Page 12 of Privilege

One Year Ago

Rich

This year has been… hard. Dane never showed up after he graduated, simply took off to Ibiza with his buddies and went AWOL.

I saw snippets on social media; clubs and raves, a new girl on his arm every day, and I tried to be happy for him.

I really did. But seeing those girls all over him made something raw and hot settle into my skin.

Like a branding iron everywhere all at once.

Why did he leave like that? Why isn’t he answering my texts?

Jamie has been frustrated with me and we broke up more than usual this year.

She says I’ve been a downer, that I haven’t been fully utilizing my senior year, whatever the fuck that means.

She’s probably just pissed that I haven’t bothered breaking into her dorm at the girls prep, but I can’t be bothered to climb that fucking lattice.

I can’t be bothered with much of anything, these days.

Apart from a few cursory one-line texts, Dane and I have barely spoken.

I don’t know why I thought he’d stay in touch—he more than deserves time to himself after all the shit he’s put up with from my mother—but it still hurts.

We’d never gone more than a few days apart, usually for polo tourneys, and he texted me the entire time I was away like a clingy girlfriend. Now, silence.

For a while, I thought something happened. That maybe mother told him to get gone and leave me to fulfill my van der Beer destiny. But eventually I realized he’d more or less moved on. Left me behind.

I sank into a funk that lasted the rest of the school year.

It’s almost up. Graduation time. That unopened Harvard letter in my nightstand is giving me heart palpitations.

Jamie is circling like a vulture, waiting for me to accept so that she can get us an apartment.

She was waitlisted for Harvard, but she accepted Boston U knowing I was headed to Cambridge.

The idea of living with her makes me want to throw up.

PING.

My phone echoes like a gunshot, casting my room in a glowing blue light. I roll over and pick it up off my nightstand. The screen burns my retinas, but my chest constricts at the name on the screen: Dane.

Have you fucked your roommate yet? You can’t leave boarding school without at least one super gay story to tell your future wife

I smile, so excited to hear from my brother that my first attempt at a response is so mashed up even auto-correct can’t fix it.

My standards are higher than yours. I went for Professor McFadden

Please tell me he cleaned his glasses with his shirt while you sucked him off

Who says I sucked him off?

We both know you’re a bottom

You don’t know me very well, anymore

As soon as I hit send I regret it. I’ve missed him so much it hurts and here I am setting us up for a fight three texts in.

I see the three little dots going for a long time before they disappear, and my heart sinks through my ribcage, my mattress, and onto the fucking floor.

What is wrong with you, Rich. But then they appear again and I sit up like a schoolgirl, eagerly awaiting to see what he says.

I’m coming home

When?

Soon. Can’t miss your graduation

You’re leaving Thailand for me? Awe, honey!

You owe me. Thai massage is the ONLY kind of massage I’m ever getting again

I feel like that won’t play as well here. Cops and all.

I guess you’ll have to do it then

I pause, my face flooding with heat, and try to ignore my twitching cock.

I don’t have much practice

You have a cock, dummy

There’s someone else in my room every night

You’re such a fucking square. If you never stayed up all night watching porn and whacking off with your roomie did you even GO to boarding school?

Did I miss your Coming Out party in Europe?

I’m serious, brother. You missed out. I expect better from a water polo player

I see balls too often during the day to see them at night too

Shame.

My stomach clenches again, my erection staring at me from beneath the blanket, tenting my boxers. I glance over at Yuma but he’s snoring softly, facing the wall.

Did you seriously jerk it with your roommate?

Not much else to do. It’s not like I was studying

Did you ever… you know…

What

YOU KNOW

confused emoji

I fucking hate you.

Did you ever jerk him off?

I am mortified. Why am I asking him this? Why are we talking about this? Why do I desperately want to fucking know?

It takes him a long time before he answers.

No

I’m not sure why, but I’m disappointed.

He sucked my dick once, though

You’re fucking with me

shrug emoji

You let a dude suck your dick?

A mouth is a mouth, brother

I mean… Wa s it good?