Page 31 of Privilege

One Year Ago

Dane

Arnold pulls up to Lyle’s. The music is pounding, bass cranked as high as it can go, my spine vibrating to the beat and we’re still at the bottom of the driveway.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Arnold says. His stern expression indicates that he thinks this is a terrible idea. “You could, perhaps, speak with him tomorrow.”

I shake my head. “It’s gotta be now, Arnold. Before I lose my nerve.”

“You are very drunk,” he says. “And Miss van der Beer looked quite shaken. I strongly advise against this. Respectfully.”

“Has Rich been okay?” I ask him. “Like, really okay?”

Arnold frowns. “It has been a challenging year for Mr. van der Beer. But—”

I cut Arnold off by opening the car door. “We don’t deserve you, Arnold,” I say quietly. Then I slam it shut behind me.

Lyle’s place is a small beachfront residence, only six or seven bedrooms. But it’s always been the most popular for house parties with the beach frontage and nonexistent parentals.

There are too many bodies packed together inside, half-naked sweaty teenagers grinding to the blaring music, all drunk and high and looking for one last hookup before they scatter across the country for uni. It’s hot, and smells like hormones and impending doom.

At least one of these girls will be pregnant by night’s end.

Please God, don’t let it be Jamie.

My anxiety ratchets up as I scan for my brother. I wouldn’t put it past her to safety-pin the condom, or even fake a pregnancy for a while if it meant keeping him.

I need to get him out of this place. Away from these people. I need to show him a different world. I just need to find the courage to tell him what I have planned.

And I need to keep my hands to myself.

Clusters of Rich’s friends and spray-tanned girls in bedazzled scraps of fabric descend on me. I wade my way through the sloppy mess, but it still takes forever to get through the throng of people throwing their arms around my shoulders, around my hips, around my neck. Shot, after shot, after shot.

I’m seeing double by the time I make my way through the house and out onto the back deck. The wind from the water is more than welcome on my sweaty brow, and I take a deep breath.

Where the fuck is Rich?

“ So. Big Brother is back,” comes a voice from behind me.

I close my eyes because the deck is spinning. “Jamie,” I say curtly. “Always a pleasure.”

“Clearly your manners haven’t improved overseas,” she says. She wedges herself between my body and the wooden bannister, her bare skin brushing the front of my sweaty linen shirt .

I lean away. “Clearly you’ve never been to France if you think it would improve my manners.”

“Where did you stay? I heard you were slumming it, staying in hostels in Montmartre. Did your daddy finally cut you off?”

“I’m going to assume that while your mother trolled for someone who can actually get hard, you spent your entire family trip to Paris on the Champs D’Elysees imagining which ring my brother will never buy you.”

Her nostrils flare and she clamps down her jaw. “What is your problem with me, huh?” she demands. “What the fuck have I ever done to you? What have I ever done to Rich?”

I stare at her coldly. “It’s what you don’t do, Jamie.”

“And what’s that?”

“Love him.”

Her mouth twists, pupils dilating with rage, and I know I’m gonna get hit. I can fucking feel it coming, my cheekbone already tingling with the familiar sting of a woman’s palm. But she stands there, staring at me, seething with rage. If skin could boil, hers would be cooked.

“And what do you know about love, huh?” she says quietly. “The only person you’ve ever loved is Rich. And we both know you love him too much.”

My body recoils like I’ve been punched in the gut. Heart pounding, I force a bitter laugh. “He doesn’t love you, Jamie. You’re just available. ”

“Lots of girls are available!” she spits. “But none of them know how he likes it.”

I step towards her, so close I can smell her floral shampoo and her expensive perfume. It makes my nose tingle, and for half a second I hope I throw up all over her.

“It doesn’t matter how he likes it, Jamie. You’re never going to last.”

“You think he’ll listen to you? After you took off?

Abandoned him for an entire summer here?

Who do you think ran interference on Evelyn, huh?

Who do you think kept him from getting in his car drunk while you were gone?

Who do you think made sure he didn’t get in any fights? Quit the team? Stop studying?”

It’s like a slash to the throat, because I know she’s right.

Rich has always been reckless in the summers.

He saves all his rebellious energy for those two months of Hades in the Hamptons.

I’ve spent my entire life cleaning up after his summer carnage, making sure he didn’t get booted from the team for misconduct, making sure he didn’t get arrested.

Making sure the image of Dick the Golden Boy was forever preserved for our parents.

I sigh, exhausted. “Thank you for watching out for him,” I say. And I mean it. “But you’re not a good person, Jamie.”

“You think I’m trying to get my claws in him, but do you really think any other girl won’t do the same? At least I have my own fucking money! At least you know I’m not after him for that! ”

I roll my eyes. “I don’t give a fuck whether or not you have money, Jamie. I don’t want him to end up with someone like his mother.”

She scoffs. “You don’t want him to end with anyone who isn’t you. ”

I crowd her, step right into her, chest to chest, and grab her chin. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about,” I hiss.

She licks her lips. This is a game to her. Everything is a game, here. Fine. You want to play Jamie? Let’s play.

I slam my mouth into hers, back her up against the wall way too hard. She moans into my mouth, which takes me by surprise. I feel like I’m going to be sick, but this is it. This is the way to get it done.

I always get things done, when it comes to Rich.

She moans into my mouth which doesn’t surprise me, her nipples hardening through the thin scraps of bikini that do nothing to hide them. They scrape against my chest and I fight the urge to rip my mouth away, to turn to the side and spit out the taste of her flavoured lip gloss.

"What’s going on?”

I whip around and my heart stops in my chest. Rich. He’s here. And God he’s fucking beautiful. I’d forgotten.

“Dane?” he says softly.

I bask in the sight of him, of that sweet face I’ve known most of my life, and to my horror and fucking shame, I get hard. I pull my hips away from Jamie and Rich glances down. His face stiffens at the sight of it, just like my fucking cock,

“Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on?” he says.

“Nothing,” Jamie says. “A disagreement.”

“A disagreement,” he says slowly.

“It’s nothing,” she says. She sways towards him and puts her hand on his arm. “It’s nothing, baby. ”

My balls are pounding. I want to hug him. I want to kiss him. I want to make him cum and spread it all over his balls the way he fucking likes.

I need to get out of here.

Rich looks back and forth between us. “When did this start?” His voice is sharp. Short. And it feels like a cheese grater on my heart. “How long has this been going on?”

“It’s nothing Rich” Jamie says in a soothing voice.

“Dane,” Rich says. “Look at me.”

But I can’t. If I look at him, he’ll fucking know. He’ll know that I want him. I’m too drunk and too keyed up to hide it. I shouldn’t have come back. I should have stayed in Europe.

“Dane,” he says softly. So softly. “Please.”

But this is it. This is my chance to save him. To get him away from the family.

I swallow the pieces of bloody confetti that are my heart, that were all my dreams for bringing him with me, for showing him the future I have planned. Instead, I force a smirk. “You were right, brother. She sucks dick like a fucking champ.”

I stare at him long and hard one last time. And then I turn on my heel and walk out.

This will work. I know him. I know him the way nobody else can ever possibly know him. And I know he’s relieved. I could see it, for a split second before the anger kicked in. For one shining second I could see the relief. I’m off the hook, he thought. I’m done with her.

Yeah, brother. You’re off the hook.

I walk straight into the ocean fully clothed and disappear below the surface. I love you, Rich.

I fly back across the Atlantic the next morning.

Rich graduated alone.