Page 18

Danny: You seriously have no plans to see the guy again? After he blew your mind with middle of the night sex?? Girl, you’re crazy.

Harlow: I already told you—I cannot afford to go jet-setting around the US and besides. It sounds like he spends a lot of time with his parents in Ohio ...

Ava: Ohio? Yikessss . . .

Harlow: What’s wrong with Ohio?

Ava: What’s Not wrong with Ohio.

Harlow: Have you even ever been there?

Ava: That would be a no from me.

Harlow: Then don’t judge. Besides, I have a feeling it’s a lot like Green Bay, and there’s nothing here, either. If you don’t count cornfields.

Danny: Ew, corn.

Harlow: You can’t just come at us with EW, Corn .

Portia: I leave to go to the bathroom for One second, and I come back to thirty messages blowing up my phone. What are y’all even talking about?

Danny: Boys.

Portia: What about them?

Danny: Girl, scroll up.

Harlow: They were asking if I was going to see Andy again, and I said no, it was too far. He lives in Seattle.

Portia: Yeah, no. Too far, you’re not Taylor Swift, you cannot go jet-setting around the country for a man if he can’t come to you.

Harlow: That’s What i Said ! Literally.

Danny: I would buy a ticket to the freaking Moon , honey, if it meant good sex.

Ava: That surprises no one.

Harlow: Can we please stop talking about what I’m doing, and can everybody just tell me what they’re doing? It’s stressing me out having everyone talk about my love life lol.

Danny: I’m over here doing no one.

Portia: Yeah, same. Although someone from the condom company who wants to put sponsored ads within the app asked me if she could call me sometime this week ...

Danny: What ?! When were you going to tell us this?

Portia: I’m telling y’all now. I wasn’t sure if it was professional or not to date someone who is planning on paying us for a service.

Ava: I mean—we should probably have a policy about that at some point, but for now, we want to know every sordid detail.

Portia: I’m not really all that interested, but I do appreciate the fact that she put herself out there. So we’ll see.

Harlow: Fair enough.

Portia: I don’t know, she wears a lot of plaid? Who wears plaid in the summer?

Danny: Good point, but who wears plaid, period?

Harlow: I love plaid!!!!!!

Danny: Yeah, we know. But wearing plaid in winter does seem like something you would do. Be honest. Did your grandma have one of those basements with plaid carpet and a tiki bar?

Harlow: No, but I’m sure one of her friends did.

Ava: If that isn’t the most midwestern thing you’ve ever heard of, or is it just a Nana thing?

Harlow: I’d say it’s a midwestern thing, but primarily they did the plaid carpet in the 60s. It was rad back in the day.

Portia: I personally love that look. Vintage is so hot right now.

Danny: Speaking of hot, back to Portia and her dating dilemma ...

Portia: It’s not a dilemma. She only wanted to know if she could call me, and if anything, it’ll probably only lead to phone sex and nothing more. She’s in Chicago.

Ava: Ugh, that sucks.

Danny: Totally. At least she’s not a Finance Bro hitting you up on Grindr. Fuck my life.

Ava: We don’t have finance bros here, unless you’re talking about the guys who work at the Bank .

Portia: ^^^ Facts.

Harlow: What’s a Finance Bro???

Danny: OMG, Harlow, I should have known you were going to ask that.

Danny: An overly douchey guy who works in the finance district and reeks of male privilege. See: hedge fund manager

Ava: Typically owns a BMW or other foreign douchey car, but almost always takes an Uber to the bar and always wants to talk about money and other finance garbage.

Danny: Finance bro = small wiener

Portia: ROTFL I am living for this conversation ...

Ava: I just spit water out at my desk, you asshole. If I had a desk.

Harlow: Wow. And you find these guys on Grindr?

Danny: Uh, yeah. Where have you been?

Harlow: I learn something new every day. It’s not my fault I live in a bubble with my head up my ass.

Danny: No worries, babe. I’ll make sure to point one out next time we’re out, they’re popping up everywhere. They travel in packs for happy hour.

Ava: Usually wearing some kind of chino (navy), and a polo or button-down, often with a sweater draped over their shoulder ala: early 90s chick flick.

Danny: Shit. Not to change the subject but Next Month is my Birthday .

Harlow: I can’t wait.

Danny: Don’t worry, this is your official warning. I usually make sure everyone knows. Lol. I don’t just celebrate a birthday, honey, I celebrate the whole. Damn. Month!

Ava: We Know . You have reminded us every day this week.

Portia: I can hear you clapping from here.

Danny: I’m working on a date, so we need to get this app Live, Honey !!!!

Ava: Give us time, Honey . It’s not ready yet!!!!!

Harlow: Speaking of dating apps, my father just downloaded one ...

Portia: Shut up. Seriously?

Harlow: Yes, seriously, and I helped him set it up, and let me tell you, catfishing knows No age.

Portia: What does that mean, catfishing knows no age?

Harlow: He wanted to change his age at first. He wanted to change his age to 46 but I refused to let him.

Ava: Good God.

Portia: No offense, but can you imagine thinking you’re going on a date with someone in their 40s, but they’re actually closer to 60?

Harlow: No, I can’t imagine, which is why he was so bent out of shape when I told him he couldn’t do it. I mean honestly, as someone who created an app, I can’t have my own Father on one lying to women before he even matches with one. **bangs head on desk**

Danny: Pro Tip: My dad meets all his girlfriends at the golf course—that’s the new hot spot for older singles.

Ava: Really?

Danny: Facts. Dad says that single women hang out at the bar in the clubhouse, and the old geezers swarm like flies.

Ava: Gimme some of that country club money, please.

Danny: That dude gets laid more times than the four of us combined.

Portia: I don’t even want to think about old people getting laid ...

Harlow: 58 is not that old, you guys. Wait until that’s us.

Portia: I don’t want that to be us! I want to find someone to sit home with in cute sweatpants and play with my hair and feed me ice cream.

Harlow: For real? You seem okay being single.

Portia: It’s all an act LOL.

Harlow: I thought I was okay being single ...

Danny: But thennnn

Ava: You thought you were okay being single but then ... you met Andy ???

Harlow: Andy is not an option because he is in Seattle. But yes. Now I want to mingle.

Danny: Amen. A. Men .

Danny: See what I did there?

Portia: Yes, Danny, we see what you did there ...

Ava: Well, girly girls—I have to get back to work, meeting with the engineer that set up the back matter for credit card application. But, Harlow, keep us posted, yeah? If you hear from Andy, we want to be the first to know.

Harlow: I solemnly swear that I will keep you in the loop.

Danny: We also want you to solemnly swear that you’re up to no good.

Harlow: Ha. One thing at a time.

Danny: And also: add my birthday to your calendar.