Page 75 of Never Tear Us Apart

Chapter Seventy-Two

Christina insists we go to the medical room after Danny returns to base.

She says it would be better to keep to her routine, and today is the day she volunteers.

After all, she says, he’s only missing. He’s been missing before, and he’s always turned up.

Once we are there, I telephone Mabel, who tells me to stay with her.

My article is going to print in today’s edition.

Now we sit in the waiting room silently, side by side rolling clean bandages. David is drawing, Eugenie plays with a rattle in her pram.

‘I mean, after all, he’s only missing,’ Christina says again, as if we are mid-conversation.

‘He’s been missing before and turned up with a story of some ridiculous adventure.

’ She forces a smile. ‘I’m sure he’ll be back with some Cuban cigars or treasure from Tutankhamun’s tomb.

You know what he’s like. So I shan’t cry or mourn him.

Not until they have his body. Of that I am quite determined. ’

‘What can I do to help?’ I ask.

‘Oh, you know me, dear,’ Christina says, a tremble in her voice. ‘I’m a tough old boot. He’ll turn up like a bad penny.’ She grasps my hand. ‘He will, won’t he, Maia? Tell me he will.’

‘If anyone can, it’s Warby,’ I tell her.

‘I didn’t mean to fall in love with him, you know,’ Christina says, standing up abruptly.

‘Of course, he is terribly handsome, like a Greek god. But so damned annoying. So very arrogant and foolhardy. And married! Even if she did leave him after a year. Don’t fall in love with that one, I told myself. He will drive you to distraction.’

Helplessly, I watch as she paces back and forth, wringing her hands.

‘But the trouble is: he makes me laugh so much, Maia. We just get along so terribly well. It was impossible in the end not to lose my heart to him. Oh, I knew we’d never have a conventional life, marriage and children.

I didn’t expect that our affair would last after the end of the war.

But . . . I do love him. I do love him so terribly much.

If he doesn’t come home, it really will be quite a blow. ’

All at once her knees give way, and Christina crumples to the floor. Rushing to her side, I put my arms under hers and, half-lifting her, guide her back to a chair. David looks up from his drawing for a moment before bending his gaze back to the paper. It’s a plane crashing into the sea.

‘I’m so sorry, Christina,’ I say. ‘It’s unbearable.’

‘He’s dead, isn’t he?’ Christina asks, clutching at my forearms. ‘Just tell me he’s dead, Maia, and then I can start to believe it. It’s the hope that will end me.’

‘I don’t know,’ I tell her. ‘No one knows. Not yet.’

‘He’s dead.’ Christina nods, pressing her palm to her breast. ‘I feel it – I feel it here. Like a connection has been severed. He’s lost to me, Maia.

He’s gone. We’ve lost him, all of us. Oh, I know only I loved him, but he was so good at what he did, Maia.

He was the bravest and the best. And I suppose that’s why he’s dead, don’t you think? ’

The consulting-room door opens, and Stella emerges, guiding a limping woman by the arm.

‘Wash it in boiled salt-water three times a day,’ Stella tells the woman. ‘You must keep it clean – it is imperative.’

The woman glances at Christina’s tear-stained face, and lowering her eyes, she leaves.

‘Christina, you should go home,’ Stella tells her kindly.

‘If I were home, all I would do is stare at the wall and scream,’ Christina says. ‘I must keep busy. Let me help here today, and then I have a shift at Lascaris tonight. I need to keep busy. It’s the only thing keeping me on my feet.’

Stella frowns. Crossing to the door of the medical room, she bolts it shut.

Then she sits on the other side of Christina, reaching for her hand.

‘When my husband was killed, I was unprepared,’ Stella says.

‘We never really thought the war would touch us here or that, if it did, it wouldn’t last. When they came to my door and told me he had been killed in one of the first raids, I simply could not believe it. ’

David stops drawing. Climbing to his feet, he crosses to his mother, placing his hands on her knees.

Stella smiles at him, cupping his cheek in her palm. ‘The best advice I can give you, Christina, is to let yourself grieve. It hurts so very much, but the sooner you start, the sooner you will be able to . . .’ Stella pauses. ‘. . . to remember him without quite so much pain.’

‘I miss Daddy, too,’ David says. ‘I miss playing horses. He would let me ride his neck.’

‘He would.’ Stella smiles. ‘He was very proud of you.’

‘That’s the thing, isn’t it?’ Christina says. ‘If I were the only woman to lose the man she loves in this war then I could feel sorry for myself, wring my hands and beat my head against the floor. But I am just one – one of millions. What does my heart matter in the midst of all this?’

‘It matters,’ I tell her. ‘Every heart matters. That’s the point. If we don’t acknowledge that every life, every heart, is just as important as all the others, if we start to see people as numbers too vast to imagine, then we’ve lost. Every heart matters, Christina. Every loss must be felt.’

‘I suppose you are right,’ Christina says, burying her face in her hands. ‘I just don’t know what to do, how to go from one moment to the next.’

‘Stay here,’ Stella tells her. ‘Go and catalogue what supplies we have left. Write an inventory and pack my medical bag. The skies are too quiet – I don’t like it.’

‘Thank you,’ Christina says, flinging her arms around Stella and holding her tight. ‘Thank you, Stella. I’ll start right away.’

‘I can help,’ David says. ‘I can read.’

‘Yes, you come and help me.’ Christina offers him her hand. ‘And while we work, you can tell me everything you remember about your daddy. How does that sound?’

‘OK!’ David hops to pick up the model plane from the floor and runs after Christina, who is unlocking the medical room door and heading down the corridor.

‘You saw your flight lieutenant?’ Stella asks me. Taking my chin between her finger and thumb, she tilts my face left to right. ‘You did. I see he didn’t shave today.’ She smiles. ‘You are happy, Maia,’ she says then. ‘Being in love suits you.’

‘It frightens me, too,’ I say. ‘Like you say, something’s coming. Something big. Stella, when it comes, will you do something for me?’

‘What can I do for you, Maia?’ Stella asks.

‘Will you stay safe, with the children? Go to a shelter and stay there. Will you leave this battle to everyone else for once?’

Stella cups my cheeks with her hands and kisses me gently on the forehead. ‘Oh, no, Maia. You know I can’t do that. I never leave the fate of my country to be decided by others. Our fight is our freedom, Maia. I will never hide from that.’

I knew that was what she was going to say. But I hoped it might be that easy. Now, fear and death seem very close by. Warby’s gone, and Christina’s heartbroken. Nicco is in jail awaiting trial, and the sky is holding its breath.

It’s down to me to try now, and I’m so afraid I’m not brave or strong enough.

The bell on the medical room rings, and my mouth drops open.

It’s Sal standing in the doorway.