Page 5
FOUR
REAL LOVE
I'M NOT OKAY: MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE
CALISTA
T he following days were a blur of anxious waiting, sleepless nights, and desperate prayers. We took turns at Ash's bedside, our clasped hands a testament to our unwavering bond, our silent prayers a plea for strength. Fear was a constant shadow, whispering doubts and anxieties. Yet, amidst the terror, a fierce determination burned—a shared resolve to fight harder than ever before. We would overcome this. We had to. For Ash. For ourselves. For the fragile fucking ember of hope that still flickered within us—a tiny spark in the overwhelming darkness.
It wasn't fucking easy. Knowing Ash lay before us, yet felt so distant, fucking shattered me, reigniting my many disorders with brutal force. All my progress vanished. Voices haunted my head for days, robbing me of sleep. Addy's constant presence, though supportive, evoked the claustrophobia of my childhood, the feeling of being trapped, chained to a bloodstained mattress in a dusty attic.
At home, I numbed the pain with drugs, neglecting even basic hygiene, consumed by guilt. The knowledge that Ash's overdose was drug-related held no sway over my addiction; I craved numbness above all else. My best friend's near-death experience meant nothing to the addict within. The desire to escape intensified. The stark realization—that I'd regressed significantly, perhaps even spiraled further than before—was devastating.
The others weren't doing much better. We all sought refuge in drugs, escaping into oblivion, a haze that dulled the agonizing reality of Ash's coma. We were too high to think about it. We never fucking forgot for a second about Ash, but the drugs made it easier to push the pain to the back of our minds... for the time being.
Trauma manifests differently for everyone; there's no single "right" way to cope. For us, drugs had always been a constant, a familiar crutch, especially in our darkest hours. Now, they were our constant companion once more. But we all knew that once the high wore off and the drugs were gone, we'd be hit ten times harder with the reality that Ash had overdosed and was now in a coma because of it. And shit, we were never ready for that moment. But it always came no matter fucking what.
But drugs weren't our only coping mechanism.
We threw ourselves at each other, spending all day and night fucking as roughly as we could and then fighting over mundane things. Killian painted more, not caring which building he defaced with his art. Five was holding more races, spending his free time in h-town, or the underground, as everyone called it. And Dom, fresh with his cast off, spent night after night racing, doing it more so for the rush than the winnings.
We also leaned on each other, a tangled, messy web of support that was as flawed as it was vital. We talked, sometimes, mostly about Ash, sometimes about the crushing weight of guilt that threatened to suffocate us. Other times, the silence was deafening, a heavy blanket woven from unspoken fears and shared grief. We cooked meals—terrible, haphazard meals that were more about the act of doing something together than the actual food. We watched movies, bad horror flicks that offered a brief respite from the gnawing anxiety. We cried—sometimes together, sometimes alone—the tears a silent testament to the pain that threatened to consume us.
Addy, bless her heart, tried to maintain some semblance of normalcy. She cleaned, she organized, she tried to coax me into eating something other than instant ramen. She was my anchor, my steady hand in the storm, but even she was fraying at the fucking edges. I saw it in the way she’d bite her lip when she thought I wasn't looking, in the way her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.
Her expressions mirrored mine because she was me, but I found myself having a hard time coming to terms with it all over again. She felt so real to me, but deep down I knew that she wasn't. Nobody could see her, but they could all see me talking to myself when, in my fucked-up mind, I was talking to Addy.
TWO WEEKS LATER
Another restless night unable to sleep, I force myself out of Ash's bed, where I've been sleeping alone, and wrap his blanket around me while I drag my feet down the dark hall, using the moonlight shining through the balcony doors as my guide.
I peek into Dom's room and see him passed out on his bed, curled up in the fetal position, Killian sprawled out comfortably right beside him, both snoring and sleeping soundly for the first time in the two weeks that Ash has been in the hospital.
A smile graces my lips at the sight, my frozen heart thawing little by little. I keep the door open a crack, continuing down the hall. Once I'm in the living room and I don't see Five, panic slowly creeps up my throat but slowly subsides as my eyes catch the flickering flame of a lighter on the balcony.
Wrapping the blanket tighter around me, I quietly slide open the door and step onto the cold wood with bare feet, startling Five and making him jump.
"Jesus, Cali. You scared the shit out of me," he says breathlessly, patting his lap for me to sit down.
"Sorry," I tell him, taking a seat, my back instinctively leaning against his chest. "I didn't mean to. I couldn't sleep, and then I saw the flame from your lighter and decided to join you."
He holds me tightly, the blunt hanging out of his mouth, smoke swirling between us, like we're trapped in some kind of fog. He smiles, his eyes squinting, puffy and red, a dead giveaway that he's been crying, just like I was. He hands me the blunt, and I take it without question, inhaling the potent smoke until it pours out of my nose from not being able to breathe. The cough jolts me awake, my lungs feeling like a fucking elephant is standing on my chest.
When his hand slips between the edges of the blanket and up the t-shirt I wore to bed, my head falls back onto his shoulder, my eyes closing from the comfort of his touch as he lightly grazes my stomach with his fingertips. I shiver, his hand slowly moving toward the apex of my thighs, covered only by the thin, silky fabric of my thong.
"Mmm," I moan, my voice echoing in the dead of night.
"Let me make you relax, Little Mystery," he whispers in my ear, swiftly dipping his fingers beneath the band of my underwear, teasingly gliding them up and down the slit of my pussy, making me wet.
I don't resist. I lean back further, spreading my legs as if to encourage him to take what he wants. And he fucking does. As he sinks his teeth into the side of my neck, he slides two fingers inside of me, pumping with perfection, his cock growing hard under my ass.
"Fuck this pussy is soaked," he grunts, thrusting in a corkscrew motion that makes my toes curl against the cold wood.
I wiggle my ass, feeling his cock twitch against it, a grin curling along my lips. Reaching under my ass, I manage to undo his zipper. Sensing where this heading, Five lifts his ass slightly, helping me pull his pants down, freeing his cock and letting it slap against my ass.
"Go ahead and sit on it, Cali. Be my good fucking girl," he growls, his sexy tone causing my legs to tremble.
I squirm on his lap, and he roughly grabs my neck, turning my head to the side while he tightens his grip. I bat my lashes, his eyes glistening, and smile as Five inches his mouth close to mine. Without warning, he slams his lips on mine, kissing me with urgency and dominance. His tongue explores the inside of my mouth like there's buried treasure in there that he's so desperate to find.
I cling to him, my nails sinking into the skin on the side of his thighs, my hips rolling to the beat of the bustling city below. I kiss him back, trying to keep up with each lash, flick, and brush of his tongue.
As we tangle together, the world around us fades away, the city's noisy heartbeat becoming a distant memory. I feel the heat radiating between us, igniting something deep inside me. Five’s hand finds its way to my waist, gripping me tightly, as if afraid I might slip away.
With a sudden movement, he pulls me closer, and my body melds against his. I can feel the pulse in his chest matching my racing heartbeat. The kiss deepens, and I surrender completely, lost in the sensations that flood my senses. Every breath, every touch, draws me further into this intoxicating moment. But just as quickly as it began, he breaks the kiss, lingering only a breath away. His eyes, fierce and smoldering, lock onto mine.
"You have no fucking idea what you do to me," he murmurs, his voice low and gravelly.
I feel the words wash over me, stirring a mixture of thrill and vulnerability in my chest.
A playful smirk dances on my lips, masking the flutter of nerves churning within. "Maybe I do," I reply coyly, letting the tease linger in the air between us.
There’s an electric tension, a promise of what’s to come, and I can feel it in every fiber of my being. With a swift motion, Five shifts slightly, his breath mingling with mine, creating a delicious atmosphere of anticipation.
“You think you can handle it?” he asks, his words dripping with challenge. The playful tension hangs thick, and I can’t resist his daring gaze.
“Oh, I’m just getting started,” I reply boldly, leaning in to capture his lips once more.
The urgency returns, our kisses growing more passionate, more desperate, as if we were the only two people in the universe. The chaos of the city below fades completely, leaving just the taste of exhilaration and the thrum of unanswered desires.
As our bodies press together, I feel the world ignite around us. I lift my ass and guide his cock inside me, sitting down with an arch in my back that makes him growl, squeezing my throat tightly. I rock and grind, my hair blowing in the wind, letting Five’s touch take me away.
The darkness consumes us again, making us feel one. Five yanks my head back and gives me a Spiderman kiss, thrusting his hips and pushing his cock even deeper. I swallow hard, feeling his palm practically crushing my windpipe. But I keep riding him, slamming down on his cock after slowly sliding up.
"You're fucking mine, Calista, aren't you?" Five asks out of nowhere, reminding me of the talk we had when I got his name tattooed on the back of my neck.
"Yes, I'm yours, Five," I grunt, rocking frantically back and forth so my clit rubs against his pelvis. "But if I'm yours, then you're mine... no one else's."
I hear him sigh, and then there's silence, so I try to turn around to look at him, but he forces my head forward and begins to fuck me from underneath me, and not gently either. Apparently unsatisfied, we stand up, still stuck together with his cock buried inside me. He forces me to the railing, bending me over it so my tits hang off the edge, and I feel like I'm half upside down.
"Five, don't drop me," I beg, suddenly afraid of something—possibly the first thing ever.
He laughs, but it's dark; his entire demeanor and attitude have shifted. "I won't drop you, but I am gonna fuck you... and it's gonna fucking hurt," he whispers, slamming me back on his cock so deep that I feel a sharp pain in my stomach.
I grip the railing as he fucks me, thrusting me into it over and over. His warm lips set fire to my back as he kisses along my shoulder blades and down my spine, his cock stretching me out with each stroke. Just as I feel myself about to come, Five pulls out, laughing evilly. I turn around, moving my head so fast I get dizzy. I don't even get a chance to speak before he shoves me against the railing again, keeping a firm hold on my lower back. And then he slides his cock into my ass, making me jump and shriek at the sudden shock. Something cold and hard eases into my pussy, but the familiar click and spring of the safety let's me know it's his gun right away.
"Five, wh?—"
"Shh, be a good girl. Be my good little psycho, and come all over my gun while I fill your tight little ass with my cum." He licks a line on my cheek, tracing my jaw, and gives me a painful yank of my hair as it’s wrapped around his knuckles.
"Why do you want me, Five?" I blurt out, my mind suddenly drifting further away.
He focuses on his thrusts—fast and deep in my ass and slow and teasing in my pussy, making me clench around his gun, gripping the railing tighter. He doesn't say anything for what feels like forever. And fuck, I feel like a fucking idiot inside for asking in the middle of us fucking. I regret it and suddenly wonder if I've ruined things between us.
But to my surprise, he finally answers.
"You were wearing this sexy black dress and high as fuck black heels. Your hair was still in perfect curls for the most part, but I could tell that something had just happened. I knew you didn't want to talk about it. You trusted me enough to ask to use my apartment to change," he grunts in my ear, slowing down, fucking my ass with more sensual thrusts, matching the rhythm of his gun.
"I can't believe you remember every detail," I whisper, feeling tears begin to prick my eyes as I look up at the stars.
"Of course I remember every detail, Calista. Shit, I remember more that I haven't said." He kisses the nape of my neck gently, swirling his tongue across my skin.
"Why?" I breathe heavily, my pussy squeezing the gun, my legs trying to lock around his hand as my orgasm rushes through me.
"Because, Little Mystery... that very first night was the night that I fell in love for the first time... and I fell in love with you." He continues to kiss both sides of my neck, yanking my ass on his cock as he fills me up, spilling every drop of his cum in my ass.
I don't know what to say. I'm literally frozen—frozen except for the orgasm fucking shattering me. I soak his gun and his hand, my head falling on his shoulder. Holding my hip, he chokes me again, cutting off all my air while he captures my lips and sucks all the air out of my lungs until I'm breathless. We're glued together, basically soaking in each other's cum as we stand on the balcony, not moving.
Finally he releases my lips, and I greedily gasp for air, shivering, and he moves his mouth to my ear. "I fell in love with you, Calista, and since that day, my feelings have only grown, and I've become even more obsessed with you. I'm not afraid to admit it."
"I love you too, Five," I tell him, his tongue licking the shell of my ear. "But I can't say the same thing. I didn't fall in love with you the first night," I admit, feeling ashamed. "I was in the middle of a psychotic break, and I had no fucking idea what I was doing or what was real."
"Guess what?" he asks, grinning wide.
"What?" I turn around, feeling the gun and his cock slide out of me, instantly making me feel cold and empty.
"I know that too. That's why I took it easy with you for a while. I could tell you weren't stable, but it made me love you even more."
He manages to get me back to the chair that we started in, tugging me onto his lap. Lighting two cigarettes, he hands me one, then wraps Ash's blanket around us, blocking our hot, sweaty bodies from the bitterness of the breeze. Shifting my body, I gaze up at him, my ass pressed firmly against his bare thigh. He takes quick rips off the cigarette, buying time before he decides to speak again. He's got more to say, but he doesn't know how. Maybe, but I can see it in his eyes—the hesitation.
"I didn't want to make things worse for you, Cali," he tells me, peering into my eyes with a very distant look. "You were this fragile little thing, broken and confused—or so I thought," he laughs, winking, giving me a reminder of one of our first times together. "Shit, you whipped my ass into shape, baby. You fucking took control and showed me how you wanted it—what you wanted to do to me—and what you wanted me to do to you. And I fucking loved it. That was my first time letting a chick be the dominant one, but with you, I didn't even hesitate. It just felt right, Cali. Everything about you felt right—everything about you still feels right." He places a single kiss on my shoulder, his eyes never leaving mine, his words making me speechless.
I don't know what to say, but I smile, the corners of my lips going past my eyes. He smiles back, hugging my shivering body tighter, his heartbeat calming my anxiety as the voices begin to start screaming in my head.
He can tell. He can tell that I'm not okay. I'm not doing alright at all. But he doesn't bring it up, which surprises me, and I'm more than fucking grateful for it. If it were any of the guys, they'd try to get me to talk about it, to open up. They'd try to fix the problem. They'd try their hardest to make me happy. And even though I love and appreciate them for it, sometimes I just need someone who understands my silence. Someone who doesn't push me... and Five is that person right now.
"You wanna know something else?" Five randomly asks, thankfully changing the subject.
"Always," I tell him, snuggling as close to his body as I can, my head laying on his shoulder as I sit on his lap, the cold city breeze sweeping stronger around us.
"You might not know when you fell in love with me too, but I know," he says as if it's a secret, one only he knows.
Which, if I'm thinking, he might very well be. I can't remember when I fell in love with him. I just know that I love him. I love him as much as I love Dom, Ash, even Killian. But me and Five have a different bond, one that me and the others don't have. And I'm so fucking here for it.
"Tell me, Five," I softly command, taking a small puff from my cigarette. "Tell me when I fell in love with you."
He smiles, winks, and grabs the back of my neck, pressing his fingers into his name tattooed back there, his mouth colliding with mine. The kiss is soft and passionate—nothing compared to how rough he was earlier. Pulling away, he licks my lips, kisses my nose, and holds my jaw between his fingers.
"The night you came to tell me you couldn't see me anymore was the first time you fell in love with me." He smiles, his eyes slightly widening as my jaw slightly drops.
"What?" I panic, suddenly remembering the night as if it were yesterday.
The guys and I had just talked about only fucking around with each other. Killian and Dom had to stop fucking their random girls they had lined up, and I had to stop fucking Five. I remember telling him fucking broke another piece of me. I had just begun to have feelings, and the guys were trying to shut them down. But because I loved them and wanted to make it work between us, I agreed, finally realizing that I was in love with Five. But it was too late.
But for him to know that even when I didn't, fuck it just goes to show that he really does love me; he really is obsessed. But I am too; I just have a hard time showing it. But I have a feeling that Five is going to help me with that part. In due time, of course.