted it for a long time.

He…changed after she left him. He drinks alone a lot.

Management quietly sent him to rehab last year during the offseason.

If he doesn’t get it together soon, they may not renew his contract.

I don’t think he even cares. It’s like he hates himself.

” I shrug, not really sure why I’m telling Jordan any of this.

He doesn’t owe Jamison anything, not anymore.

Not after everything. But…he’s still my brother.

He’s still the guy who raised me after our parents died.

There’s not a switch I can flip to magically shut off a lifetime of loving him.

“Doesn’t change anything,” Jordan mutters.

“I know,” I whisper. “I didn’t really expect it to change anything. I guess I just thought you should know that he’s paying for it in some way.” It doesn’t feel like enough, not really. But I don’t say that.

It hurt enough to realize my brother lied for so long.

Knowing that he hurt everyone in the process and changed the trajectory of three lives feels like it might be too much to forgive.

How do I ever look at him the same way now?

He had years to make it right, and he chose not to do it.

He maintained the lie. Maybe he does regret it.

But I don’t think he regrets it enough. Certainly not enough to finally face it.

Instead, he just buries it in alcohol like he can drink away his shame.

He can’t. Just like I can’t wish it away. He needs to face what he’s done. But I can’t force Jordan to talk to him and make him face it. It’s not even fair that I asked.

“I’m sorry,” I murmur. “I shouldn’t have asked. You don’t owe anyone that.”

“You don’t owe me an apology. He’s your brother,” Jordan says, simply accepting what I’m still struggling with.

And maybe that’s why he didn’t tell me five years ago.

Because even though it should be ancient history now…

I’m still somehow in the middle, caught between the brother I thought I could trust with anything, and the man who risked everything.

There is no competition. I guess Jordan knows that, too. And maybe that’s why I could never let him go. Because there is no competition.

We sit quietly for a minute before he grunts and hauls me onto his lap. His lips come down on mine in a hard kiss. “New rule, princess. When you’re in my bed, we don’t talk about your brother. The only thing that exists is you and me.”

“Just me and you, huh?” I whisper, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, grateful for the distraction. Grateful that he’s here, giving me a chance to fix what we all played a part in breaking.

“Yeah. Just me and you.”

“You’ve got yourself a deal.”

He smirks against my lips, palming my ass. “Rules aren’t deals, Sutton. I give them. You obey them. Simple.”

I bite his lip, my core clenching. He’s too damn hot when he’s bossy. I shouldn’t like it, and yet…

“Make me,” I whisper, knowing exactly how that’s going to end. With me on my back, coming for my damn life.

Sounds like heaven.