Page 31 of Of Flames and Fallacies (Arterian #1)

thirty-one

ME AND YOU

“See you tomorrow,” Darian casually rumbles, his eyes closed as he still lies naked on the bed.

I nearly run out the door, fumbling with my shirt to try and tuck it into my pants as I go. I can’t get out fast enough, and I can’t think straight. Racing to my room, I enter and shut the door, sinking down to my heels. I stare wide eyed across my room at the opposite wall.

Oh, fuck. Oh gods. What is wrong with me? What in the fuck was that…

I bury my head into my hands. My mind reels, searching for answers, but I come up empty handed every time. I’m taken aback by how easily I slipped. Disappointed in my lack of self-composure. I should have at least tried to take the map. I smack my cheek for not considering it sooner. It’s far too late to sneak back in to get it.

“Are you okay?”

Daeja’s voice makes me nearly jump out of my skin.

“No. I mean...yes. I…” I sigh, running a hand through my hair. “ I don’t know, Daeja. I fucked up. I just made a huge mistake.”

“I’m right here,” she murmurs.

“Where?” Panic laces my voice. My breathing speeds up as realization settles around me. Last I saw her, she was just outside of camp.

“I went back to the lake as you asked. It’s okay. Take a deep breath.”

“Okay...okay.” I rub my eyes with the heel of my hands as I process the events from the last few hours until I realize...shit. Pennyroyal. I need pennyroyal.

“I need to grab something from the healer’s quadrant.”

“I won’t leave without you.”

I scramble to my feet. If I’m still going to try to leave for the Dragon Lands, I should at least take a contraceptive. My heart thunders in my chest as I slip out of my room and out into camp. I can’t help but throw a glance over my shoulder at Darian’s room before I go. The slim possibility of running into Cole this late at night has me profusely sweating. I manage to make it to the healer’s quadrants unseen and begin to pick through what herbs we have on the counter.

Fuck. We are out of pennyroyal.

Before I can panic, I turn to the shelves and begin to sift through bottles and vials. “Where is the godsdamned pennyroyal—”

“What are you doing here this late at night, Katerina?” a voice calls from behind me.

I whirl, not moving fast enough to conceal the vial I’m gripping onto as if it may save my very life. Part of me eases when I make out Marge’s hunched silhouette. But the shadows cover her expression, and she stands in the doorway eerily still. My skin prickles as if caressed by her gaze.

Did she happen to catch what I said about the pennyroyal? I swallow, unable to come up with a good reason as to why I might be here so late at night. The thought of explaining my reason to her is both mortifying and terrifying.

Thankfully, she doesn’t allow me more than a few seconds to answer.

“If you’re looking for pennyroyal, we’re out. Soldiers tend to celebrate when they realize how close they’ve come to dying. We need to restock our supplies tomorrow. You’ll be fine to wait until morning.”

I nod, clearing my throat as I place the vial back on its shelf. The thought of waiting until tomorrow morning has my stomach working in knots. I dip my head, and she holds the door open for me as I shuffle out. I slip out of camp, beyond the crumbling wall to the forest.

I meet Daeja near the lake, and she nudges my elbow up, lifting my arm into the air so she can slide herself against me and settles her muzzle into the crook of my chest. Her gentle breath slows my own.

After a few quiet moments, I climb onto her back and settle between her neck and shoulders. Without a word, she takes to the skies.

She doesn’t ask. She doesn’t say anything.

I remember her telling me before she could feel what I felt. Does she feel the shame eating at me, like a vulture feasting on a corpse? Does the guilt I feel rip into her like talons of a predator, leaving nothing left but a carcass of bone and blood? The thought of such a heavy emotion bleeding into her own self-consciousness plummets me into more guilt.

“Don’t.”

She glides over the lake, and the smallest morsel of peace settles over me. Up in the vastness of the night sky, I’m reminded of how small and insignificant I am. It dulls the overwhelming emotions consuming me like a rabid animal I can’t control.

How did I ever get through the loss of my brother or my mother? Or the failure of saving the little girl in Hornwood? The more I think about it, perhaps I never did process the pain. Perhaps it all still lingers in the back of my mind, and it always will. Yet, the things I struggle with now feel so trivial in comparison. So self-inflicted. As I gaze down at Daeja’s muscled neck and brush my hands across her scales—it clicks.

She is my gravity. The one constant thing securing me to this earth, despite doing the complete opposite—soaring through the crisp night air. With every heartache and failure, she’s been there all along.

My gaze floats up toward the scenery ahead of us. The jagged mountaintops of Dragon’s Back Ridge stretch into the star-studded sky like angry claws reaching for the heavens. The border between us and the Dragon Lands. All we have to do is go north.

My racing mind eases to a manageable pace with each inhale. The fog of my guilt and shame lifts. I’m finally able to think more logically. We need the map. And I need pennyroyal. I could steal the map from Darian’s room. Get pennyroyal in the morning. And gather as many supplies as I can: food, water, extra clothes. It’ll get colder the further north we get with us flying at high altitudes.

But where I get stuck is the people I’ve met here. Do I leave Marge? And do I leave Archie, without saying goodbye? The thought of leaving Archie—alone—pains me. Even if I know he’ll be fine without me.

Yet, something keeps me from guiding us to the Dragon Lands. Something about it is inherently wrong. Maybe it’s the fear I’ve already fucked up so much, and I’m scared the next decision I make will end in even more catastrophic ramifications. I don’t trust myself, I realize.

And that scares me.

Perhaps there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to leave Cole—that doesn’t want to lose him completely. Even though I may already have, and even though he lost a piece of me. The thought of him with someone else destroys something intrinsic in me.

Gods, I’m a mess. My heart is shattered, and I clutch the pieces to my chest, desperately fearful I may lose another piece of myself at any given moment.

How can I love someone, and yet hate them all at the same time?

Daeja turns left, and I instinctively lean into her, bracing myself as she lifts and dives. She’s holding back, though. It all comes so easy to her—like a second nature close to breathing or blinking. The sound of her wings thunder behind me. The wind cuts into my remorse and frees what tears I have from my eyes until I cry.

I reach a hand down and caress her neck, remembering when she was so small her entire body fit into the palm of my hand. The memory wraps around my heart and squeezes me in a painful way.

I’m jolted with a burst of warmth and joy, the pure emotion chasing away my darkness. My vision of a baby Daeja perched in my hand, staring up at me with her round eyes morphs. The memory shifts to me looking at... myself. Through Daeja’s eyes.

I gasp and almost slip from her neck. In the vision, my hair is matted, and my dull eyes are sunken with sadness. Cheekbones jut out from my features, threatening to puncture my taut pale skin. Even the natural blush of my cheeks and nose is muted. The freckles dusting my nose and cheeks are stark against my ashen skin.

But I’m flooded with love, warmth, and safety. It shuns out the darkness of my thoughts and feelings.

“Me and you,” Daeja whispers along our bond.

A smile splits through the bitter cold entrapping my heart. In the memory, I scratch Daeja under the chin for the first time. My foreign, dull blue eyes stare back at me. Her purr ignites a spark of life to my eyes.

The rest of the night and morning I cling to it. To that sliver of peace and love.

To Daeja.

To my relief, Marge offers me pennyroyal first thing in the morning when I report for duty. Later in the day after sparring, we gather for lunch. I sit across from Archie, wary of where Cole glides through the outpost chatting with several different soldiers. Relief washes over Cole’s face when he notices me. I tear my attention away from him. Archie is droning on about Mistwood facts when I pick up the strut of a predator in my periphery.

Darian stalks by, takes a seat next to Archie, and winks when our gazes collide. I bite my lip to keep myself from blushing, staring at Archie in an attempt to look at anyone but Darian.

But Darian’s eyes bore into me possessively. I’m pleading to the heavens Archie doesn’t notice his newly aimed attention at me. Archie clears his throat and peers over to Darian. Clearly, Darian and I both missed whatever Archie has said or asked.

“Shut up,” Darian says, his eyes not wavering from what I imagine is the curve of my throat down to my chest.

I flick a glare at him, finally meeting his gaze. Asshole.

Archie flinches. “But I wanted to know if—”

Darian finally tears his stare away from me and toward Archie. “Do you not understand the concept of ‘shut up?’”

I slam a fist into the table, pinning Darian with a leer. “Would you fucking leave him alone for once?”

Archie’s eyes round, a nervous chuckle shaking his chest. A shoulder brushes me, and Cole settles into the seat next to mine. Darian shoots to his feet with a snort and walks off.

“Good riddance,” I half-whisper as I watch Darian go.

Cole tosses me a sideways glance before taking a sip of water. He still has no food in front of him, just as I have nothing in front of me. I’ve been avoiding looking at what Archie’s eating, for fear of it surfacing whatever may be left in the pits of my own gut.

Cole stretches a hand out cautiously for mine. “Hey...I’ve been wanting to talk to you. Can I get you alone for a moment—”

I jolt to my feet. “I’ve got to go. I’ll catch you guys later.”

Cole’s gaze weighs on me as I leave. The space between us tears at me. I nearly run for my room, but before I know it, I’m passing my door and headed toward Darian’s. The same door slammed in my face just days ago. The same one we burst through last night in a tangle of heat, lust, and…whatever else it was. I reach a hand forward to knock, hesitating, before forcing myself to rap my knuckles against the wood.

Darian pulls the door open, his face melting into a sinister grin when he realizes it’s me. He leans a shoulder into the doorframe and flicks the door open. “Come in.”

I slink past him into his room, my breath catching when I stare at the tangled sea of sheets on his bed. The memories of last night flash into my mind— digging my fingers into his sheets, his body pressed into mine, gods how good he felt.

I swallow.

Darian strolls over to his desk, plopping into his chair. He leans back, perching his dirty boots on the desk as he uncorks his flask. He takes a swig, and my eyes travel to the map underneath one of his boots.

I inch forward, motioning toward his flask. “A little early for that, don’t you think?”

Now it’s his turn to ignore me.

“So, you’ve come back for more?” he chirps. “Admittedly, I got carried away last night. Next time, you won’t be able to walk straight when I’m done with you.”

I roll my eyes, ignoring the shiver racing down my spine as I stalk over to him. My voice dips to a whisper, “No. I’ve come back to tell you that last night didn’t happen.”

“Oh? Really? Hard to say it didn’t happen. I’ll forever remember your gods-pleading moan and delicious skin in great detail.”

“It didn’t happen,” I hiss. “And it’s not going to happen again.”

He laughs and kicks his feet off the desk, swinging them beneath him as he stands. His green eyes darken. Walnut brown locks of hair sweep down over his forehead, tickling the dark lashes lining his eyes.

I glare. “I’m serious, you cocky bastard.”

His eyebrow quirks at my word choice. “Cocky, huh? Is that meant to be an insult or a compliment?” He takes a thumb and drags it down his tongue and bottom lip, so sensually slow I find myself holding my breath.

“Need I spell it out for you? It was a mistake,” I growl.

“I’d love to agree with you, kitten.” He reaches out and swipes his wet thumb slowly across my cheek. “But then we’d both be wrong.”

I shove him away from me, his muscled chest firm under my palms.

He smirks. “You had a little bit of dirt there.”

I don’t believe a bit of it. “You’re deplorable.”

“I know.”

“Is that all you ever know how to say?”

“What’s the point in arguing with you? I’d rather spend my time and energy doing…something else.” He breathes and looks down at my lips.

Turning away from him, I scan the map when I notice several letters scattered across his desk. One thing jumps out at me toward the bottom of every one of them.

‘Love, Celeste.’

My eyebrows raise, and my mouth parts in surprise. Great. I’ve now slept with two taken men?

He notices my stare and shifts his body between me and the desk, covering my sight line of the letters. Leaning back against his desk, he crosses his arms over his chest. “Nosy little thing, aren’t you?”

I mirror him and cross my own arms, leaning back into one hip. “Those all from your lover?”

He laughs. “No. Why? You jealous?”

I wrinkle my nose and shake my head. “Absolutely not.”

“Oh my gods, you’re actually…jealous?” He laughs again.

“What would I have to be jealous of?” A muscle ticks in my jaw, and I clamp it down. I turn and walk to his door. “You’re so conceited.”

“You’ll have to try harder to insult me,” he calls.

“I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you,” I sneer and slam the door shut behind me.

I’ll have to figure out another way to get the map. One that doesn’t include sleeping with Darian again.