Page 114 of Off-Limits

“Breathe, Dottie, just breathe.”

I follow Arrie’s advice, her soothing voice echoing around me. In, out, in, out, I draw the needy breaths trying to stay trapped in my damn throat.

When I finally feel like I can stand upright, I inhale another deep breath before exhaling.

“That’s it. Deep breaths.”

My dad’s voice echoes in the night, clamouring loudlywhile glass smashes. Squeezing my eyes closed, I try and block out the noise and the memories trying to break through.

“I think it’s time to go.”

Opening my eyes, I look at Arrie’s wet peridot pair and throw my arms around her.

“I don’t deserve you.”

“The fuck you don’t. Now get your ass in the car before I head back inside and slap your dad silly.”

I feel numb, as if I’m acting on autopilot.

Nothing feels real right. The last visit with my mum plays over and over like a broken record, and I desperately try and rack my brain to try and see if I missed anything.

Did she know?

The car door slams, effectively severing the memory. Arrie climbs into the driver’s seat. I turn back and look at the dreary looking house I grew up in, the ghosts cling and hang in the shadows. She’s still here, I can feel her, and it makes me sad that not even in death would she leave him.

I turn away from the house and buckle myself in.

Arrie doesn’t say anything, but I can feel her eyes on me like they’re a branding iron, burning my flesh. After a few seconds, she starts the car, and it rolls forward.

We sit in comfortable silence, until Simple Minds comes on through the radio, belting out“Don’t you forget about me”, and before I know it, I’m a sobbing mess. It was one of my mum’s favourite songs.

“Oh, babe.” Arrie whispers beside me, and I know she’s crying too.

Memories flood through my mind, infecting it like liquor, and I can’t hold back the heart wrenching sobs that overwhelm my body as I think of my mum. She was only fifty-two, taken way too soon, but something tells me it was self-inflicted.

The hotel sign comes into view, sobering mesome, and I manage to reign in my choked sobs, because I know I need to check in. A stuttered breath leaves my now cracked lips as Arrie rolls into a parking spot before turning off the car.

“I was going to bring you back to my house, but I thought you would want some time alone.”

I swallow hard, thinking of the one place I would have loved to have gone, but I don’t expect Damon to welcome me back into his arms, or into his life after the way I left him, but if I’m honest, I do have a lot to process.

“I’ll be back early in the morning,” she rushes, “or if you want to come back to mine you can.”

I turn and face Arrie, so fucking grateful she forgave me and is still in my life. Shaking my head, I force a smile and wipe away the lingering tears slipping down my face.

“It’s ok. Some space and time to process will be good. Plus, you have two hot men at home waiting for you.”

My voice comes out hoarse and not sounding like my own. I know the crying is far from over, but I just need to hold out until I am behind closed doors. Then I can fall apart.

I open the door before she can protest, and I hear her do the same.

“I’m coming with you. Just to check you in, and then I’ll leave, ok?”

I nod, because I don’t trust myself to answer her.

Twenty minutes later and after Arrie said her goodbyes, I’m sitting on the bed, cradled with pillows and a notebook and pen in my hand. Ugly sobs wrench from my soul, threatening to tear me asunder, but I breathe through it, allowing myself to feel.

I write a poem I wish I could have shared with her in person. Instead, it’s one I’ll speak at her funeral. The page is blurry; my tears having created a frosted window kind of lookthrough my wet eyes. I swipe at my tears absentmindedly, feeling the headache approaching fast.