Page 123 of Off-Limits

I swallow down my retorts to their piss poor apologies and condolences, because I’m not here to help them pay their penance for whatever they believe they’ve done wrong, whether to my mother or themselves; I’m here to lay mum to rest.

Nothing more and nothing less.

I take my seat at the front of the church, Arrie slots in beside me and Damon sits behind me. My dad doesn’t know about us yet, and I’d prefer it stay that way until I’m ready to tell him.

I haven’t caught sight of Kerry-Anne, and I hope it stays that way. She lost the title of aunty a long time ago, but now more than ever. She is the scum that collects under the toilet bowl, and the fact she tried to not only blackmail me, but also Damon, and tried to silence and control Arrie through her manipulative tactics, leaves me angry once more.

Arrie didn’t go into too much detail, but the fact she’s tried speaks volumes. The stupid woman is scared and so she should be, alas, this is not my story to tell or to speak ill of. I will be here for Arrie whenever she needs me, always.

As if sensing my inner thoughts, she reaches over and squeezes my thigh. I place my hand on top of hers, turning toward her and offering a small smile. She returns it, tears shimmering in her eyes.

A silent conversation passes between us.

Are you ok?

Do you need anything?

We will get through this together, like every other time.

I’m here for you. Always.

Squeezing our hands tighter together, we turn toward the front as Father Malachi walks toward the podium. Numbly, I watch as his long white robe brushes along the floor, noticing it matches his white hair that he pushes behind his ears. I haven’t seen him for years, but the aura around him is comforting, a calmness billowing off him as he stands to address the church. He looks out to the pews, and I watch his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows, and I can’t help noticing how his old, kind weathered face looks sombre. Swallowing,Arrie squeezes my hand again as his voice booms loudly around us.

“We are here today to celebrate the life of Mani Wilmott,” he starts, and the world around me fades out, my eyes zoning in on her coffin, as the slideshow begins to play behind it.

Images flicker up from her as a baby, and it moves through her life while Axel Rose’s voice rings out loudly around us,November Rainechoing through the church. Through wet, blurry eyes I watch the light fade from hers the more she ages, and when she hits her teenage years, I see the defeat lining them as if she accepted her fate.

When the mental slideshow finishes, I release the hold on Arrie and wipe the tears from my face and eyes. Father Malachi starts talking again while I try and collect myself, reciting a poem and verse from the bible I chose, because my dad was too drunk to do so.

When I hear my name called, I jolt in my seat, standing up and ironing down my overalls with my hand, the written eulogy crinkling in my hand as I start walking toward the front, feeling the eyes burning holes in the back of my head.

I move slowly, my body sluggish and heavy with each step closer to the podium, and just as I reach the steps, I turn to the side and lock eyes with Paige, whom I haven’t seen since we graduated high school, six years ago. Tears brim in her eyes as she bounces her four-month daughter on her lap, with her husband Levi sitting beside her, his hand resting possessively on her lap. She offers me a small, sad smile, and I return it before I turn away, swallowing the cement clogging up my throat.

Walking up the steps to the alter, I stand in front of the podium and look out at the sea of people, before looking down and opening my crumpled paper. Clearing my throat, I take one final breathand begin.

I flick through the memories in my mind,

The photos of your beautiful smile,

Your dancing dark eyes,

And I see your pain for miles,

None of it seems real,

The loss of you has left me numb,

I don't want to believe that I'll never see your face again,

And that I have so many unanswered questions to ask, mum,

Thoughts swirl around and around,

I continue to see your face every time I close my eyes,

I wish we both weren't infected with ghosts of our pasts,

I wish we weren't left with so many why's,