Page 42 of Notice Me, Jameson Hart
when the sun goes down
N obody has said a word since we left the marina. The silence is so intense, so exhausting, that my head is ready to explode.
Dad keeps his eyes locked on the road, his hands turning the steering wheel methodically. Rita’s hand rests on my left knee, and Adam’s hand rests on my right. They’re small anchors in this storm of intense awkwardness.
The van hits a pothole, and we all bounce slightly. Still, nobody speaks.
My phone buzzes in my pocket—probably Jameson asking if I’m okay—but I can’t bring myself to check.
We pull up to Rita’s house first. The porch light flickers on as if her mom’s been waiting for us. Rita gathers her things slowly, clearly reluctant to leave me, despite everything.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper to her as she unbuckles her seatbelt. “I’m so, so?—”
She grips my face between her hands, forcing me to meet her eyes. “Kevin Pryor, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Nothing. We’re still friends, and I’ll text you tomorrow.” Her voice is fierce, protective. “This isn’t your fault.”
But it feels like it is.
Rita releases my face and climbs out of the van. She pauses at her front door, glancing back once before disappearing inside.
Dad pulls away from the curb, and the silence rushes back in to fill the space Rita left behind.
The rest of the drive takes approximately seventeen years.
When we finally pull into our driveway, Robbie’s out of the van before Dad even puts it in park.
He storms into the house, his shoulders rigid with anger.
I catch up to Robbie in the foyer, where he’s kicking off his flip-flops with unnecessary violence. One flies into the wall with a thud. The other soars into the living room, smacking the back of the couch.
“Robbie, can we talk?” I ask.
“No.” He doesn’t even look at me.
“Please. I know you’re upset.”
“I said no, Kevin.” He heads toward the stairs.
Something snaps inside me. All the disappointment, all the ruined joy of finally being with Jameson—all of it boils over.
“This was supposed to be a happy day for me!” The words explode out of my mouth, louder than I’ve ever thought was possible.
“Do you get that? For once in my life, something good happened to me—no, something amazing—and you ruined it!”
Robbie freezes on the sixth step and slowly turns around. His face is flushed, eyes blazing.
“Are you seriously making this about you right now?”
“Yes!” I’m shaking now, but I can’t stop.
“Yes, I am! Because for once, just once, I wanted something to be about me. Not about you or Adam or football or any of it. Just me and the fact that Jameson Hart wants to be with me. But you couldn’t let me have that, could you?
You had to throw your tantrum and make everything about how you were betrayed. ”
“A tantrum ?” Robbie thunders down the stairs, and we’re face-to-face now. “You and Adam have been lying to me for months, and you think I threw a tantrum ?”
“You did! You turned what should have been a celebration into a disaster. And yeah, maybe Adam should have told you sooner, but that wasn’t the time or place to blow up about it.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” His voice drips with sarcasm. “I didn’t realize I was supposed to check your social calendar before having emotions about my family falling apart.”
“That’s not what I?—”
“You know what your problem is, Kevin?” Robbie cuts me off with words sharp as glass.
“You think the world revolves around you. You think you’re the main character in some Broadway show, and the rest of us are here to support your big moments.
But news flash—in the real world, you’re nothing but a supporting character to everyone else. ”
The words hit me harder than a physical blow ever could. I take a step back, my vision blurring.
“Robbie!” Adam’s voice booms. I didn’t even hear him come in. “That’s a low blow, and you know it.”
Robbie’s face shifts from anger to regret as he reflects on what he said.
“Kevin, I—” He runs his hands through his hair. “Shit. I didn’t mean that.”
“Yes, you did.” My voice is steady, even though I’m breaking apart inside. “And maybe you’re right. Maybe I am nothing more than a supporting character. But even supporting characters deserve to have their moments without someone else stealing the spotlight.”
Robbie’s shoulders sag. “I’m happy for you and Jameson.
” He gestures helplessly. “It’s just—everything is changing, and I can’t handle it right now.
I need some space.” He rushes up the stairs.
When he reaches our bedroom door, he pauses.
“Find somewhere else to sleep tonight.” Then he goes inside and shuts the door.
The click of the lock engaging sounds impossibly loud.
I stand there staring at the closed door, feeling more alone than I have in my entire life. My brother—the one who’s shared a room with me since birth—has literally locked me out.
“Hey.” Adam says. “You can crash with me tonight.”
I nod, unable to speak.
“You’re nobody’s supporting character.” He wraps his arms around me. “Not to me. Not to Jameson. And deep down, not to Robbie either. He’s hurting and taking it out on the wrong person.”
We head to Adam’s room, and I collapse onto his bed while he grabs extra pillows from the closet. My phone buzzes again, but I still can’t bring myself to look.
“You want to talk about it?” Adam asks, settling into his desk chair.
“What’s there to talk about? Robbie’s right. I do live in my head most of the time. I do think everything’s a musical waiting to happen.”
“So? That’s what makes you you.” Adam spins slightly in his chair. “And that’s not a bad thing, Kevin. It’s pretty amazing. You see beauty where others see ordinary life. You feel deeply. You care.”
“A lot of good that does me.”
“It does more good than you realize.” He pauses. “You know why I even thought about Stanford in the first place?”
I shake my head.
“Because you had the guts to perform on stage. It didn’t matter if you were a spatula or a tree swaying in the background.
You put yourself out there repeatedly, risking rejection for the chance at something you love.
You inspired me to think bigger than just following the expected path.
And sure, things are messy right now. But messy doesn’t mean wrong.
” Adam grabs a blanket and tosses it to me.
“Robbie will come around. He just needs time to process. You know how he is. He has only one level—intense.”
I wrap myself in the blanket, exhausted. “I wanted today to be perfect.”
“Perfect’s overrated,” Adam says. “Real is better. Because it includes the complicated stuff—the fights, the hurt feelings, the locked doors. But it also includes brothers who love each other enough to work through it.”
My phone buzzes again, and this time, Adam notices.
“That’s three times,” he observes. “Answer him. He’s probably worried.”
I finally pull out my phone. Three texts from Jameson, each one more concerned than the last. “I don’t know what to say to him.”
“Try the truth. That’s usually a good place to start.”
Adam busies himself with getting ready for bed while I stare at my phone, trying to figure out how to explain that the best day of my life has turned into one of the worst. That my brother thinks I’m a self-centered drama queen. That I’m locked out of my bedroom.
But Adam’s right. The truth—messy and complicated as it is—is all I have.
Me
I’m so sorry about what happened on the boat. Robbie was way out of line.
Jameson
Don’t apologize for him. Are YOU okay???
Me
I will be. Your uncle probably hates us now. We ruined his boat trip.
Jameson
Uncle Damien? Are you kidding? He said it reminded him of when he and my dad were younger.
Me
Really?
Jameson
He asked if you guys want to come out again next weekend. Though maybe we’ll skip the family drama next time?
A tiny chuckle escapes me. I know it’s wrong to laugh, but it feels good. Like it’s the universe’s way of telling me that, in time, everything will be okay.
Me
What about Ethan? Does he think my family is completely insane?
Jameson
Ethan wants to know when you’re coming to the next practice. He wants to show you his new sketchbook. Kid thinks you’re the coolest.
Me
Even after witnessing that disaster?
Jameson
ESPECIALLY after that. He said, and I quote, “At least Kevin’s family shows actual emotions instead of pretending everything’s fine all the time.”
I stare at that text as something loosens in my chest. Then I type the question that’s been eating at me since we left the marina.
Me
Do you still want to be my boyfriend after seeing all of that?
The typing dots appear and disappear several times. My heart pounds as I wait.
Jameson
Kevin, yes. I still want to be your boyfriend. One family fight doesn’t change how I feel about you.
Me
But Robbie was furious. He even said he doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore.
I yelled at him when we got home. Now he’s locked me out of our room.
Jameson
When I tried to keep Ethan from finding out our parents were getting divorced, I thought I was protecting him. We share a room, too, and he built a literal wall of pillows down the middle.
Me
How did things get better?
Jameson
Time. And a lot of honest conversations. Brothers fight, Kevin. Especially when big changes happen.
It’s like you’ve been moving in sync for so long, and suddenly someone changes the rhythm. It takes time to find the new beat.
Me
Robbie said I think I’m the main character in a Broadway show.
Jameson
So what if you do? That’s one of my favorite things about you. You see life as beautiful and dramatic. Something worth celebrating. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about that.
Me
You have favorite things about me?
Jameson
So many. Want to hear some?
Me
Maybe?
Jameson
The way you get lost in your head during boring moments.
The fact that you take the time to talk to Ethan.
How even when you try to hide in the shadows, the spotlight finds you anyway.
The face you made when you were enjoying the best tacos known to mankind.
You love to read and have the most amazing recommendations.
Me
You noticed me hiding in the shadows?
Jameson
I notice everything about you, Kevin.
My eyes blur, and I have to blink several times to keep the tears from falling.
Me
I don’t deserve you.
Jameson
Stop that. You’ve always deserved someone who sees how special you are. I’m just incredibly lucky to be that person.
Me
I’m crying now. Thanks for that.
Jameson
Good tears or bad tears?
Me
I don’t know. Both? It’s all too much right now.
Jameson
That’s okay. Let the emotions out. I’ll still be here tomorrow.
Me
Promise?
Jameson
Promise. Get some sleep, okay? Things will be better in the morning.
Me
Okay. Goodnight, Jameson.
Jameson
Goodnight, Kevin. Sweet dreams.
I stare at those last two words until my vision blurs completely.
The tears come then, hot and silent, soaking into Adam’s spare pillow.
Everything from today crashes over me—the joy of Jameson asking me to be his boyfriend, the shock of Robbie’s anger, the hurt of his words, the fear that everything’s falling apart.
The bed dips as Adam sits beside me. Without a word, he wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me against his side. I turn into him, sobbing into his shirt like I’m seven years old again and scared of thunderstorms.
“I’ve got you,” Adam murmurs, his hand rubbing circles on my back. “Let it out.”
“Robbie hates me, and you’re leaving, and I don’t know how to fix any of it.”
“Robbie doesn’t hate you. He’s hurt and confused and taking it out on the safest target—you. Because deep down, he knows you’ll forgive him.”
“What if I don’t want to forgive him?”
“Then don’t. At least not right away. You’re allowed to be angry, too, Kev.”
Adam holds me until I cry myself empty. His shirt is soaked by the time my sobs fade to hiccups, but he doesn’t complain. He keeps rubbing my back and being the big brother I need right now.
“You know what’s funny?” I say, my voice now hoarse. “This morning, I was worried about what to wear on the boat. So stupid now.”
“Not stupid. Just…before. This is after. Things change.”
“I don’t like change.”
“Nobody does. But it happens anyway.” Adam shifts back to look at me. “Remember when we were ten and Dad told us he was going to try dating again? Robbie threw that massive fit, said we didn’t need another person in our family?”
I nod, remembering Robbie’s epic meltdown that included throwing mashed potatoes at the wall.
“But look at us now. Dad has Diana, though she’s not around as much as he probably prefers her to be. Change isn’t always bad, Kevin. Sometimes it’s simply different.”
“This is bad, though.”
“Right now, yeah. But maybe tomorrow it’ll be less bad. And the day after that, even less. That’s how healing works—in small increments.”
I wipe my nose on my sleeve, too exhausted to care about being gross. “Who knew you were so smart?”
Adam laughs and ruffles my hair. “Come on, let’s get you properly settled. You’re about to pass out.”
He helps me get situated in his bed, adjusting pillows and making sure I have enough blanket. He grabs a sleeping bag from his closet for himself.
“You don’t have to sleep on the floor,” I tell him.
“You need the bed more than I do tonight.” He spreads out the sleeping bag. “Besides, it’ll be like when we used to camp in the backyard. Remember?”
“I remember you always told ghost stories that made me too scared to go back inside to pee.”
“I walked you to the bathroom, held your little hand, and pretended to stand guard.” Adam smiles at the memory. “Some things don’t change, Kev. I’ll always be your big brother. Even from California.”
“Don’t make me cry again. I’m dehydrated.”
Adam tosses me a water bottle from his mini-fridge. “Drink that before you fall asleep. And Kevin? You’re going to be okay. We all are. It just might take some time to get there.”
I nod, clutching the water bottle hard enough for it to make that crinkling sound. The room falls quiet except for the hum of Adam’s fan and the distant sound of music from Robbie’s room. He’s probably gaming with his headset on, something he does when he needs to think.
I close my eyes and let exhaustion pull me under, Adam’s presence a steady comfort in the darkness.