Page 52 of Pieces of Ash

You’re bothering the fuck out of me.

I place my hand over my heart, wondering, for the first time since he said them, if he meant those words in a way that hadn’t occurred to me earlier. Could it be that I’m bothering him in the same wayIfelt bothered standing in his room? Does he feel that same humming, that same buzzing, when he looks at me? Isthathow I’m bothering him?

Lust.

As though answering my question, he shakes his head with a deeply irritated look, then disappears into the barn after one last, longing glance at my window.

When I remember how to breathe, I run to the kitchen to find a dustpan and broom.

Day #15 of THE NEW YOU!

Dear Diary,

I’ve been staring at this page for half an hour, and I still don’t know how to start or what to say. All I can think is this.

I am fucked.

Fucked.

Frontways. Sideways. Backward. Forward. From every fucking side and every fucking angle.

I fucked up.

So bad.

SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO BAD.

But this time I can’t get away. I can’t run away. I can’t leave. I can’t escape.

I am fucking trapped.

If I left, he’d find me, and I don’t know if I’d survive it.

And then there’s the kid. The goddamn fucking kid.

I can’t even kill myself because of her. He’d eat her up and belch out her guts before I was cold.

I have always been a stupid bitch. A beautiful, stupid bitch. Mam and Tad knew it. Always knew it. Dw i’n pert, ond dw i’n twp. And now I know it too. Pretty but stupid. Pretty stupid.

What did I do?

Oh, my god, what did I fucking do to my life?

My husband.

My husband?

Jesus, Joseph, and Mother Mary, he is the villain cast in every gritty, under-the-table, porn-style piece of masochistic indie-shit movie I ever saw—the sort of sick stuff that makes normal people watch in morbid fascination for a split second before turning the fucking channel because they’re about to throw up.

And who am I? What’s my role in this piece of cinematic garbage?

Starring Tigín as…

The junkie who’ll take it up the ass with a splintered broom handle for a fix!

The moronic fucking prostitute who’s offered the kind of gig that’ll get her killed!

The stupid, beautiful bitch who thinks she’s got every man wrapped around her finger until she meets a monster!