Page 123 of Oathbreaker

The last letter.

Some many of them, so many thoughts about me and hopes for the future and wishes for things to be different.

And—

Being a soldier is the only thing I know how to be.

At least if I’m here, I know we’re doing real work that’s going to make a difference.

It’s…fuck, but it’s all I know how to do.

Perfume on a pillow. Dreaming about me. Stealing my cookies. Thinking about my smile and our time together.

It’s all laid out there in black and white—why he felt like he had to leave, him thinking that doing that work is the only way he brings value.

And…

My sob is so strong it actually hurts.

Because I hate that he thinks that and I hate…that I was so scared of being left again of being hurt I pushed him away instead of stopping and realizing that the man I love is one who takes care of people, who’s strong and determined to right the world’s wrongs.

If I can’t accept that about him then how can I truly say I do love him?

He’s taken me as I come.

He’s loved all the parts of me.

How can I not do the same for him?

But how can I accept that him being the man he is may mean that he’ll leave us again and again and again?

I don’t know.

I just…know I have to figure out a way.

I’m still no closer to an answer when Sunday dinner rolls around the next day.

I’m just gritting my teeth and forcing myself to believe I will find a way.

Banks is on the road, so he won’t be here. But everyone else will be, including Lily, who’s jetted over from a tour stop in Mexico.

I need to tell them what’s happening.

Ask them to help me deal.

Because I’m done hiding from my family.

And I won’t allow myself to push Colt away, even though I’m scared.

Now, if he would just make it home safe and sound so I could tell him that in person…

My eyes burn, but I just blink rapidly and put the roast into the oven, turn my focus to the mashed sweet potatoes and the salad I’m making to accompany it.

“Briar!” Dash calls. “We’re here.”

“And by we,” Lily shouts, “he means all of us are about to invade.”

I turn to see the all of us she’s talking about and feel my lungs get tight as I see Frankie and Royal and Jade (they were on favorite aunt and uncle babysitting duties since I was “sick” the last two nights—a good thing considering my Sob Fest the previous evening). Atlas and Lily are on their heels, Atlas carrying Maisie in her car seat. Aspen and Willow are side by side, Dash trailing them, the diaper bag over his shoulder.