Page 15 of Primal (The Prey Drive #1)

Chapter 14

Rennick

I told myself it wasn’t real.

Convinced myself that the woman who haunted my dreams, the one who whispered my name with an intimate familiarity, who begged me to remember her, whose eyes burned into my soul, was nothing more than a cruel trick of my subconscious. A longing for something that didn’t exist. It wasn’t supposed to be her. It was supposed to be some meaningless trick of the mind. A product of the stress brought on by my new role as pack Alpha, or guilt for what I had to do to earn the title.

But now the ethereal entity from my dreams stands before me. Whole. All of her perfect features clear as day, no longer distorted in the white mist I’ve grown accustomed to. Every soft curve and elegant angle of her face is displayed for me. Staring up at me with those same impossibly familiar eyes—the left a solid golden brown while the right is flawlessly split down the middle, one half brown and the other half ice blue. The vulnerability within them makes something inside mefracture .

There’s no escaping the truth. Not anymore.

The woman who’s haunted my dreams and the one who’s wreaked havoc on my soul since I came face to face with her again after nearly eight years is one and the same.

Noa.

The very sweet thing I’ve been denying and downplaying my connection to for days.

She’s mine.

The perfect, inescapable truth slams into me with the force of a killing blow, tearing through the last threads of my denial like a blade to the gut.

She is my fated mate.

My scent match.

The one soul in existence designed to fit against mine in a way that no one else ever could. The one meant tobalance, anchor, and complete me.

And I have to reject her.

The knowledge is slow,merciless agony, bleeding through my veins with each painful beat of my heart. I fought so damn hard against this, convinced myself that my wolf was wrong, that everyone in my inner circle was wrong. I clung to the belief that if my destined mate was ever thrust into my path, I would recognize her in half a heartbeat. That there would be no room for doubt. The fact that I had known Noa for years before her mother stole her away, and still hadn’t recognized her as mine back then, only fueled my foolish denial.

And a part of me, a small, fragile sliver buried deep in my chest, had clung to something else, something just as damning. Hope. Hope that fate wouldn’t be so cruel. That it wouldn’t hand me myperfect matchonly to rip her from me. That it wouldn’t force me to stand here now, looking into the eyes of the one person I was meant to spend my life with, knowing I have to give her up.

But fate has never been kind. It plays its twisted games at our expense for its amusement.And now, it’s laughing at me.

I force my jaw to lock, my breath to steady, my expression to remain ice.She can’t see this. She can’t see the way my entire world is collapsing in on itself, how my wolf is thrashing beneath my skin, how every instinct in me is screaming to pull her into my arms and never let go. To mark her with my scent and my bite.

But I can’t because I can’t keep her.

I have to sacrifice her. For my pack. For my people. For the omegas I refuse to fail like I did Carly.

A frigid weight unlike anything I’ve ever known settles over me, pressing into my bones, wrapping around my ribs like iron restraints. She is meant to be my destiny, my perfect match. She is my heart living and beating beyond the confines of my chest.

And I have to break it.

To break her.

Canaan was right, I don’t know how I’m going to survive this. And out of pure desperation, I send a silent prayer to the Goddess herself, pleading that Noa is able to bear it as well, and what I’m about to do won’t be in vain. Our sacrifice has to be worth the pain.

I fight against every instinct clawing its way to the surface and the near-feral beast inside me thrashing with raw desperation, trying to get to her, to his mate. His anguish and his absolute refusal to accept what I’m about to do nearly undo me.

Please forgive me.

My molars grind to the point I worry I’ve cracked them as I double down and force the ice back into place. I reach in desperation toward the mask of emotional indifference I’ve been working relentlessly to perfect over the last couple days. It’s better this way for everyone, especially for my sweet Noa. For her I will be the monster. I will be the villain in our painfully short-lived love story, the one who walked away. The one who picked duty over our shared destiny.

She will hate me for it and maybe that is for the best.

Tenuous grip back on my control—beast and man—I think of the reason I’m here. I conjure up the bloody images that have been seared into my brain. I think of Carly. I make myself see her as she was that night, a broken, mangled thing discarded like trash on our land, her life stolen long before her body had taken its final breath.

I see her mother’s face, twisted in grief and a pain no parent should be forced to suffer through. The visual of her having to be held back as I carried her only daughter away is one that will stick with me, so are the sounds of her broken wails that followed me as I wove through the snow-capped trees.

My enforcers had stood around, their usual unshakable strength gouged out by the sight of what had been done to one of our own. I remember the way they barely moved, the way their hands clenched into useless fists at their sides. How no amount of training had prepared them for the cruelty that was left for us to find.

I force myself to relive it, to remember every brutal detail as something colder clouds over the sorrow. Rage. The anger comes slow, spreading through my chest, numbing everything in its path. It settles in the space around my heart, pressing down on the part of me that wants to break at the sight of Noa.

The delicate female before me watches, her two-toned gaze more observant than I’d like. Her naturally pale skin has taken on a gray hue, the scent of her dread all but overpowers the addictingly sweet brown sugar fragrance I will spend the rest of my life pining for. She knows, or at the very least, a part of her knows what is coming.

“Ren…” Her soft voice is barely an octave above an exhale, but she might as well have screamed the nickname that, somehow, has always belonged to her alone. Based on the stabbing agony that follows, I’m almost sure if I were to look down, I’d find a knife in my sternum. My wolf’s mournful howl is equally as painful. “Why?”

The way she doesn’t elaborate further proves my theory. Noa, a smart girl, knows exactly why I’ve shown up here today.

“You claimed me, publicly, as your mate, Miss Alderwood.” I can’t bring myself to say her name aloud, so I do the only thing I can. I keep it impersonal and use her surname, cold and distant, and it lands exactly as I intended. She winces, as if I’d struck her. “Considering I already have an intended mate for myself, you can imagine how your little outburst has caused me problems.”

Noa’s throat moves as she swallows thickly. “What about our…” She trails off, her words sticking.

“Our what ?”

She shifts uneasily in her leather boots, footwear that is highly inappropriate for the dead but overgrown clearing we stand in. “You’re really going to stand here and tell me you don’t feel it?”

I stare down my nose at her, that fissure in my chest cracking more. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“There’s a connection between us. A pull . I know you feel it, Rennick.” A twinge of distress infects her words, her elegant brows drawing together beneath her artfully styled bangs.

My arms cross in front of me. From the outside looking in, I’m sure it reads how I intend it to. As a continued show of frigid indifference and detachment, but in reality, I’m doing my best to keep my hands from reaching out to her, from taking hold of her and bringing her into my embrace. Where she belongs.

“I’m sorry to disappoint you. The only thing I feel toward you is annoyance and mild frustration that I’ve been forced to participate in this dog and pony show.” The words are ash on my tongue. “As I told you, I am happy with my chosen mate. Your surprise visit to my territory has been nothing but a nuisance for us both. I would appreciate it if you’d allow us to just get this over with.”

This time, Noa stumbles back a half step, the physical signs of her heart breaking evident in the way her face contorts and pales to a shade I can only describe as ghostly. “I don’t…I don’t understand.”

I’m so consumed by the way my own words are also ripping me apart—lost in the battle between my emotions and my wolf’s fury—that I don’t hear the confident footsteps until it’s too late. A manicured hand, nails painted an ungodly shade of coral, slides over my forearm with a familiarity Talis has never been permitted.

“You silly, wolfless girl. You’re embarrassing yourself.” Talis speaks as if she’s talking to a petulant child, and not a twenty-five-year-old woman worthy of being shown a scrap of respect. I know it’s hypocritical given I’ve been using my own words to slice down Noa’s resolve, but sitting back and allowing someone else to hurt her in any way is more than my wolf can bear. More than I can bear. “I'm sure we can thank your mother for that inflated ego. She probably filled your head with the idea that you mattered, that the world somehow revolved around you. But let me set the record straight. You’re nothing, Noa Alderwood. A packless, wolfless nobody. You don’t have to understand what’s happening here. You just have to sit there and take it like the pathetic little mutt you are.”

Too far. Too Far. Too far.

But the devastating truth is, the way Noa is slowly caving into herself, it’s just far enough. If I want to become her monster, this is how I accomplish it.

“She’s right,” I bite out. Canaan’s earlier words about surviving this creep back into my mind, but in this moment, I’m not sure I want to survive it. The unshed tears pooling in her eyes—eyes too beautiful for this world, too achingly poignant—might as well be the ink I use to sign my own death sentence. And since I’m dead anyway, I go in for the kill shot, knowing I’m going to regret these words for the rest of my life. “Even if I did feel this pull or whatever you’re calling it…” Pull is not a strong enough world. This thing between us, it’s something that is as vital as the air in our lungs and something as strong as gravity. “Why would I willingly take you as my mate, as my Luna, when you’re latent ?” Lies. But effective lies. “My pack would never accept you standing at my side. Especially when it was your own traitorous mother who bound your wolf and made you defective .”

Despite the way my cruelty has her swaying on her feet, Noa’s denial, while weak, is immediate. “That’s not true. You…you’re lying .”

Fuck, how I wish it wasn’t true. It’s like swallowing razor blades to use this ugly truth against her now. To use it to my advantage. I’d promised myself I would find a gentle way to tell Noa the truth about her mother’s actions days ago, but what’s one more broken promise at this point?

Talis opens her mouth, no doubt ready to throw another fatal verbal dagger, but I stop her before she can utter a syllable.

“Wait in the car while I finish this.”

“But,” she tries to argue, the glee in her eyes giving away her desire to remain in her front-row seat to Noa’s heartbreak. Her devastation.

“ Now. ” I use my alpha bark, my unchecked dominance laced within the single word. Talis has no choice but to obey me.

I don’t miss the way Noa flinches, curling in on herself like she’s trying to disappear. Behind her, the Craddock Alpha, the coven High Priestess, and the blonde elfin omega all look like they’re already planning my slow, painful demise. And honestly, with the guilt tearing through me, I wouldn’t stop them. Whatever creative demise they think I deserve, I’ll take it.Willingly. Gladly.

The silver lining in this is knowing that, despite the fact she doesn’t have an official pack, Noa still has a support system behind her. A bloodthirsty support system by the looks of it.

Noa, still trying to hang on to any strength she has left, lifts her chin and boldly meets my cold stare. The tears running freely down her face gut me. “Okay, Alpha Fallamhain, you’ve made your point.” Her voice, which was so sweet the first time I heard her speak, is a dull, lifeless rasp.

You’ve ruined her.

My wolf’s fury burns hotter, his devastation just as consuming as my own.We did this.To her. To us. And he knows it. We are hurtling toward a point of no return, and when we reach it, I don’t know what he’ll do. His distrust in me is thick,palpable, and stomach-turning, twisting in my gut like a sickness I can’t shake.

But even that is nothing compared to the sorrow rolling off Noa in waves, heavy enough to drown us both.

It’s a battle to keep my touch harsh, detached, when I reach out for her slender arm. Her faint whine of pain as I yank the limb outward cuts me to my soul. Wrapping my large palm around her forearm, I force her smaller hand to do the same to mine. It’s a joke. Not in this lifetime or the next will her fingers ever be able to properly wrap around my forearm.

Beneath my touch, her pulse races, each frantic beat echoing through my fingertips. With every thundering pound of her heart, mine matches it, perfectly in sync. Further proof they were never meant to beat apart.

Ice and dread creep up my throat as I stare down at the small, broken female who was meant to be mine to love. To cherish. To protect. Instead, I’m failing her in every way that matters and then some.

In my grasp, I lock on to her two-toned gaze and for the briefest of seconds, I let my ice melt away and I silently plead that she will one day find a way to forgive me. That she will understand the decision I’ve made.

Forgive me, sweet Noa. Please. Forgive me.

Her breath catches in her throat, her lip wombling harder, but I don’t give her the opportunity to say anything else.

Not many people have the cruel clarity of knowing, in real time, that they are actively living through the moment that will become their greatest regret. But I do. I am one of the unfortunate few who gets to spend the rest of my life knowing that no failure, no mistake, will ever compare to the pain I am causing right now. Nothing I do from this moment forward will ever measure up to this loss. Nothing could ever hurt more than this.

“I, Rennick Fallamhain, Alpha of the Fallamhain Pack, reject you, Noa Alderwood, as my fated mate. My scent match. My destiny. You will never bear the title of my Luna, you will never wear my mark, and you will never carry my children. From this moment forward, I renounce any claim you have on me.”

The last syllable has barely left my lips when Noa lets out a hoarse, broken cry, a sound that will haunt me until the end of my days. Her weak grip on my arm slips, her body swaying, and before me, the woman who should have been the very reason my heart beatscollapses to the earth.

And I’m too numb to even try to catch her.