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L ivvy sat in her room, her phone clutched in her hand and her breath coming in short, ragged gasps. This was Jake , she told herself. The man who’d taken a huge chance and told Liv he loved her. He wouldn’t have gotten over her in less than a week. Wouldn’t have put her out of his mind and moved on with someone else. Jake wasn’t the kind of guy to move on so quickly.

What he was probably doing was working twenty hours a day, then falling into bed. Using his job to keep the ghosts away. She wondered if it was working for him. Because filling every hour of every day with activities wasn’t doing it for her.

She stared at her phone, wondering if she should call him to let him know she was coming to D.C. After thinking about it for way too long, she decided not to call. Too easy for him to tell her, ‘Don’t come. I won’t be here’, then take off himself.

She wouldn’t blame him if he did. Saying that to her wasn’t as bad as what she’d done, walking away after he told her he loved her. But she didn’t want to give Jake the chance to disappear.

So instead of calling him, she called the airline she’d used last time she went to D.C. There were no direct flights to Washington D.C. that evening, but there was a red-eye through Chicago that would get her there early the next morning. So she booked a seat on that plane. After she threw her kit bag and a few changes of clothing into her travel backpack, she headed out to the garage and got in her car. Drove to the Helena airport.

As she drove, she tried to figure out what to say to Jake.

What could she say? ‘I was a jerk?’ That would work. ‘I’m an idiot?’ That would work, too. Both were true, and Jake deserved to hear both of them. But maybe she needed to start with the most important – ‘I love you, Jake.’

The problem was, after the way she’d acted in the Brooklyn hotel, and when they’d returned to Washington, she wouldn’t blame Jake at all if he didn’t believe her. Didn’t want anything to do with her. She’d been incredibly cruel to him. And thoughtless on top of cruel.

She finally fell asleep on the plane from Chicago, only waking when the plane landed at Reagan with a hard thump.

She shuffled off the plane with the rest of the passengers, then went directly to one of the rental car companies. Since she wasn’t picky about what she rented, as long as it had four wheels and an engine, she was on her way in less than thirty minutes. She didn’t need to map the route to Jake’s apartment -- it had been little more than a week since she’d been here.

As she drove into the parking lot closest to Jake’s building, she searched for his car. When she didn’t see it, she gripped the steering wheel tightly. Was Jake gone? On a job? Or on a trip? Maybe she should have called him.

Finally she spotted his car, parked far away from the door to his building. She parked close to it, then grabbed her suitcase and briefcase from the trunk before hurrying to the door of Jake’s building.

Just as she entered the lobby, a woman exited the apartment. Livvy leaped and grabbed the door before it clicked close, then she got on the elevator. Got off on Jake’s floor, then walked slowly to his door.

She stood there for a long time. What if he wasn’t home? What if he had… company? Oh, God, that would be so mortifying. So awful. It would break her heart.

Finally she got up the nerve to knock on his door. She heard footsteps from inside his apartment, and finally the door opened. Jake said, “I told you I’m not…” He stopped, staring at her. “What are you doing here?”

There was no welcome in his cold voice. Livvy swallowed hard. Looked up and down the hall. She really didn’t want to have this conversation where anyone could overhear her. Given it was early morning, people could and probably would walk down the hall to catch the elevator. An audience was the last thing she needed. Or wanted.

Jake stared at her for a long moment, his face unreadable. “May I come in?” she finally asked. When he didn’t respond, fearing he was going to say no, she took a step closer. “Please, Jake. I don’t want to have this conversation in public.”

The silence stretched too long, and she was sure he’d say no. If he did, she’d wait at his car until he emerged. He may not want to hear what she had to say, but she needed to say it.

Finally, after a too-long hesitation, he stepped to the side and she walked into his entrance hall.

He didn’t invite her further into his apartment. They stood awkwardly in the narrow hallway, and Jake was careful to keep a good distance between them. Probably so she couldn’t touch him, and the thought made her chest ache as if someone had kicked it.

Finally, when the door was closed and he was standing far enough away that there would be no accidental touches, he said, “What are you doing here, Williams?”

God, not even an Olivia. She drew in a trembling breath.

He’d never called her Williams before, and her heart twisted in her chest. ‘Williams’ was even more impersonal than Olivia. She didn’t realize how long she’d been staring at him without speaking until he said, “What?” He nodded at her suitcase and briefcase. “You planning a long stay? Have a job in D.C.? You want to stay in my extra bedroom? Save a little money on a motel?”

“No,” she said, appalled. “God, no. I wouldn’t do that to you.” Why the hell had she brought her luggage up to his apartment? Because her subconscious mind had hoped he’d ask her to stay. God, what a fool she’d been.

“Really?” He raised one eyebrow. “You have lines you wouldn’t cross?”

Oh, God, Jake was really angry. She drew in a deep breath. How could she blame him? He’d offered her his heart, and she’d crushed it beneath her heel.

“I came here to see you,” she said. “I’m glad I caught you before you left for work.”

“I was just going out the door when you knocked. Can this wait?”

From the way he was looking at her, she figured he meant ‘can this wait until hell freezes over’?

She didn’t want to wait. She wanted Jake to wrap his arms around her and tell her again that he loved her. She wanted to kiss him and say those words back to him. But Jake was in charge here, and he didn’t look like he’d welcome her big reveal. Not now, maybe not ever.

Her eyes burned, and she struggled not to let the tears fall. “Sure. What time will you be home tonight?”

“No idea. I have an appointment late this afternoon. Don’t know how long it’ll last.”

She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Why don’t you give me a call when you get home and are ready to see me.”

He stared at her hard for a long moment. “Not sure I’m ever gonna be ready to see you, Williams.”

Her mouth tightened and she clamped her teeth together to hold back the cry of despair in her throat. “I’ll be waiting here when you get back. You can walk past me and close the door in my face, but I’ll just be here when you leave tomorrow morning.”

“Fine,” he said, but his voice was strained. “I’ll see you after work.”

“I’ll be here.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go.” He opened the door. She was barely past the threshold when it closed hard behind her.

She turned to stare at the door and it was still vibrating in the frame. Should she wait for him to come out? Walk to the car with him?

No. That would only make him angrier. She’d come back tonight to talk to him.

She walked back to her car and climbed in, then sat there, hunched in the seat, watching for Jake to come out of his building. When she realized her gaze was laser focused on the door, she rolled her eyes at herself. What was she, in junior high?

He finally emerged after ten minutes or so and walked directly to his car. He didn’t search the parking lot, looking for an unfamiliar car. He didn’t peer into the cars that were there, looking for her. Based on the way he strode to his car without hesitating or looking around, she realized he really didn’t care that she’d come to Washington.

She wanted to cry, but she fought the tears that wanted to fall. Tears never solved anything. It might feel good to release all that emotion, but it would just leave her drained. Exhausted. And vulnerable.

Vulnerable was the last thing she ever wanted to be. After seeing her mother fall apart when a relationship ended, Livvy had vowed she’d never be that woman. Never let a man control her emotions. As a result, she’d spent her adult life not being vulnerable to anyone or anything. It had worked just fine for her. Until Jake.

She swallowed hard as she realized that coming to Jake, telling him she loved him and asking him to forgive her, would put her completely at his mercy. Make her completely vulnerable to him. He might forgive her, but he could just as easily tell her to get lost. Tell her she’d had her chance and had thrown it away. She’d tossed his love back in his face like it wasn’t good enough for her.

For a moment, she wanted to start the car, pull out of this parking lot and drive back to the airport. Get on the next plane to Helena and put Jake in her rear-view mirror.

Damn it, she wasn’t going to do that. Wasn’t going to live down to Jake’s expectations. If she wanted a relationship with him, a real one that would last, she couldn’t run away again. If she did that, Jake would never speak to her again. And he’d be right to cut her out of his life.

What was she going to do until Jake came home? Sitting in this car and staring at his building would be totally boring and wasn’t going to make her feel any better. Neither was driving around the district and looking at the sights. She’d seen everything she wanted to see when she worked here.

Maybe she should start with breakfast. All she’d eaten this morning was a small packet of snack mix on the plane. And she hadn’t even finished that. She’d been so nervous about facing Jake that she’d only managed to eat half the small bag. So she put her car in gear and headed for her favorite breakfast place in the city.

An hour later, full of pancakes, bacon and coffee, she felt much better. As she walked back to her car, she thought about what she should do with the rest of the day. As she slid behind the steering wheel, she decided she’d go talk to Diana. See if it would be possible for her to get her old job back.

The thought made her heart ache. She loved working for Blackhawk Security. Loved everything about her job and her co-workers. But she needed something to show Jake that she was serious about him. Serious about committing to him. And getting her job back was a good place to start.

She sat in her car for a long time, gathering her nerve. She didn’t want to go back to the FBI, but she would if there was no alternative. And she figured it was a good gesture. It’d let Jake know she was serious about him.

So she pulled out her phone and called Diana’s office. Diana’s secretary answered and said, “Director Redfield’s office. How may I help you?”

“Does the director have any appointments available this morning?” Olivia asked. “This is Olivia Williams. I’d like to meet with her.”

“Let me ask the Director,” her receptionist said. She clicked the phone, and it began playing elevator music. Less than a minute later, Diana came on the line.

“Olivia,” Diana said. “Rosie said you wanted to meet with me. I’ll be happy to see you. Would ten o’clock work for you?”

“That would be great, Madame Director.”

“Wonderful. I’ll see you then,” she said.

Before she could hang up, Olivia said, “Please don’t tell Jake we’re meeting. Okay?”

Diana hesitated for a moment. Then she said, “I wouldn’t discuss my appointments with anyone, including Jake. I’ll see you at ten, Olivia.”

She disconnected the phone, and Livvy took a deep breath. Closed her eyes until the butterflies stopped flapping in her stomach, then started her car and headed for FBI Headquarters.

At 9:55, she sat in a chair in the reception area, paging mindlessly through a magazine. She wouldn’t be able to tell anyone the name of the magazine or any details about the articles. But it made her feel less pitiful as she sat and waited for Diana to see her.

Finally, several minutes after ten, the receptionist said, “You can go back now, Ms. Williams.”

Livvy replaced the magazine in the rack and walked to the door of Diana’s office. Knocked once, then opened the door.

“Livvy,” Diana said, standing up. “Good to see you. Come sit down and tell me what I can do for you.”

Livvy slid into one of the visitor chairs on the other side of Diana’s desk and slid her hands beneath her thighs. “It’s good to see you, too, ma’am. I was wondering how complicated it would be to get my job with the Bureau back.”

Diana leaned back in her chair. “Do you want your job back, Livvy?”

Livvy forced herself to hold Diana’s gaze. “I might. I’m here to patch things up with Jake. If it works out, I’ll likely be moving back to D.C.”

“And if you do, you’ll need a job.”

Livvy nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

“What about your job with Blackhawk Security?”

Livvy cleared her throat. “I haven’t talked to them yet.” She drew in a shuddering breath. “No point until I see how things go with Jake.”

Diana raised one eyebrow. “But you came to me to ask for your job back.”

Livvy nodded. “Yes. I thought it would be easier to ask in person as long as I’m in D.C. anyway.” She shrugged. “If it doesn’t go well with Jake, all I’ve lost is the time spent with you. It’s always a pleasure to see you, ma’am,” she hurried to add. “But everything’s up in the air right now.”

Diana studied her for a long moment. “I understand, Olivia. And I would certainly give you your job back if you moved back to D.C. I’m assuming that’s what you needed to know.”

Livvy let her shoulders drop. Took a deep breath. “Yes, ma’am. That’s what I need to know.”

“Good luck with Jake,” Diana said. “I hope your meeting goes well.”

“Thank you, ma’am. And again, please don’t tell him we met today. If we can’t work things out, there’s no point in him knowing.” She shrugged. “If it does work out? I’ll tell him myself.”

Diana’s eyes softened. “I sincerely hope you can work things out, Olivia. Good luck.”

“Thank you, ma’am. And thanks for taking the time to talk to me.”

“Anytime, Olivia,” the Director said.

Livvy pushed back the chair and reached across the desk to shake Diana’s hand. “Thank you again, ma’am.”

“You’re very welcome,” Diana said.

Livvy walked to the door. Just before she pulled it open, Diana said, “Good luck, Livvy.”

Livvy looked over her shoulder. “Thank you, ma’am. Very much.”

She slipped out the door and blew out a breath. Then she squared her shoulders, stepped out of the office and headed for the nearest elevator. The last thing she wanted was to run into Jake in the building.

Once out of the FBI parking lot, Livvy drove toward Jake’s building, anxiety ratcheting tighter the closer she got. Would Jake be home? Would he be willing to talk to her? She had no idea. All she could do was knock on his door and say what she’d come to say. After that, the ball was in Jake’s court.

By the time she pulled into the parking lot of Jake’s building, her heart was a hard drumbeat battering against her chest. As she looked around for Jake’s car, her heart rate quickened and she pressed her hand against it. It pounded against her palm in a rapid rhythm, both too hard and not hard enough to make up for what she’d done to Jake.

She scanned the parking lot again, but didn’t see Jake’s car. That was okay. She’d wait. She swung out of the car, leaving her suitcase and briefcase in the trunk, then headed for the door.

When she walked into the small vestibule of his building, the access door was locked. So she pulled out her phone and pretended to be looking up someone’s number. After about ten minutes, someone entered behind her, and Livvy followed her into the building. Got into the elevator and got off at Jake’s floor. There was no one in the hall, and she didn’t hear any noise coming from any of the nearby units. She knocked on Jake’s door, not expecting him to answer. But after a few minutes, he yanked open the door. Studied her for what felt like a long time. Finally, he opened the door more widely and stepped to the side. She walked in, then turned to face him.