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Chapter Forty-Eight

Shantal

U sually, when thoughts of my sister’s last moments overtake me, I feel beyond any comfort. I have never felt so held, felt so safe, as I did that morning. My burdens have never been lifted off my shoulders the way that Darien lifted them. I have to remember but, for once, I have been able to feel as well. With Darien, I don’t have to be the dutiful Mangal daughter. I can just be Shanni.

And ultimately, I think that’s the reason I finally decide to call Ma the next day.

The words are spelled out before I even hit the button to dial the phone. I’ve found someone. I think I want to give it a try. That I thought I’d never get to experience that came from a place of grief and hurt. And I think this may be coming from a place of something much more profound.

My mother beats me to it.

Her name flashes across the screen of my phone, along with the green accept and red reject . It almost scares me, like she knows what I’m thinking, but it’s all the better for me. I don’t have to take the daunting first step of calling her myself when I press accept .

‘Shanni?’

Ma’s voice is so excited – more than I’ve heard it in years, maybe more than when I told her about the Rio job. There’s something else there, the likes of which I’ve only heard at two other points in my life.

‘Ma? Ma, what’s up?’

‘Shanni, I have some really, really good news.’ The smile on her face is practically audible over the speaker.

‘Good news?’ My own voice shakes. I don’t even need her to tell me to know what it is and, compounded with all the dread that has built up in my heart over the last few months, the feeling of guilt and anxiety deep in my gut weighs me down like never before.

‘News from Navin’s family.’ A happy laugh escapes her, bubbling over to me through the phone. ‘If you agree, Shanni. He likes you, they like you. This December, they’ve said.’

I’ve found someone.

The words die before they even make their way to my lips.

There is no complete way to describe the duty you feel as a daughter. The love you have for your parents battles with the love you have for life . It’s a constant war between balance and responsibility, between mind and heart. When you hear your mother proud, jubilant, when you hear something you haven’t heard since the last drop of good news hit the household years ago, you become immobile. You are made helpless by the people you love most.