Page 15

FOURTEEN

CONFESSIONS

CONFESSIONS PART II: USHER

CALISTA

H aving Ash home feels different this time. His usual openness and honesty struck a discordant note within me when he arrived in secrecy, leaving us in suspense with his silence. When I looked into his eyes last night, the comforting warmth I typically found there was absent. Instead, I saw a shadowy depth mingled with shame or denial—it was difficult to decipher.

Even though I felt hurt by his actions, it didn’t keep me from curling up with him in his room on his first night back. Words eluded us; we shared an unspoken understanding. Each time I stole a glance at him, his eyes were wide open, staring blankly at the ceiling, devoid of emotion. And though he remained silent, his expression conveyed a weight of unspoken truths.

Throughout the night, I lay awake, consumed by questions about what transpired during the brief moments between his release and his return home, though I kept those thoughts to myself. As dawn nudges its way through the frayed blanket draped over the window, his gentle snores envelope me in a soothing rhythm, compelling me to turn onto my side and watch him sleep like I've done so many times before.

His once sun-kissed skin has turned pale, rendering the bruises, scars, and track marks more pronounced. I reach out, running my fingers softly over one of his tattoos on his forearm, delighting in how goosebumps prickle his skin at my touch. He doesn't awaken, though he stirs slightly, his mouth parting, and his snores deepening.

I inch closer, letting my bare leg drape over his waist as I slowly move my hand to his chest, exposed and adorned with ink. I trace the lines of his tattoos, slipping into a trance as vivid images flicker in my mind. During his coma, our plans lay in limbo, everything on hold as we awaited his recovery. Now that he's home, I'm consumed by the desire to finish what I started—what we started. Gunnar will be the first to go. Just as my eyes begin to close, Ash’s soft voice pulls me back awake, only to find his eyes still shut.

"That feels so fucking good. Don’t stop," he murmurs, his face betraying no feeling.

"I had no intention of stopping," I whisper back, a smile teasing my lips—a smile he can’t see.

The pain that had etched itself onto his features last night lingers, gnawing at me with an insatiable curiosity about what he's hiding. I shift my leg further over his waist and prop myself up into a sitting position. His hands instinctively grip my hips the moment I settle my ass against him.

"Cali, I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you," he whispers, his voice cracking, his eyes fluttering open just enough for me to glimpse the darkness lurking within them, glistening with unshed tears.

"What are you saying? Of course you deserve me, Ash," I reassure him, struggling to swallow the lump that has suddenly lodged itself in my throat.

He shakes his head, his jaw tightening in a way that accentuates its sharpness. His grip on my hips tightens, fingers digging insistent grooves into my flesh. Something's amiss—something significant that can possibly upend the delicate balance between us, and I'm desperate to maintain it.

"Don’t say that shit," he implores, his voice barely above a whisper, as though uttering the words too loudly might shatter the fragile moment we’ve claimed for ourselves. "You deserve so much fucking more than what I can give you right now."

I search his eyes, desperately trying to understand the turmoil brewing beneath the surface. "You’re home," I counter gently, willing him to see the truth I cling to. "That’s what fucking matters. We’ll figure this shit out together."

His gaze drifts away from mine, returning to the ceiling, now mottled by the pale light of morning. For a heartbeat, I think he might retreat into the shadows again, but then he exhales slowly, as if weighing his options. The air hangs thick with anticipation, our unspoken fears and desires entwining like smoke in the stillness.

Leaning down, I align my mouth with his, reaching up to tangle my hands in his hair, gently tugging because I know how much he likes it. His eyes flutter, and he instinctively bites his bottom lip, his hips thrusting up to meet mine as I slowly and sensually grind on him. Moans of wanton need slip from our lips, our breaths thick in the air that swarms us, wrapping around us like a heated blanket, just fueling the fire of desire burning within us. Tears are shed as his eyes close, that pained look returning to his face, and it fucking breaks my heart.

I don't give a fuck what he did. I love him and always will. I need him. I fucking want him.

I slam my mouth onto his and thrust my tongue between his lips, curling it around his as he reaches up and grabs the back of my head, pulling me even closer and holding me in place. I continue to rock on his lap, his cock getting harder as it grows against my pussy, only separated by the thin fabric of his boxers since I'm only wearing his shirt and nothing else.

My body goes into shock from the kiss. It's different. It's desperate. It's a dangerous kiss full of passion and guilt that neither one of us wants to stop; it doesn't matter that our hearts are screaming at us to break free for some air.

Ash can suck all the air out of my lungs and kill me in the process. And you know, I'd be a happy Little Psycho if that were to happen. But I can't die today. I'm not finished with my list. Once I kill my parents and end this fucking nightmare, Ash can absolutely kill me with just a fucking kiss.

His hands slip under my shirt, cupping my ass firmly in his hands, massaging his fingers into my warm flesh, my pussy dripping from the sensation rushing through me. I suck his spit into my mouth, and he sucks mine into his. He grunts, then deliciously groans, and I follow with a moan that he captures in his mouth, driving his tongue as deeply down my throat he can go. Almost like he's afraid he won't get to do this again.

With my mind racing, I continue to tease him, one hand cupping his cheek, the other sensually gliding down his bare chest to his boxers waistband. I open my eyes, still locked in the kiss, and watch his expression as I dip my hand into his boxers and wrap it around his cock, slightly lifting off of him. His eyes pinch tight, the expression on his face is a mixture of passion and shame, and even though his eyes are closed, I can tell he's about to fucking lose it.

"Cali," he moans, shaking his head as his eyes reopen, locking on mine like a magnet. "Baby, I fucking love you, so much." He swears under his breath and blinks slowly before continuing. "But I don't know if we can do this right now," he explains, confusing the fuck out of me.

"What do you mean?" I pant, shocked and still extremely turned on, never stopping stroking his cock.

I sit back on him, pulling his boxers down and aligning my pussy with his cock, teasing him by pushing the tip between my pussy lips but refusing to move more. His fingers dig into my flesh even harder he grips my bones, instan bruising them from the extreme force from his hold. I begin to slowly slide down, my pussy taking his cock nice and slow, smothering my arousal all over him. But before I can take him completely, he pulls me down, gripping the back of my neck, making it so the position I'm in won't let me take him all the way inside me. So I look at him, my brow raised suspiciously, my heart thundering. He looks at me, tears in his eyes, the darkness still lurking, and I brace myself for whatever is going to come out of his mouth.

"I fucked someone else," he blurts out before I can prepare myself. "But it isn't what you think," he assures me, making me give him a questioning look.

For a second, my heart stops. It doesn't fucking shatter; the shit just stops. It feels like my whole world just got turned upside down. I love this man, and he just told me he fucked someone else. Am I not enough? Is he bored?

Apparently Ash can see the gears in my head turning, knowing exactly the questions hitting me like a punch to the gut. But as he goes to say something else, I slam my mouth onto his again, curring his words off with a searing kiss that turns to desperation and panic almost in seconds.

Just wanting to forget, I push off his chest, finally sitting back up straight, looking down at him with just confusion written all over my face. I plant my palms on his chest and slide down his cock, putting a slight arch in my back, which allows me to take him even deeper, feeling each piercing as they glide against my walls.

He actually tries to push me off, a serious glare on his face, but I fight him, using all the strength in my body to pin his wrists to the mattress, staring into his eyes as I fuck him, bouncing on his cock as he shatters beneath me.

Suddenly, he grabs my throat, his eyes fueling with rage as he chokes me, grabbing my hip with his newly freed hand and pushing me violently onto his cock. Even though I'm on top of him, he's the one fucking me. My movements don't stop, but they become irrelevant as he thrusts his hips up hard, then flips me onto my back and lifts my legs to his shoulders. With his hand around my throat and the other planted against the mattress, he starts to fuck me rougher than he ever has.

"I had so much hate inside of me. There was so much fucking rage, Cali," he breathes through deep, demanding thrusts, locking eyes with mine while he continues to admit what happened. "I knew if I were to fuck you when I got home that I'd probably fucking kill you. All I wanted to do for some reason was fuck and kill, and I just couldn't bring myself to risk anything happening to you. So... I fucked the nurse that was in my room earlier... and then I killed her," he admits, fucking me so hard the backboard of his bed bangs into the wall.

My lips part, but no words come out, no matter how hard I try. Ash easily begins to panic, his eyes darkening and turning wild. His head drips slightly as his thrusts begin to slow down, his grip on my throat loosening.

Instead of feeling heartbroken from his confession, his words make my pussy wetter, soaking his cock as he drills into me, using it like a weapon. I lock my ankles around the back of his neck and tug his head down, seizing his lips in another earthshattering kiss. As our tongues tangle and spit drips from the corners of our mouths, he suddenly tightens his grip around my throat and picks up the pace, viciously slamming into my pussy again.

"Fuck me like you fucked the nurse," I whisper against his lips, gliding my tongue along his bottom one.

"Cali, I can't." He shakes his head, his eyes fluttering.

"Fucking do it, Ash. Make me come. Fuck me like you fucked the nurse... but don't kill me," I tease, roughly nipping at his bottom lip before I delve back into his mouth, exploring every inch like a gold mine.

Pressure coils in my stomach as he adjusts his posture, keeping my legs high in the air while his cock slides so deeply inside of me that it feels like knives are being stabbed into my abdomen. He shows absolutely no mercy with me, quickly bringing me over the edge at the same time as him, both of us falling together in desperation.

"You fucking asked for this," he growls, choking me until black dots flicker in my vision and heat spreads to my cheeks.

I nod, locking my legs around his head as I thrust my hips up to meet his. Instead of pulling out like he always does, he comes inside me, grunting through each spurt of cum that showers my insides. I shiver as my pussy clenches around him, the muscles in my body on fire from the pleasure that consumes my entire being.

Once he lets go of my throat, he drops my legs and dips his head between them, ripping my thighs apart. He smirks and dives in, pushing his tongue inside me, swirling it around, and then sucking our cum out of my pussy, leaving me gasping for air as the veins in my neck throb rapidly.

Gathering our cum in his mouth, he pops his head up from between my legs and slowly slides up my body, looking down right into my eyes. He doesn't speak. Instead, he harshly squeezes my cheeks until my mouth opens and then spits the mixture from his mouth into mine, forcing it shut and planting his hand over it.

"Swallow it, Little Psycho," he demands, pinching my nose, which causes me to cough and choke on the fluid as it slides down my throat the wrong way. "That's my good girl."

We collapse beside each other, our sweaty bodies limp and sore, the scent of sex and resentment wafting in the small, confined space of his room. As soon as he sighs, I can tell that this is far from over, and there's still more that he needs to say. It doesn't matter that each word feels like a stab in the back—now anyway—I know I need to let him talk without interrupting him. So I look at him and smile, running my shaky hand up and down his back as he turns on his side to face me.

"I thought..." he begins, then falters. The vulnerability etched on his face tugs at my heart. "After everything that happened, I thought I would lose you."

"You can’t lose me, Ash," I say, my voice firmer now. "What you went through and what you did—none of it changes how I feel about you." I can feel the heat radiating from him, mixed with an ache that lingers between us. I reach out, cupping his jaw with my palm, forcing him to meet my gaze again. "I'm not fucking going anywhere."

Tension radiates off him in waves, and I can scarcely breathe, afraid that any sudden movement might break the spell binding us together. But then, a flicker of something—hope?—ignites in the depths of his eyes.

"You make it sound so fucking easy," he replies, his voice thick with emotion. "But it’s not. I carry a lot of fucking darkness with me, Cali. I don’t want you to have to bear it too."

"Let me," I breathe, the words slipping out before I can think them through. "Let me share that burden. You don’t have to carry it alone, just like you don't let me carry mine alone."

He searches my face as if trying to unearth the sincerity in my promise, and finally, after what feels like an eternity, he nods. "Okay," he concedes, a fragile smile breaking through the tension. "But you have to promise me something in return."

"Anything," I reply without hesitating, my heart swelling with determination.

"Promise me you won’t try to fix me. Just... be here. Just be you."

The earnestness in his tone strikes a chord within me. I nod again, knowing that the challenge he puts forth is as profound as it is simple. "I promise, Ash. I’ll always be here, and I’ll always choose you, but you have to promise me something too."

"Anything," he says, a hint of nervousness in his voice.

"Promise me that you won't fuck anyone else for as long as we're together. I don't care what is going on in your head. Fucking talk to me about it."

His brow relaxes, and for the first time since his return, I see a glimmer of the Ash I know beneath the layers of pain and silence. As if my words have wrapped around him like a lifeline, he pulls me close, his arms enveloping me in a cocoon of warmth and safety.

"I promise, Calista. I fucking love you, and I'm so sorry."

"I love you too, Ash. I always have, and I always will."

Seconds stretch into minutes as we simply exist together, hearts beating in sync, the built-up tension slowly dissipating. I close my eyes and listen, drawing strength from the rhythm of his breath brushing against my hair.

And just as I settle deeper into the tranquility of this moment, the shrill ring of his phone shatters the stillness, a reminder of the world waiting outside our sanctuary. Ash’s body stiffens instinctively, and I can feel the darkness creeping back into his demeanor.

"Ignore it," I urge, hoping to stave off the impending reality for just a moment longer.

He hesitates, torn between the world he’s trying to escape and the love he’s fought for. But then, after a fleeting glance toward the glowing screen, his grip on me tightens.

"No," he says, voice steady. "I can’t keep running from this."

Just like that, the barrier forms between us again. I swallow hard, fear creeping in as I realize that the shadows he carries with him may not be so easily excised, but deep down, I know I won’t let him face them alone.

With a soft sigh, he reaches for the phone, and as his fingers hover above the screen, I lay my head against his chest. Whatever comes next, I'll stand ready to embrace the fight ahead.