Page 73 of Oathbreaker

“It still feels like shit.”

“I just wish you’d trusted us.”

“It wasn’t about trust,” I respond, lifting my drink and guzzling what’s left. Almost like magic, another appears, and I nod at Aspen before turning back to Banks. “If Dash knew what I was going to do, he would have followed me—and I couldn’t allow it. Someone had to stay back, take care of Briar.”

Banks’s eyes darken. “The rest of us never would have let anything happen to her! We would have taken care of her.”

“Yeah, but how would she have dealt with losing both of us? The man she was in love with and her brother? I knew the danger—at that point in my life, I craved it as much as I craved her. But I knew I would never be able to settle down if I didn’t go out there and…do it. Save the world or whatever the fuck I thought I needed to do.”

“It didn’t occur to you that Briar would still be devastated by losing you?”

“Of course it did. That’s the part that’s hard to explain to her. But Dash kept her on such a tight leash, by the time I got my head out of my ass and figured out that I was legit falling in love with her, I’d already signed. I couldn’t back out. I wrote letters while I was in training. A whole fucking year of letters… that those fuckers never sent.”

Banks scowls.

“They were full of apologies to you guys and promises to Briar. All the ways I would make it up to her once I got through training. I guess in my head I compartmentalized…like, compared it to being in the military. Go to Russia, catch a bad guy, come home to my wife and family. Individual missions. They explained what it would be like, but I thought I knew better, that I could handle it, no matter what they said. Then my first mission went straight to hell in a hand basket. And now…” I down my third drink.

“You might want to slow down,” Banks says dryly. “I really don’t want to have to carry you home.”

I chuckle. “I’ll be fine. And I really need a numbing agent right now.”

“Must’ve been a doozy with Briar.”

“Yeah.” I absently drum my fingers on the bar. “She doesn’t want me.”

“You still have feelings for her?”

I turn to him, squinting slightly. “Loving her is the only reason I’m still alive.”

Banks is quiet. Watching my face. Waiting for me to continue.

But there’s nothing else to say.

I love her. She doesn’t love me back anymore. She’s in love with some fucking douchebag hockey player who’ll never love her as much as I do. He might treat her better, but no one will ever love Briar the way I do. It’s simply not possible.

My silence must reflect something about my state of mind because Banks finally cocks his head.

“So, what are you going to do? Are you staying or leaving again?”

“I’m not leaving my kid,” I say firmly. “I’ve missed too much already. I just don’t know if I can watch Briar with West. That’s a knife to my heart every fucking time I see them together.”

He frowns. “You know they…broke up, right?”

My head snaps to the side. “What are you talking about? She came home from her date and told me I was fucking up her relationship, her life. Then she told me I had a week to find another place to live. Normally, she backpedals after we calm down, but she didn’t. Not this time.”

Banks glances at me, squinting. “So… you packed your duffel and just walked out?”

“I couldn’t stay in the house with her that mad. I was bound to say or do something dumb. It was easier to just leave. I can get a hotel.”

“No way.” He shakes his head. “You’ll come home with us. Mrs. X will love having another lost soul to mother. Or grandmother as the case may be.”

But I’m not really listening.

I’m still focused on what he said a minute ago.

“How do you know they broke up?” I ask.

“Because we have a group text thread on the team and he sent out an SOS about an hour ago wanting to know if anyone wanted to go get wasted with him. Someone asked if Briar finally wised up and dumped him and he responded with ‘the details don’t matter. I just can’t compete with a dead man.’” He’s reading off his phone and despite the alcohol swimming in my system and the buzz making it hard to concentrate, now I understand.