Page 31 of Only Mr Darcy (Obstinate, Headstrong Girl #1)
CHAPTER THIRTY
D arcy saw, by her expression, her disbelief. It slayed him, to know how deeply he had wounded her. By dint of will, he resisted the urge to draw her into his arms, to show her by the intensity of his affection just how deeply he felt. She was owed much more than passionate kisses, and he knew it.
“Will you walk with me?” He held out his arm, waiting for her answer. It took her far longer to take it than he had hoped, and she was unusually silent as they took their usual path to Oakham. He prayed that the mist would not turn to rain.
“I owe you the deepest apologies,” he said at last, unsure how to begin. “The last time we spoke, I treated you poorly. I intimated that you were not good enough to be a sister to mine.”
“Thank you for reminding me,” she said, her tone dry.
“I hope I am not doing that abominable thing—hurting your feelings all over again whilst trying to purge my own.”
“No, no, do go on.”
He could not tell whether she was being sarcastic, but there was really nothing for it but to stumble onwards. “The truth, of course, is that you have helped me, inestimably, to understand Georgiana, and then saved her entire future.”
“I am glad she is safe. She was out of her depth, and I happened along at just the moment to intervene. I shall accept gratitude for an action that anyone might have performed, but need nothing more from you.”
“Out of her depth, but not yours, evidently. According to her, you literally knocked him off his feet.”
“Well, I had the advantage of surprise. He was not expecting me, you see.”
Darcy stopped, turning to face her. “That is just it. You are always unexpected. In my sudden attraction to you I was out of my depth. Falling in love with you was like taking the first step off a cliff face. I could not feel the ground beneath my feet, and I—I panicked. I prefer to be in control of my present and my future.”
Her lovely, luminous eyes widened suddenly, as if he had said something remarkable. Too late, he realised he had declared his love in a remarkably ham-handed fashion. Should he fall to his knees? Beg? He was not above doing either of those acts, he found.
“I ought to have realised sooner that it matters little what stupid pretence of control I try to maintain. Gratitude? Is one grateful for the sky or the earth beneath one’s feet? Perhaps I ought to be, but for the most part…it just is. You, Elizabeth, are my stars, my moon, and my sun. You own my heart and my soul, whether you want them or not.”
She gazed into his eyes, as if she were trying to read the truth there. “Why did you remain at Netherfield after you told me how unacceptable I was? To everyone except you, of course.”
He heard the sarcasm, but her hurt spoke more loudly.
“I thought I would go. It was my original intention. But when I mentioned that I might depart soon, Mrs Hurst and Miss Bingley began badgering Bingley to return to town with me. Considering how I had treated you, I told myself it was my duty to support Bingley in his courtship with Miss Bennet—he is most unaffectedly modest, you see. I was deceiving myself, however.”
She raised her perfect brows.
“I could not bear to leave you. Would you care to hear the other lies I concocted? Georgiana does not care for London, and the climate in Hertfordshire was preferable. When Mr Goulding predicted inclement weather, I said it would be uncomfortable to travel.” Her expression had softened a little, and he blurted the rest of his confession. “I needed to ensure you were well. I wrestled with the urge to visit you every time Bingley went, knowing I was behaving poorly, knowing you wanted nothing more to do with me, knowing I was an unbelievable ass but that I had some reason for it.”
He could not help stepping closer, holding her dear face in his hands—gently though, so that she could easily pull away if she wished.
“I have walked through the most brutal slums of London at midnight. I regularly face down the Earl of Matlock and confront him when he is behaving poorly. I do not hesitate to inform Judge Darcy when he is abominably, wickedly wrong. I do not fear man, not my family nor my enemies. But when it came to you, I was a spineless coward.”
Elizabeth tilted her head, studying him. “What has changed?”
“I do not know. Perhaps nothing. Why would you want such a man? How can I ask your forgiveness? The answer is I cannot. Yet, every time I close my eyes there you are. And I think, is this as hard as it will get? Will the pain of losing you—of not only knowing that I lost you, but I lost you because I spurned you—ever get better? Or will it be like this forever? I deserve the pain of my weakness. But I am not only cowardly, I am too deeply in love to face the notion that my errors are permanent.”
She did not move—not towards him, nor away. “What made you look for me at the bridge today? Do you imagine I go there daily, yearning for you?”
“No. I have been so lonely for you, you see. I went there today, yearning for you.”
To his astonishment, she lifted her arms, wrapping them around his neck. “Is it weak to admit when you have made a mistake?”
He could not resist any longer. He bent his head, lowering his mouth upon hers, and tasted again her sweetness, her beauty, the rightness of her—his universe shifting in a moment from chaos to light and order. Instantly the quality of his longing changed, tinder added to flame, a flaring of passion into ecstasy. It was all he could do to bridle the storm raging within while the feel of her in his arms burnt hot, bright, and honeyed—a nearly irresistible onslaught.
“My darling, my darling,” he murmured, kissing across her jaw and down the side of her neck. “Say you will marry me, and soon. I shall obtain a licence. I cannot wait. Tell me you do not wish any delay.”
She gazed up into his eyes, hers a blend of hesitation and desire, and he nearly plunged to meet her mouth again. Only the need to hear her answer stopped him.
“What of your sister? Nothing has changed, not really. Is it fair, to take me as your bride, when it might affect her opportunities?”
“Yes, it will affect her opportunities. With a sister such as you, she shall grow in poise and assurance; she shall no longer lack a confidante, one in whom both she and I trust. With a sister such as you, she shall have an excellent example of strength and happiness. I cannot count the thousands of ways having you in her life will help her. Have helped her already. I am sorry that I hid behind the excuse of Georgiana’s future when, unconsciously, I thought only of my own fears. I am in love with you, fully, deeply, wildly in love for the first time in my life. My sister wonders at my idiocy in delaying making you mine.”
She rewarded this answer with more kisses, until he was nearly driven mad with need.
But before he could give way to the haze of hunger, she stopped him with another question. “Have you truly thought this through? My family is often ill-behaved, and Mr Collins will become your brother. I cannot promise much change in that direction.”
“And the earl and the judge shall become your uncles. I, unfortunately, cannot promise much in the way of goodness from either of them. Also, as you shall soon learn for yourself, since your sister is marrying Collins, my lady aunt’s disposition is…unique.” He could not help the frown that came to mind, imagining them all descending upon Elizabeth. Lady Catherine would be furious, and his uncles would try to manipulate her for their various schemes. “It is the one selfless motive I can claim for failing to propose sooner, not wanting you to have to deal with them all.”
The corner of her mouth lifted, showing her dimple. “We are to be a family of difficult characters, are we? When it all becomes too much to bear, the Darcys shall simply disappear from society and go fishing. Will Miss Darcy learn to bait her own hook, I wonder? Have I mentioned that I also enjoy a good game of cricket?”
There was only one response, logically, to give her, and Darcy very, very much enjoyed giving it.