Chapter twenty-nine

Robbie

The blinding white stage light strobes across my face, cutting through the dark sky.

I squint, casting my gaze down to focus on the way my fingers pick at the strings of my guitar.

For the millionth time tonight, I need to force myself to focus on the set of songs we’re playing for over two thousand screaming people in the audience.

One more song left. I can do this.

If I’m honest, this whole show has been a blur. I’m trying to be accountable for my bandmates and not let my personal life affect my performance, but it’s been nearly impossible to focus on anything other than Naomi.

I miss her so much it feels like my lungs are being tightly squeezed—I haven’t taken a full deep breath in days. Performing for a crowd? Yeah right. Not at my highest level anyway. What’s the point when my heart is breaking into a million pieces?

With a shake of my head, I force myself to move to the outer corner of the stage, looking out at the faces in the crowd, desperately hoping some of their adrenaline might rub off me and cover some of this heartbreak.

Finally, I strum the last chord, faintly hearing Rylie and Dane saying goodbye to the crowd. I numbly follow them to the stage exit while the crowd’s cheers sound like something in the distance.

“Good show, man.” One of the sound guys gives me a pat on the shoulder as we jog down the stairs. I’m sure he’s just being polite—there’s no way my performance tonight was anything other than subpar, but I nod a thanks anyway, wiping the sweat from my forehead.

Dane jumps on my back, hanging on with one arm, the other fist pumping the air.

“Not bad for a lowly bass guitarist,” he drawls in my ear, fueled by excitement.

I know he’s teasing, but given my current mental state, I’m immediately transported back to the time I walked by my dad’s study and overheard him entertaining his fellow cardiologist buddies.

A bass guitarist. Can you believe it? A nice hobby, sure. But a career? No chance. When I was his age, I was already earning college credits. It’s pathetic, honestly.

Nausea swirls in my gut as I fight to push the thought out of my mind.

The memories from my childhood have been sitting closer to the surface ever since opening up to Naomi a few days ago, popping up to blindside me out of nowhere.

And that pretty much sums up my last few days since I left Pine Falls: alternating thoughts of missing Naomi and then cutting sharply to memories from my past.

“Vegas is a breed of its own, huh? That crowd was electric.” He jumps off me, barreling into our dressing room. I follow behind and head straight for the food table in search of something to bury in my now sour stomach.

“Where’s everybody heading tonight?” Rylie asks the room as he grabs a slice of pizza.

I barely listen as everyone shouts out their vote for which Vegas club would be best to hit up. We’ve racked up enough experiences here over the years to give them plenty of ideas, and they argue over which one they want to try and relive.

As for me, I can’t for the life of me seem to tear my attention away from the chocolate chip cookie in my hand that isn’t nearly half as good as Naomi’s. Another pang of guilt hits me as I stare at it.

Even with these overwhelming feelings, there has been one silver lining.

It’s been much easier to breathe now that I’m out of Pine Falls—and I feel terrible for that.

At what that means for a future with Naomi.

I feel even worse that I wasn’t able to shake the tension before I left.

She didn’t deserve the funk I ended up lost in.

She still doesn’t.

“You guys go ahead. I’ll catch up,” Dane’s voice breaks me out of my thoughts.

He waves to the rest of the band who are already halfway out the door and I throw up a sorry attempt at a wave, having not even noticed they were leaving already.

Then Dane pins me with a knowing look as he sinks down into a chair.

“Alright, spill, bro,” he says, pulling an empty chair next to him.

“What do you mean?” I take a big bite of the mediocre cookie to get it out of my sight.

“How long have we been friends now? Do you think I can’t tell when you’re in a mood?” He gestures again to the chair and this time I take the hint, sliding into it.

“I know. I’m sorry. I was really hoping this wouldn’t affect my performance,” I say apologetically.

“Screw the show,” he huffs. “I just want to know that you’re good. Because to be honest, you don’t look good.”

I blow out a breath, contemplating how exactly I’m supposed to explain this confusing mess I’ve found myself in.

“Is it Naomi?” his voice softens.

“Yes…among other things,” I admit, letting my head drop down to the floor.

“I’m listening,” he prompts me to go on.

“I…I guess I’m realizing that I don’t know how a future with her would truly work. I’ve told you that I don’t get along with my family—I absolutely despise being back in Pine Falls.”

“And that’s where she lives,” he cuts in.

“Yup. And she doesn’t want to leave there anytime soon.

Which she shouldn’t have to, but…it’s tearing me up inside, Dane.

I’ve never felt the way I do for her with anyone else.

I’m falling in love with her for sure. But what toll would it take on us if I don’t want to be in the city where she lives?

How could we ever last? Long distance rarely works as it is. ”

He nods his head, quietly allowing me to go on.

“I guess I’m torn,” I say simply with a heaving exhale.

He leans forward, hands clasped. “Do you want to know what I think?”

“Please. Clearly, I’m desperate,” I say, leaning back against the chair.

He adjusts himself, angling toward me.

“All I know is that real, true love isn’t as easy to find as everyone makes it seem.

” A shadow passes over his face as he continues.

“It’s even harder to hold onto. I’m not saying it would be easy, or that it’s even the right decision.

Only you can decide how much she means to you, but I say if you’re lucky enough to think you might have found it…

I don’t know, man…I sure as heck wouldn’t let it go. ”

I nod slowly, absorbing his words.

“Let me ask you this. What is the stronger feeling? Anger and resentment toward your family? Or the way you feel about Naomi?”

“Naomi,” I answer immediately. “I wouldn’t even have been there as much as I have if she wasn’t pulling me there.”

“Well…then maybe your answer is clearer than you think.”

I lift a defeated shoulder, the discord I feel toward my family holding me back from fully agreeing with him. Why can’t I just let it all go? What’s holding me back?

“Are you planning on avoiding your past for the rest of your life?” He huffs. “‘Cause I’ll tell you what…that stuff will follow you around wherever you go regardless.”

“When’d you get so philosophical?” I ask with a smirk.

He tips his mouth in a grin. “I’ve seen a lot of things. Been a lot of places.”

“I don’t know.” I grow serious, sighing again. “I guess I have some thinking to do. I’m done waffling, though. It’s not fair to her. I need to choose a path and commit to it. In or out with Naomi.”

“Do you want to meet up with the boys? You know they’re bound to get into all kinds of trouble—the distracting kind.”

“Nah, I think I’m going to head back to the bus. But you should go out. One of us might as well have some fun.” I rise, sliding the chair back where it was.

“I’ve seen Vegas enough. I’ll come with you.”

I pat him on the back, grateful for his support, then grab a cookie for the road—because, apparently, I’m also feeling like a glutton for punishment tonight.

The walk through the now-empty hallways of the venue is quiet. Every step has me pondering Dane’s words, deciding what I can and can’t live without. He walks beside me, a silent, steady support, until we get back to the bus.

“I’ll be right here for the night,” he declares, grabbing a beer from the mini fridge before sinking onto the couch. I grab one for myself and slump down next to him.

I contemplate calling Naomi just to hear her voice…and maybe apologize for leaving the way I did. Ultimately, I resist reaching for my phone—what else would I say? I shouldn’t call her until I have a solid plan figured out.

As I mindlessly watch whatever show Dane selected, I contemplate the question I’ve asked Naomi over and over again, but have never stopped to consider for myself.

What do I want out of life?

Regardless of my aversion to Pine Falls, am I even ready to settle down in general? I don’t exactly live a stable lifestyle. Am I destined to be a drifter for the rest of my life? Or is the pull to be with Naomi strong enough to convince me to keep coming back to a city I despise?

With another swig of my beer, I sink even farther into the couch, spending the rest of evening pondering these life-altering questions, and what my findings mean for the direction of my life.