Page 40 of Out in the Surf

“I can’t?”

Cal turned the music off, then closed the distance between us, sliding his hands from my shoulders to my elbows. “Luca, you have to do what’s right for you.”

“Who says I’m not?” I shook him off and walked to the opposite side of the board. “What if being in LA is what I want? What if I wanted to work nearby and…maybe go to law school later? What if I told you I’m perfectly happy being here? Right here. With you.”

“Me,” he repeated. “I’m…I’m not…I shouldn’t be your reason, Luca.”

That stung.

It was on the tip of my tongue to backtrack, but you know what? Fuck that.

“You’re myonlyreason. You should know that.”

“Luca…”

“It’s true,” I assured him. “I can practically hear you thinking out loud. You’re thinking I’m too young to know what I want. You’re thinking I’ll get tired of you or that I’ll demand shit you can’t deliver. Or maybe you’re thinking that just when you might fall for me, I’ll leave you and you’ll get hurt…again. Am I close?”

Cal squinted, his expression wary. “I thought we were talking about a job.”

“We were, but this is about us now. Me and you. And…I’m too Italian to keep this in anymore. Look, I don’t care if you need or want to stay in the closet. You do you. But you need to know that I don’t hang out with you because I love surfing so damn much. I’m not here for titillating conversation, I’m not even here for the sex. I’m here for you, Cal. You.”

“I know. And I love that, but—”

“I love you,” I blurted.

Okay…apparently, I’d shocked both of us speechless. I swallowed hard while my lover gaped at me incredulously.

“You…”

“Yeah, I do. And before you try to tell me that I don’t know what I’m talking about—don’t. I know how I feel, and I know I mean it.” I put my hands on his cheeks and sealed my mouth over his, then retraced my steps to the door.

“Luca…”

“Yeah?”

He looked confused and way out of his element, in spite of the fact he was a block away from the beach and literally surrounded by the things he loved most.

“I don’t know if…I can do this. You have to live your life and—”

“And I will. If you just want to be friends, that will have to be okay.”

“That’s not what I want,” he huffed, following me to the door. “Wait. Where are you going?”

“Home. I’ll see you tomorrow at the competition. You’re gonna be awesome.” I released a ragged breath and tried to smile. “I’m sorry. My timing sucks. Just…go do good things. I’ll be there…cheering you on.”

My knees felt weak and my stomach turned unpleasantly as I made my way to my car.

Friends.Fuck me.

I’d been so careful with him. I hadn’t wanted to scare him. I hadn’t wanted to overwhelm him. But I couldn’t keep pretending.

Whatever happened now was up to him.

Cal

Fog stubbornly hugged the horizon in the distance, casting a hazy glow over the Pacific. The conditions were perfect. The offshore wind was steady and holding with regular sets averaging around three or four feet. Not the kind of waves to ride big barrels or anything dramatic. The key today was to ride it with confidence.

So far, I’d nailed it.