Page 51 of Play Me

“This is so confusing, Gray. I’ve sat with this all day, trying to put pieces of a puzzle together that I don’t have the box for.

I don’t have any foundation for this. I can’t make sense of it because I don’t know who these people are, and you left me here thinking the worst.” She swallows.

“That letter was horrifying. It was heartbreaking, not just for Liza, but for you. When I thought about you reading that and how that must’ve felt, I just wanted to hold you and help you, because that couldn’t have been easy.

And then to realize that you didn’t even bother to tell me anything …

” She smiles sadly. “It felt like you had a connection with these other people and I had to take a back seat. Like you were just playing me.”

She’s right. Of course, she’s right. That had to be how she interpreted it because it’s the logical solution.

I run a hand over my head, and try to focus. I can beat myself up about this later. Now’s not the time.

“Astrid, I get why you thought that,” I say, dropping my hands to my sides. “And the fact that you didn’t just rage and, instead, worried about me and Liza while you dealt with your own pain says so much about you, and why you’re the best person I’ve ever known.”

Her shoulders slack and it takes everything I can muster not to pull her into me.

“Ask me whatever you want,” I say. “You’re in control.”

“I don’t even have enough information to ask a pointed question.”

“Should I start from the beginning?”

“Yeah,” she says, the word barely a whisper.

Here we go …

I take a deep breath. “I broke up with Caroline about two and a half years ago. We’d been dating for a while, a couple of years at most. I wouldn’t say we were serious, really, because I never had any intentions on marrying her or being with her long term.

But she was the closest thing to a serious girlfriend that I’d ever had. ”

Astrid nods slowly, taking in the information I’m sharing with her.

“At some point, Caroline became hooked on drugs,” I say. “Before I realized what was happening, it got really ugly. I should’ve seen it earlier. There were signs and I missed them.”

She shifts on the bed, squaring her shoulders with mine. It’s a good sign, I think, so I keep going.

“We fought a lot about it, and I ended up breaking up with her. She’d gotten kicked out of her apartment and had been staying with me.

But, when we broke up, she went to live with Liza, her sister.

A part of me thought that if she changed environments and was with her family that she’d be better off.

Maybe something about me or the traveling for the team or …

something were making her problem worse.

Maybe she could get help somewhere else. ”

I sigh, the words sounding like they’re coming from someone else—and I wish that were true.

“What happened to her, Gray?”

“It was a few days before New Year’s, and Caroline insisted on flying up to Denver from Texas where their family was spending the holidays.

I told her no—created a firm boundary and held to it.

I made sure she was safe, and then stopped answering her calls.

But she and Liza flew up anyway, and rented a car, and tried to drive to my apartment in a snowstorm.

” My stomach twists, squeezing so hard that I grimace.

“A semi-truck lost control and crashed into them, killing Caroline and almost Liza.”

Astrid gasps, covering her mouth.

“I blamed myself,” I say, wiping my nose. “Because I could’ve just answered the phone when she called that night. I should’ve. I was unfairly cold to Caroline, and I didn’t have to be. If I hadn’t, then maybe she’d still be with her family.”

She touches my arm as if she’s in shock. “I am so sorry. That’s … horrible.”

“It wasn’t fun. The last time I talked to her family before today was when her father threw me out of Caroline’s funeral. He sucker punched me in the face and I just stood there cried like a baby.”

“Oh, Gray …” She presses a quick kiss to my shoulder. “When did you get the letter?”

“Brooks gave it to me before we left Sugar Creek. Joe saw Brooks at the gas station and gave it to him to bring to me.”

Her brows pull together. “Why did Joe have it?”

“Because he ran the blind trust I set up to pay for Liza’s rehab care. I wanted it to be anonymous. I didn’t know if she’d accept my help and I had to do something.”

Astrid gets up, pacing around her room. I sit and wait, because there’s nothing else that I can do. I’m at her mercy. My heart is in her hands.

Finally, after a few minutes, she stops.

“Why did you lie to me about where you were going?” she asks, the pain I haven’t seen in a long time back in her eyes.

What did I tell her this morning? An emergency? I panicked and was overwhelmed, plucking a reason out the air and figuring I’d explain later.

“If you’d shared this with me, I would’ve supported you, Gray. I would’ve wanted to be there for you. Instead, I’m fighting this internal battle between kicking you out and kissing you and it’s fucking with my head.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You lied to me. You told me I was safe with you, and then you made me question that.”

She takes a deep breath, and I can practically see the way she collects herself playing across her features. Even hurt, she’s beautiful. Everything I’ve ever wanted.

“You’re right. I lied to you,” I say. “I was impulsive and terrified, if I’m being honest. I didn’t know what I was walking into, only that I had to do it.

Because when Caroline died, Liza blamed me.

They all did. That destroyed me in a way that I can’t describe.

It reminded me that they were the third and fourth people I’ve hurt while putting my career first.” I gulp, squeezing my eyes closed as images of my parents flash to the forefront.

“I had to find closure, Astrid.” I open my eyes and find her gaze.

“Being with you lately? It’s fucked with my head.

Maybe this isn’t the right time or place to tell you this, but when we’re together, I can see us together. Like really together .”

She swallows, otherwise not moving a muscle.

“And I couldn’t think about that—I couldn’t get my hopes up about being with you—when I know that I still held too much space for Caroline. Hell, I’ve been paying for Liza’s rehabilitation bills for two years. How can I be with you if I have such enormous secrets?”

“You can’t.” She shrugs as if she can’t decide whether she’s resigned or angry. “Gray, I understand why you needed to see Liza. I respect that, and I’m glad you did it. It sounds like you both needed it to heal, and I’d never deprive someone from healing from their trauma.”

“Because you’re an angel.”

“But I have to be honest, too. I’m hurt you didn’t tell me about this.

I told you everything ,” she says. “I was vulnerable. I shared things that humiliated me, and all the while, I explained to you that the things that hurt me the most were feeling invisible and being neglected emotionally. And then you withhold such important things— things that matter , and lie to me. That fucking hurts.”

“ No, no, Astrid. Don’t you understand? I never would’ve gone to see Liza if it weren’t for you.

I would’ve just lived with the guilt and been miserable for the rest of my life.

But you— you made me face it because you deserve more.

” I take her hands and pull her in front of me.

“Did I just botch this whole thing? Probably. Did I make an impulsive decision? Yes. I absolutely didn’t handle it the right way.

But you matter to me so much that I got on an airplane today to get this behind me so I can be with you.

So I can take care of you. So I can be free to be the man who can show up for you every minute of your life. ”

She laces our fingers together, watching them tangle. It reminds me of being on my couch with her—the moment I realized that I’m falling in love with this woman. I can’t tell her that tonight because it’ll feel like I’m just saying it. But I can show her. And I will.

“I wish you would’ve told me. I would’ve wanted to be there for you,” she says softly.

“And I appreciate that more than you can imagine.” I take a shaky breath as my bones begin to ache from exhaustion.

“Astrid, sweetheart, I’m sorry that I hurt you today.

You’re the only thing I care about. I’ve been fucked up in the head for two years, unable to pull my head out of my ass—nearly lost my reputation and my career over it.

And I didn’t give a fuck.” I fight the burn in my chest and keep going.

I have to get this all out in the open. “You gave me the courage to face my fear and find peace, to put the past where it belongs. Because you? You’re my future. ”

Please, please believe me. Please don’t push me away.

“What are you saying?” she asks, her eyes widening, tears filling them again.

“I’m saying that I’m probably going to mess up because I tend to do that. But I give you my word that I will never make choices without including you in them. I want us to be a team from here on out.”

The corners of her lips tilt to the ceiling, and it’s like a light shining in my soul.

“I’m giving you my heart because I know it’s safe in your hands. And I want you to know that yours is safe in mine.” I lean toward her. “Always.”

She launches herself at me, letting me envelop her in my arms.