Page 175 of Obsidian and Frost

“What is it?” he asked, concerned.

“One of my contacts has offered up an actual name, an identity of somebody in the higher echelons ofPuritas. Identifying those at the top is unheard of. Sorin is the only one who has ever been outed and that was because he made it personal to Velra, ensuring she knew he was with them to hurt her, to threaten her into hiding.”

He growled at that last part. “That’s quite the offer, but what will be the price?”

“Excuse me?”

“These contacts of yours, they only provide information should you pay them—with great favors on your part.”

“You’ve been talking to Lazriel. Or he’s been talking to you, is more like it.”

“He wanted me to understand you, so he explained the lengths you go to for those you care about. Of course he isn’t aware that we’ve already established an understanding in that area. He knows not of our death pact.”

“Our… that’s not what a death pact is.”

“Ourmurderpact?”

“No.” I shoved my hand through my hair. “Listen—"

But he cut in, “I believe it is you who needs to listen, friend. These contacts require incredible use of your power and abilities. Considering your current disposition, I don’t believe that is wise. Nor actually possible for you without putting yourself in terrible risk of sustaining near-fatal damage.”

“To stay connected to that world, to be able to access information like this, I need to operate this way. Without it I’m blind. We’re blind.”

“I understand, however, it is not sustainable. All the while a cure to your illness eludes you, you remain at a disadvantage. I saw you inject five lots of serum into yourself in order to be able to set out on the mission that night. I saw what it cost you to do so, and I am certain there were longer term consequences as well, such as you now needing more than even three injections per day just to ward off desiccation.Thatis what the serum was intended for—to prevent desiccation. Not to allow you to operate as though you are not sick at all, as though you are invulnerable. Even a magical body can only take so much damage and abuse—and serum injections—before it utterly collapses.”

“I can’t slow down!” I snapped. Actually, bellowed was more like it with how hard his words had hit. “I can’t demonstrate weakness! Why is that so hard for people to understand? Thinking they can take care of me… that’s not how it works!”

“I think I do understand,” Cassius said, eyeing me curiously. “It’s not just about others seeing weakness in you. It’s you. You can’t bear to either feel weak, or to be seen that way. Yes?”

“Yes,” I ground out.

“Magical might is not the only source of strength, nor the only thing you bring to the table, Sylas. Do you not recognize that?” He laid his hand on my shoulder. “They do not love you for your magical prowess, nor your ability to protect them froma threat. I believe it is extremely important that you recognize that. Especially at this juncture.”

“I can’t just—”

“I believe I may know why Velra’s magical eruptions enhance your own magic.”

“What? How do you even know about—ah, Lazriel again.”

“He’s concerned. He’s noticed you withdrawing lately. It’s why he didn’t reach out to you for advice when he was confused over his attraction to me and his need to feed from the vein becoming so powerful where I was concerned. He believes this withdrawal is your sickness worsening and you embarrassed to tell him and Velra that you’re weakening.”

“Fuck,” I muttered.

“Velra wants to assist you. And she can. If you allow this, as you first intended before you grew so close to her and then moved into a protective and cherishing mindset and then came to believe it would be an imposition. You wouldn’t need to use the serum to stabilize your magic. You could return just to using it to ward off the desiccation.” He shook his head at me. “Do you really think that after I healed that desiccation with my Light that day that I did not pick up on the toxicity of the serum itself? I know that it is essentially poisoning you, yet it is the lesser evil when up against the sickness that Corvin Morvain afflicted you with.”

I choked and pulled from his hold. “Months,” I rasped.

“Months?”

“At the rate that it’s progressing, combined with the toxicity of the serum, and how much I’m having to use my power, if Kai and I can’t find a cure, the sickness will take me within a few months.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “It’s what we determined a couple of nights ago.”

“As learned as Kai is, this is different. As I told Kai the night I healed you, this sickness is manufactured and not of any pure magic.”

“Yes, hence the complications and how confounded it has us both. Kai had an idea but it’s dangerous. It would involve me finding another necromancer to tether me and basically shove me into the outer rims of the Valley of the Dead, reset me essentially in death energy and the foundational aspects of necromantic essence, then pull be back to the realm of the living with said tether.”

“That could be done without a necromancer.”

“Only if the magic-wielder performs a sacrifice as part of the spell, trading a life for a life. A necromancer doesn’t need to do that due to the nature of what they are.”