Page 72 of Precious Hazard (Perfectly Imperfect #11)

Radio Host: Good evening, everyone. I’m James Williams, and I want to welcome you to this week’s episode of Love is Just Around the Corne r.

Tonight, we have a special guest with us in the studio.

However, due to the sensitive nature of his business, we’re not able to share his real name with you. Instead, we’ll call him Don.

Nice to have you here, Don!

… [Nothing but silence greets the audience over the radio waves.]

Guest: Hi.

Radio Host: Ladies and gentlemen, please don’t hold that against him. I believe Don might be just a little nervous. Prior to coming on air, he confided to me that he’d never done a radio show before.

Let’s get started. Could you tell us why you chose to accept our invitation to appear on tonight’s program? As I understand, you run a major conglomerate, so I do not doubt that your time must be very limited.

Guest: That’s correct. I’m here because I have been blackmailed and coerced to come.

Radio Host: No way! Coerced? I had no idea. Could you elaborate on that?

Guest: One of my business associates thought that my appearance on your show would be helpful. Unfortunately, he shared this harebrained idea with my wife. She liked it. And then made me do it.

Radio Host: Oh, she’s listening, then? Hi, Mrs. Don! Sending you much love and—

Bam!

Guest: That’s just a little warning for you, James. No man other than me sends love to my wife. Got that? Next time, I won’t stop at a mere black eye. Understand?

Radio Host: Absolutely. [ Groan. ] One hundred percent.

Guest: You may continue.

Radio Host: Um… yeah, sure. You seem to be very much in love with your wife, Don.

Since this show is all about providing relationship advice, maybe you could share a few words of wisdom?

Tell our audience how you met the love of your life, and your experiences courting her.

Are there specific things that worked for you, or anything you wish you could have done differently?

Guest: Alright. We met in the parking lot of the hospital where she used to work. It was a brief encounter, lasting about ten minutes. But that was more than enough time for me to realize that I’d do whatever it took to make her mine.

Radio Host: That sounds so romantic. Tell me, what was your first move?

Guest: I did background research and then observed her.

Radio Host: Oh, you got to know the things she liked and places where she enjoyed spending time? That’s sweet. I don’t think enough people make the effort to get to know a person these days. We’re very much living in a culture of instant gratification, don’t you agree?

Guest: No. I meant I had my chief of security complete a thorough investigation of her and arrange video surveillance so I could watch her around the clock.

Radio Host: Uh… You mean… you… stalked her?

Guest: Yes.

… [Ahem. Cough. Cough.] … [The host seems to be having a bit of an issue. Trained first aid personnel are on standby.]

Guest: That was definitely one of the things that worked. In order to achieve the outcome you want, it’s important to gather and analyze all pertinent info, James. Once you have a better understanding of your chosen person, it’s that much easier to reach your goals. I fully recommend this approach.

Radio Host: Um… Right. I see. You’re not a proponent of conventional means. Like giving flowers, for instance.

Guest: I tried that.

Radio Host: Oh, you did? How did that go? And, what did you get her? Roses?

Guest: Everything the florist had available. But my mistake was not writing the note. So she had no idea they were from me. That should be a lesson for your listeners. Always include a signed card with the flowers.

Radio Host: That’s sound advice, right there. Well, since wooing your lady love with flowers seemed to fail, what was the next thing you tried?

Guest: I broke into her apartment and filled up her fridge.

Radio Host: Huh. Interesting. Not what I figured you might say. And why did you do that?

Guest: Her eating habits were extremely unhealthy. Each time I saw her on the cameras pulling out crap food from the fridge or eating fast food takeout, I cringed.

Radio Host: Cameras? At her place? Isn’t that illegal, Don?

Guest: Is there a point to your question?

Radio Host: Oh, no. I was just, you know, wondering. Let’s continue. Did your future wife know that you were… uh… interested… in her? Did the two of you happen to see each other, in person, during that time?

Guest: No. It was some time later that I decided the timing was right for us to finally meet face-to-face again. It happened to coincide with some creep stepping up his unwelcome pursuit of her and not taking “no” for an answer.

Radio Host: She had another stalker? Other than you, I mean.

Guest: Yes. But, luckily, that issue was swiftly resolved. Once I shot the guy, he quickly got the message that stalking another man’s woman was wrong. My advice in that situation is to take care of all obnoxious creeps with the utmost expediency.

Radio Host: But… you stalked her yourself. You watched her without her knowledge.

Guest: I was making sure my future wife was alright. Totally different situations.

Radio Host: I see. And once you met again? Did she fall in love with you right away, or did you have to work to earn her affection? How long have the two of you dated before you proposed?

Guest: We had one date and got married the following day.

Radio Host: One day? She agreed to marry you after one date?

Guest: That’s nothing remarkable. People tend to acquiesce promptly, and practically to anything, when their entire family is threatened with obliteration. Possessing excellent persuasion skills is essential for dating. This has been my greatest strength, I believe.

Radio Host: Right. Good to know. Um… I take it you’ve been married for quite some time now. So, I gather, she did develop feelings for you, in the end?

Guest: Of course.

Radio Host: Seriously? I mean… How can you be sure of her love? Did she express it in some grand manner or—

Guest: She took a bullet for me. Grand enough for you, James?

Radio Host: Whoa! That’s… huge. Um… May ask what happened to the person who shot her?

Guest: A bit of filleting action.

Radio Host: I’m not sure I get what you mean.

Guest: Have you ever seen a fish gutted and then turned into fillets?

Radio Host: A couple of times, sure.

Guest: Then you get my meaning.

…

Producer: James, we’re still live .

Radio Host: [ Ahem ] Right. Well, our time is almost up. I… ah… have one more question for you, Don. As a man who is very much in love with your wife—

Guest: Understatement.

Radio Host: Of course. I can see that. Could you tell me, is there anything about your wife that you might… not like? A pet peeve, perhaps?

Guest: My wife is the embodiment of perfection. I worship every single thing about her. Except Kurt.

Radio Host: Kurt?

Guest: Her defective cat.

I am constantly tempted to strangle the little devil.

Unfortunately, she loves the damned thing.

And because she does, even though I hate him with a passion, I can’t bring myself to harm him in any way.

And, all my passive attempts to neutralize him failed.

Leaving the doors open in hopes that he would flee.

Windows, too. Nothing. Even the kidnapping and forced relocation scheme.

Radio Host: You tried to kidnap your wife’s cat?

Guest: Don’t be ridiculous. I just said I wouldn’t lay a hand on him. Weren’t you paying attention?

Radio Host: Um—

Guest: I hired a professional team. Top-notch mercenaries.

Everything was planned out to the minute detail.

I had taken my wife out for a romantic dinner, gave the home security personnel a night off, and provided means of entry to the perpetrators.

All they had to do was go in, collect the damn cat, and drive him out of state. Easy pickings.

They had the little pest safely in their grasp in under fifteen minutes. I received a confirmation call as they were heading out of the city on the interstate. My wife and I were still enjoying our main course—

Radio Host: Oh my God! You actually had your wife’s cat kidnapped!

Guest: That’s absurd. I got off the line and excused myself, letting my wife know that I needed to deal with an urgent matter. Then, I caught up with the kidnappers and disposed of them.

Radio Host: Hold on a minute. What do you mean by “dispose of them”? You didn’t actually…?

Guest : Of course I did. And once that was done, I brought the pest home. Told my wife I simply needed to have Kurt checked out by the vet, but that I didn’t want to needlessly worry her. [ Ahem .]. If you are listening, cara mia , I’m deeply sorry.

Radio Host: Wait, wait. I’m not sure I’m following, Don. You hired the kidnappers in the first place! And then you chased them down and… offed… them? For taking the cat?

Guest: I’m not sure why you’re confused, James. This is very simple. No one kidnaps my wife’s cat. Or gets away with it.