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CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

KENDRA

T he soles of my feet burn as I enter Jack’s apartment, having walked the streets of Brooklyn for hours, trying to clear my head and calm down.

Not bothering to switch on any lights, I welcome the stillness as I make my way to the couch and sit down absentmindedly, pulling the blankets across my lap.

This is the exact spot we’ve shared multiple times. The couch where I straddled his lap, wrapped in the same blankets as we made out properly for the first time. The first time he kissed me for real. It was the start of everything between us.

Wasn’t it?

I know he was nineteen when he sent those messages, and I know we’d barely spoken, but that shit really hurts.

“Was I always just a pawn?” I whisper into the darkness, unlocking my phone and rereading the messages Tyler sent me.

These can’t be from Jack.

Jenna

Have you gotten the email? !

With my heart in my mouth, my adrenaline is already at an all-time high as my attention snags on a message that drops down from Jenna.

I immediately open my emails, pulling down on my inbox several times, trying to refresh it.

Me

No. There’s nothing here.

Jenna

Maybe it’s taking a minute for yours to come through.

I get up from the couch and start pacing the length of the living area. I can’t take this. I’m spinning out with thoughts of messages I never expected to receive and an email I’m desperate to see, but won’t come through.

When my phone buzzes in my hand, I almost drop it in my haste to open my inbox.

From: Team USA Selection

To: Kendra Hart

Subject: Squad Announcement

Dear Kendra,

Following our recent communication, we write, as promised, to advise you of our decision.

You should know that all positions were highly contested, which showcases the vast array of talent we have and the progression our sport has made over the past twelve months.

The position of center back was one of our most difficult decisions, and we know you’re aware we can only take a limited number .

Unfortunately, we do not feel you are quite ready for international selection. Our scouts have been incredibly impressed with your work ethic and skill set, but we do harbor some concerns about your physical condition. The soccer season is long and stressful, and when we consulted with your physical trainers, they have advised that you are undergoing a strengthening program to help with instability to your ACL. We do not believe it would be fair or ethical to place added stress on your existing injury. Additionally, from a squad point of view, the risk of selecting a player with a potentially serious injury could have major repercussions, especially if Team USA goes deep into the tournament—which is, of course, our aim.

We understand this is disappointing, and by no means are we saying future selection is out of the question. Our main priority is your physical condition and securing the longevity of what we know will be a very successful career.

Your club has been notified, but please do not hesitate to contact us if you have any questions.

We wish you all the best for the rest of the season.

Team USA

Less than a day.

That’s all it took for the blissful walls to come tumbling down and my life to go from tea and a scone with a new friend to a devastating realization .

I pull at the neck of my sweater. I feel hot and claustrophobic, and I need to get the fuck out of this apartment. Stay in a hotel. Stay anywhere but here.

Heading to the bedroom I haven’t slept in since the night of the gala, I pull out my suitcase from under the bed, open it up, and make for the dresser.

Jenna: So … did you get the email? Brazil, baby!

Through blurry eyes, I read the message from my teammate. The one I longed to get. I feel crushed, depleted. I’ve got nothing left to give to anyone or anything.

Me

I didn’t make it. They said my knee wasn’t worth the risk.

Jenna

Okay, stop joking around.

Me

I wish I were.

I drop my phone on the duvet and swipe a handful of clothes from the top drawer of the dresser before throwing them into my suitcase. When I spin around to grab a couple of things from the nightstand, that’s when I see them. Two candles half burned and staring straight at me. The code to his apartment is next to them, scrawled in his handwriting with a smiley face below it.

There’s no way he sent those messages.

“Fuck it.”

I snatch up my phone again and scroll for Jack’s number. I just need him to tell me the messages were fabricated and that it’s all going to be okay. That I’m not a complete failure for not being selected. That I made the right decision when I turned down another shot in the UK.

That my gut was right to dive into something so soon with him.

That everything I felt between us was real and not a game .

Sitting on the bed beside my suitcase, I wait as his cell continues to ring until it connects to voice mail. I consider hanging up but change my mind at the final second.

“Jack, hi. It’s me. Um …” I bite down on my bottom lip and steady myself. “I need to talk to you about something that happened earlier today, and I really need you to call me back, okay?” My voice breaks, and I try to fight the sob as it spills free. “Yeah, I just need you to tell me it’s all bullshit.”

I hit End Call and wipe furiously at my eyes. Two more messages light up my screen.

Jenna

I’m throwing hands. No, actually, I’m refusing to play. You are the only center back I want. This is insane.

Collins

Got the job! Piece of cake.

“Jack?!” I answer the phone on the first ring.

“Hey, hey. I just stepped off the ice. The game just ended. We won, and I scored two!”

There’s so much background noise and shouting that I can barely hear him. But it’s obvious he hasn’t listened to my voicemail.

“Great,” I force out. “Did you get my message?” I ask anyway, my stomach turning in on itself.

“No, I didn’t.” He sounds way less animated as he picks up on my flat tone. I hear a door close behind him, and the previous noise disappears. “What’s the matter, Kitten?”

I swallow hard, bile rising, making it difficult to push down the nausea.

“I need to ask you something, and I need you to be completely honest with me.”

“Kendra, what’s this about?”

I pull my phone away from my ear, bringing up the file Tyler sent me. Attaching it to a message, I forward it to Jack .

A ping rings down the line.

“I need you to tell me you didn’t write these messages.”

Silence passes between us as I wait for him to read them.

“Jack,” I whisper, unable to stand the tension any longer, “I know things were different back then. I know we didn’t know each other that well, but did you really say that you could fuck me easily?” I fight back the tears and dig my nails into my palm so hard that I know they’ll leave crescent-shaped marks. “Did you tell Kurt and Ben that fucking me would be the best way to get at Tyler?”

More silence.

“Kendra …” His voice is soft, just like it was that day in this very room. The day he asked me to go to the gala with him as his fake girlfriend.

I thought it was because he cared.

“Kendra, I?—”

“Did you send them, Jack?” I ask again, my voice harsher this time. “Or is Tyler the bullshitter I hope he is?”

“Kendra, I don’t know what to say …”

“It’s easy. Yes or no?”

“Yes, I sent them.”

My phone drops to my lap as I cover my eyes with my palms. All the while, I can hear Jack’s voice repeating my name.

On a deep breath, I pick it back up.

“I was nineteen and a fucking idiot for what I said. I was pissed at the way he was treating you. I don’t have the evidence because it was from years ago, and to be honest, I forgot all about the messages, but what he sent you wasn’t the whole conversation.”

I angry sob. “Oh, yeah? What else did you say?”

“I don’t remember the exact words. I just know he clipped that to make me look bad …” He trails off. “And I know it looks bad, Kitten. But I promise you that’s not what this is about. Those messages aren’t how I feel about you. ”

“You know what I feel? Humiliated,” I whisper-hiss. “Like I’m being taken for a fool.”

“I promise you aren’t. I feel so much for you.”

I shake my head, not knowing what to believe anymore. “How much of this was about your issue with Tyler, and how much of it was about me?”

“It’s all about you, Kendra. All of it. Every single fucking piece,” he grits out.

I want to believe him. I want to hear him out. But honestly, at this point, I don’t know how to. I don’t know what to trust or judge anymore. My career’s imploding and the very arms I’d seek for comfort are breaking my heart.

“I turned down a contract with London Villa for us.”

“W-what? When?”

My head involuntarily drops between my shoulders. “A few weeks ago. The head coach called me and said they wanted to trigger my release clause in January. But I told them no. I said I had a new life here. I said I didn’t want to put us at risk.” More tears hit my cheeks. “I didn’t hesitate when I made my decision. I didn’t tell you because I thought you’d try to convince me to go after my dreams. Was I wrong, Jack?”

“I—I don’t know what to say, Kendra. I wish you’d told me.”

“I didn’t make it onto Team USA either. Got an email earlier to say they couldn’t select me due to my ACL injury. I was too much of a risk.”

“Kendra, I’m so fucking sorry. It’s their loss. They’re the ones missing out.”

I pick my head back up. Anger swelling in my gut. “Is that what you think, Jack? That I’m worth taking a chance on?”

He goes to speak, but I cut him off.

“Because right now, it feels like I’m not worth much to you.”

“Kendra, there’s so much that I want to say to you. But I can’t do it properly over the phone. I need to come to you.”

“Was it real? Were we real? Maybe everything was too soon. This whole thing has gone from zero to a hundred, and I’ve barely had time to catch my breath.”

“We’re real, Kendra. I promise you we’re real.”

I shake my head despite him not being able to see it. “I don’t know what to think. I’m lost.”

“I know it’s been fast, but that’s because it’s right. All of this—you, me—it’s all right.”

“I—I just don’t know what’s happening anymore.”

The tears emerge again, and I suck in a big breath, blowing it out slowly.

“I think I need time.” The second the words leave my mouth, my heart protests. Though I know it’s what my head needs. “I need space.”

“W-what are you saying to me, Kendra?”

I never thought someone could sound nauseous, but Jack proves me wrong.

Pinching my lips together, I squeeze my eyes shut. “I don’t know. That’s the point. I don’t know anything other than I need space. From everything. I’m going to Ohio.”