Page 17 of One Cry Too Loud (Coastal Crime Unit #9)

“ T his wasn’t a good idea,” I told Kat.

We sat in the car, looking at Holly through the rearview mirror.

We were a mile away from Alice Masters’s house; the woman who adopted and raised Cindy Masters, Holly’s biological daughter.

For the third time in the forty mile drive, we had to pull over because Holly felt like she couldn’t breath.

I watched as she braced herself against the car, closing her eyes as tears streamed down her face. “She shouldn’t have come.”

“She begged me, Jackson,” Kat said, looking at the woman through the rearview mirror as well. “She said she felt like she had to.”

“And look at her now,” I said, sighing. “She’s a mess, Kat. She can’t handle this, and not only because of the personal aspect of it.”

“I know,” Kat said tersely.

“She’s not a field agent. This isn’t her area of expertise,” I said. “When I first arrived, when we went to that beach party thing and took out the Cuckoo, she practically shook all over.”

“This is a dangerous job, Jackson. Not everyone has the constitution for it,” Kat replied.

“I’m not blaming her, Kat,” I said. “I’m agreeing with you. She’s the best in the world at what she does. There is no one better, but that doesn’t mean she can do this. That doesn’t mean she can be physically out in the fray of it.”

“But she is,” Kat said, deflating with the words. “We’re not even here yet, and she’s already coming apart at the seams.” She shook her head. “I’ve talked to her twice already. It doesn’t seem to do any good.”

“Let me give it a try then,” I said, pulling at the door handle. “Maybe I’ll have better luck.”

I stepped out of the car and onto the side of the road. It was a busy day, with cars speeding by one after the other. It struck me as odd, that there could be a woman standing out here-very obviously in distress, and not one person would stop for her. That seemed to be the world these days, though.

“I’m sorry,” she said through gasps of breath as she saw me walking toward her. “I’m so sorry.”

“There’s no need for that. I didn’t come out here for you to apologize. I came to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine,” she said, her eyes still closed, tears still staining her cheeks.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, sweetheart, but you don’t really look fine,” I said.

“I didn’t even think about how I must look,” she said, placing a second hand against the car for further support. “I must be a terrible fright.”

I smiled a little despite myself. “You look fine. You look nice actually. That’s not what I meant.”

Holly did look nice. She was dressed up, in a navy skirt that fit well and a matching blouse.

She had a touch more makeup on than usual, and the barrage of necklaces, bracelets, and earrings that usually adorned her had been pared down to a more manageable number.

She obviously wanted to make a good impression on the woman who adopted her daughter, and I ventured she probably would…

assuming she could pull herself together.

“I’m being ridiculous,” she said, opening her eyes and looking over to me. “I know I am, but I just can’t help it. I keep thinking it’s passed. I keep thinking I’m calm, and then it all just ratchets itself up again. My chest feels tight. My heart speeds up. I just-I don’t know what to do.”

“You might be having a panic attack,” I said. “I’d tell you to try and calm down, but I’m not sure that’s the best advice in situations like this.”

“I’ve been trying,” she said politely, still gasping. “It hasn’t worked.”

“Do you want to go back?” I asked. “I can turn around and take you back to the safehouse. It’s no tro-”

“No!” She answered loudly. “I want to do this. I need to do it. She’s my daughter, Jack. I might not have raised her, but I gave birth to her. That means something.”

“Of course it does,” I said. “But it doesn’t mean you have to make yourself unwell.

You did the hard thing, Holly. You brought this to us, you helped us immensely, and you spoke about things that you probably didn’t want to in order to get it done.

You don’t have to do this too. I will do everything in my power to save Cindy Masters. I promise you that. You have my word.”

“I know that, Jack,” she said, swallowing hard as she pushed herself off the car.

“I don’t doubt what you’d do for me. I don’t doubt it at all.

I just-it feels like I need to be here. This woman raised my daughter.

She took her into her home. She loved her.

She protected her, and now she’s lost her.

” Tears flowed anew. “I’m the only other person in the world who knows what it feels like to lose that girl.

I’m the only other person who knows how much it hurts.

She gave my baby a life. The least I can do is help her through that hurt. ”

“It’s not for you,” I said so quietly that it was almost to myself as I realized why she demanded to come with us. “Of course, it’s not for you.”

“I just keep wondering what she must think of me,” Holly said. “I keep wondering if she judges me.”

“Alice?” I asked.

“I gave birth to my daughter in prison. Alice knew that when she adopted her. She must have thought horrible things. She must have thought I was some terrible felon. And, of course, she wouldn’t have been wrong. I am that.”

“You’re more than the bad you did back then,” I said. “You’re more than the good you do now.” I stepped closer to her. “You’re an amazing person, Holly. You’re one of the most special people I’ve ever met in my life.”

She looked up at me, glassy eyed and shaky. “You really do believe that. Don’t you?”

“I don’t say things I don’t believe,” I replied.

“And more than that, I knew it immediately. The first time I ever saw you, it took maybe two minutes for me to understand just how fantastic you are. It’ll be the same for Alice.

She’ll know you, Holly. She’ll be impressed by you.

She’ll probably adore you. It’s kind of impossible not to. ”

She looked at me for a long moment. Then she leaned on her tip toes and kissed me on the lips.

I stood there, stunned for a second with her lips against mine. Finally, I pulled away.

“I’m sorry,” she said, jumping back quickly and shaking her head. “Oh God. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“It’s okay,” I said, nodding at her.

“It’s not okay. You were just trying to help me, and I-I-Lord, I’m sorry,” she said. “Can you forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive,” I said. “It’s really okay.”

She didn’t look at me as she passed by. “Okay. Alright. I think I’m ready to go now.”

“Okay,” I said, looking at the woman as she slid into the car.

I followed suit, getting into the front seat and closing the door behind me. “We’re ready.”

“Yeah. I can see that,” Kat said, muttering lowly as to keep her voice down. “That was…quite the conversation.”

“Yeah,” I answered, realizing she had seen the whole thing. “It sure was.”