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Ersa

T he sheer curtain billowed in the morning breeze, golden light spilling through to the foot of the bed, where the lovers lay entwined in soft, rumpled sheets.

“What do you want for your special day?” Mason whispered, his voice a velvety caress against Ersa’s heated skin. His lips traced a slow, deliberate path down his chest, lingering at each dip and ridge before trailing lower. Every kiss sent shivers racing through Ersa’s body, sparks igniting along his nerves.

Ersa’s fingers tangled in Mason’s dark hair, gripping tight, desperate for something to anchor himself to. A wave of pleasure crashed over him, leaving warmth unfurling in every limb, curling his toes.

“I want you,” Ersa moaned.

Mason chuckled, green eyes gleaming with laughter.

So beautiful , Ersa thought, entranced. Mason wasn’t the most handsome alpha—average at best—but those warm, laughing eyes, the strong jaw, the aquiline nose, and the unruly black hair that couldn’t decide between curls or waves stole his breath. And that scent—sharp, woodsy, tinged with wet soil and summer rain—was intoxicating. As if to prove the point, Ersa brushed his nose along Mason’s neck, breathing him in.

“You have me, baby,” Mason murmured.

Ersa flung his arms around him. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too. Come here.”

The bed groaned as Mason rolled to his back, pulling Ersa onto his chest. Ersa sighed, lulled by the steady lub-dub of Mason’s heart and the soothing hand across his back. He traced the shifting shadows on the floor, listening as the world outside stirred—birds chirping, laughter drifting through the air, hover pods humming along the airway.

Next door, Master Pentridge shouted that he was late for work. Again.

Ersa sighed, casting a sharp, venomous glare at the overhead wall.

The PulseQuarters—one of the most prestigious two-story, duplex-style residences in Mainland, the glittering capital of Arhu—rose in a circular formation, a ring of seamlessly connected units. Every inch of the place screamed modern opulence: voice-responsive lighting, scent-filtered ventilation, and climate pods that fine-tuned themselves to the user’s biological designation—alpha, beta, and omega. The family units were a marvel, thoughtfully designed to cradle a growing cub’s every need.

But for all its luxury, the building had one irritating flaw: the walls were thin. Too thin. Every quarrel or fevered moan seeped through them like smoke.

It was frustrating at times, and Ersa often found himself wishing they could move somewhere quieter. But their finances were still shaky, caught in that in-between stage of almost-but-not-quite. He could ask his parents for help, but they’d already done so much. The unit they lived in now had been a bonding gift, a generous gesture Ersa appreciated deeply. He knew if he asked, they’d give him whatever he wanted. Still, he wanted him and Mason to carve their own path, to build something that was wholly theirs.

It wouldn’t be long now. They just had to hold on a little longer. Mason was steadily climbing the ranks as a junior bio-logistics officer, and with a promotion on the horizon, the dream of owning their own house felt closer than ever.

I just have to be patient , Ersa reminded himself as he leaned into Mason’s side.

Besides, the quarters weren’t all bad. There was something primal about the place. Maybe it was the architecture, echoing old pack days, when families lived in close proximity and shared their daily lives.

“I guess he’s late again,” Mason said, breaking the silence. They burst into laughter as Pentridge’s hurried footsteps echoed, followed by his bond mate’s frantic attempts to straighten his clothes. A second later, a wail cut through the morning air from down the hallway.

Ersa sighed. “I guess my time is up.” He wiggled out of Mason’s arms.

“No, I’ll go,” Mason said, gently laying Ersa down. He sat up, but before he could get out of bed, Ersa grasped his arm to stop him.

“Are you sure? You worked until late yesterday. You should rest.” Ersa sat up, their shoulders brushing—a perfect fit. Unlike most alphas—broad-shouldered giants with towering frames, thick muscle, and a presence that commanded any room they entered— Mason was lean, his presence comforting rather than overwhelming. “I’ll go take care of Mika. Once I’m done, I’ll go downstairs and prepare breakfast for you.”

“Today is your birthday. I should be the one taking care of you.”

“I like taking care of you.” Ersa slipped out of bed and padded over to the chair where he’d tossed his clothes the night before—right after Mason had all but dragged him into their room once Mika was asleep. Mika’s cries pierced the quiet, growing louder with each second. Ersa hurried into his shirt and pants, then dashed out the door.

“I’m here, little one,” he cooed, stepping into the nursery. Plush carpet cushioned his steps as he approached the crib, bathed in the night lamp’s warm glow. Mika flailed, tiny fists punching the air. Ersa chuckled, scooping him up. “My little alpha woke up irritable this morning. What’s wrong, huh?” he murmured, carrying the cub to a settee by the window. Beyond the glass, a breathtaking garden sprawled below, a vibrant sea of blossoms unfurling in full bloom. It was one of the quiet pleasures Ersa cherished most about the quarters. He could sit there for hours, watching petals flutter in the breeze, dreaming of the day he’d have a garden of his own, a home that was truly theirs, tucked far from the noise and relentless pulse of the capital.

Ersa gently rubbed Mika’s back in slow, soothing circles, waiting for the cub’s cries to settle. As Mika nestled closer, Ersa lifted his shirt, guiding him to feed. A soft hum escaped Ersa’s lips, the melody syncing with the rhythmic motion of his hand against Mika’s tiny frame.

Mika’s little fingers curled in the air before settling on Ersa’s chest, his green eyes locking onto him with an almost uncanny focus. What are you thinking, little one? Ersa wondered, mesmerized by the quiet intensity in his gaze. It was the most breathtaking sight he’d ever laid eyes on—his heart ached with wonder just looking at him. He’d been unusually fortunate. While most male omegas endured months of hormonal instability, vertigo, and cellular stress as their bodies changed, his pregnancy had been remarkably smooth. His hormonal shifts stabilized without the usual side effects. No mental crashes. No organ strain. Just a quiet, seamless transformation. For many omegas, especially males, the biological process of carrying a cub was still unpredictable. But somehow, his system had handled it effortlessly, as if his body had been waiting for this.

“I’m so lucky to have you,” Ersa said, kissing Mika’s cheek. The cub giggled, staring up at him.

At just three months old, Mika already bore Mason’s likeness—the same piercing eyes, the delicate but determined set of his brow. Though his hair remained a shade of Ersa’s blond and his nose was still small and soft, time would likely reshape him. His hair might darken, his features sharpen.

Ersa didn’t mind. If anything, seeing Mason reflected in Mika only deepened his love for the cub.

When Mika finally released him, Ersa propped him against his shoulder, resuming his gentle strokes. A deep, rolling burp erupted from Mika’s tiny body, vibrating through Ersa’s chest.

“Good boy,” he murmured with a chuckle, pressing a kiss to the cub’s downy head. “Let’s get you cleaned up and ready for the day. Maybe you, Dad, and I can go out for my birthday. Just the three of us.”

“We could, but I have plans.”

Ersa’s head snapped up. Mason leaned against the doorframe, sleep pants slung low on his hips.

“I thought you were asleep.”

“I couldn’t.” Mason stepped forward, lifting Mika from Ersa’s arms. “You should get ready. Jun’s downstairs.”

“Jun? Why?”

Mason shrugged. “Apparently, he’s taking you out for your birthday. He asked me to take care of Mika for a while.”

As if on cue, Jun’s voice boomed through the unit.

“Better go before he drags you out in your sleep clothes,” Mason warned, smirking.

Ersa groaned. Jun absolutely would. They’d known each other since childhood, back when he was a whirlwind of trouble—a loud, reckless menace with a crooked smile and too much energy for one body. Growing up hadn’t changed him; Jun still did whatever he wanted.

Ugh! Ersa turned on his heels and stormed out of the nursery. The floorboards groaned under each hurried step as he dashed down the narrow hallway. He gripped the railing at the end and leaned over, eyes locking onto Jun, who stood dead center in the open-plan living space below, like he owned the place.

“Happy birthday, darling!” Jun said. “Are you ready to—”

A sharp gasp cut him off. Jun clutched his chest like he’d been personally offended, his eyes sweeping over Ersa in exaggerated horror.

Ersa rolled his eyes, arms crossing over his chest as his lips twitched. Here we go.

“You’re not going out like that, are you?” Jun demanded, tone laced with pure disbelief.

“Of course not. I’m not going anywhere,” Ersa shot back, deadpan.

“Yes, you are.”

Ersa sighed. “It’s too early for your drama. Why did you come unannounced? I have plans.”

“What plans?” Jun’s brow lifted.

“I, uh…” Ersa bit the inside of his cheek, searching for an answer. He had no plans—just caring for Mika and Mason, maybe going out later to celebrate his birthday.

“As always, you’re putting yourself last.”

“No, I…”

Jun’s mocking laughter rang through the open space, bouncing off the walls and curling up to the second floor, where Ersa stood, before he said, “Don’t even try. I know you.”

Ersa shot Jun a glare, but it only made the omega laugh harder.

Eventually, the laughter faded into a soft smile. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh,” Jun said, gliding up the stairs in a flurry of black silks, his long hair billowing like a shimmering white cloud.

At the top, he pulled Ersa into a warm embrace, his scent sweet and soothing as it wrapped around him.

“Go get ready. Today is your day, and I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure you enjoy it and not spend the day taking care of everyone else.”

“But I—”

“Go, Ersa.” Jun turned him around and shoved him gently down the hallway. “I’ll wait for you outside. And don’t make me come back in here and drag you out.”

Ersa grumbled all the way to his room, dragging his feet like a condemned man. As he neared the door, Mason’s voice drifted from the nursery—soft, lilting, filled with warmth as he spoke to Mika.

A pang of longing tightened Ersa’s chest. He wished he could turn around, slip back in there, and steal a few more moments with them. He could already picture Mika’s toothless grin stretching wide the moment he walked in, those bright eyes lighting up just for him.

But he couldn’t. Jun was relentless.

“That persistent little omega,” Ersa sighed, stomping to the clothing cubicle and yanking out the first set of clothes his eyes landed on. “Who cares if I look decent?” he huffed, marching toward the washroom. Why was it such a crime to want to stay home and take care of his family? Nothing made him happier than ensuring Mason and Mika had everything they needed.

As the bathing bot whirred to life, Ersa caught his reflection in the mirror—and gasped. His skin was dull and parched, while his hair stuck out in wild tufts.

And—was that vomit ?

His eyes zeroed in on the stain on his right shoulder. Pinching the fabric, he took a cautious sniff. The sour tang hit instantly, making him recoil with a groan. Great. Just great. Jun had seen him in his dirty clothes.

No wonder the omega threatened to drag him out of the house. He’d been so busy taking care of Mika and Mason he’d completely neglected himself.

Shaking his head, Ersa stripped and stepped into the bathing bot, then set the machine to scrub away every trace of exhaustion and neglect, determined to feel like himself again. Once done, he returned to his room, the clothes he’d taken out of the clothing cubicle without a care draped over his arm. Returning each item of clothing to its place, Ersa carefully scanned his clothes. His gaze landed on the outfit from his first date with Mason. A smile tugged at his lips as memories surfaced.

“Still looks good,” he murmured, holding the top against his chest with a faint smile. He laid it neatly on the bed, then turned to the clothing cubicle and retrieved his underclothes. Slipping on his underwear, he reached for the FormMod Wrap—a stretchy band of adaptive fabric designed to contour and compress. Of all the changes his body had gone through during pregnancy, the fullness in his chest still felt like the most unfamiliar. He didn’t hate it—this was his body, after all—but damn, he wished they were smaller.

He wrapped the FormMod snugly around his chest, exhaling slowly as the material activated. True to its name—Form Modifier—the wrap began to shift and tighten, its smart fibers adjusting to his shape. Ersa watched in awe as his chest was gradually flattened and smoothed into a silhouette he felt more like himself in.

His outfit followed next.

The emerald-green shirt and pants hugged his lean frame perfectly, the color making his pale skin glow and his blue eyes seem deeper, more mysterious. He completed the look with white slip-on sandals, then ran his fingers through his short hair.

Heading to check on Mason and Mika, he found the nursery empty. Mason was likely in the cooking station, grabbing something to eat.

“I’ll see them later,” he decided, striding toward the front door.

“There he is!” Jun shouted, his voice echoing across the quiet neighborhood like a siren. “Come on! We’re already late!”

Ersa winced, catching the flutter of a curtain from the neighboring unit. Master Pentridge’s bond mate was peeking through the window—of course they’d heard Jun. Who hadn’t?

“I’m coming, I’m coming, relax,” Ersa muttered, picking up his pace as he headed down the driveway toward the waiting hover pod. The beta at the operator’s console offered him a sheepish smile, as if silently apologizing for Jun’s antics.

The pod hummed softly, its sleek frame hovering just inches off the ground. Of course, Jun drifted around in the latest elite model, an Arhula LX69— impossibly smooth and designed for silent drifting. Shaped like an elongated oval, the hover pod floated effortlessly on advanced magnetic drift tech. A far cry from the older coal-powered beasts still chugging around some parts of the city. And naturally, Jun had chosen the most obnoxious shade of iridescent yellow imaginable.

The moment Ersa climbed into the pod, Jun seized his arm and tugged him into the back seat with little patience. The pod’s door sealed shut with a quiet hum.

“Let’s go, Niel,” Jun snapped at the beta operator without even looking at him.

“Hey, don’t talk to him like that,” Ersa muttered, casting an apologetic glance at the beta seated up front.

“He’s been following me around ever since that stupid law went into effect. He’s my jailer, Ersa. I’ll talk to him however I damn well please.”

“He’s just doing his job.”

“And it’s my job to make every non-omega person’s life a waking nightmare.” Jun grinned, stretching out comfortably. “Feels good to get out, doesn’t it?”

Ersa sighed, resting his cheek against the cool windowpane as the city streaked past in a kaleidoscope of motion. Towering buildings shimmered under the sun, their surfaces alive with pulsing advertisements in half a dozen languages. Storefronts blurred into a riot of color as their hover pod zipped through the tubes of the super airways. Around them, other pods whizzed by, guided by invisible magnetic streams. The pedestrian walkways were alive with movement, people going about their day. It was vibrant. Overwhelming. Alive.

“No, I already miss Mika and Mason.”

Jun giggled. “Let’s see if you’ll miss them after what I have in store for you.”

“Nothing you do will keep me from missing them,” Ersa shot back, his voice laced with quiet longing.

Thirty minutes later, Ersa couldn’t remember his own name. He clenched his jaw, fighting to hold back a moan as the massage chair put pressure on the back of his neck and shoulders, the silicone hand-like prods sliding down his oil-slicked back digging out knots Ersa hadn’t known were there.

A shudder rippled down his spine, and his toes curled into the plush carpet beneath him as his fingers dug into the armrest.

How in the hell did Jun even find this place—an exclusive omega-only haven, no less?

Above, jets sprayed a fine mist, cooling the air with a refreshing haze. Lounge chairs lined the walls, and sleek serving bots glided between them laden with drinks and delicacies. Robed omegas moved leisurely through the room, their laughter and chatter weaving into the soft music that flowed like a lullaby, lulling everyone into a state of blissful relaxation.

Jun moaned obscenely, drawing Ersa’s eyes. The omega was sprawled on his back, his long hair tied in a messy bun atop his head, a silver capsule covering his body from his shoulders to his feet.

“What the hell is that?”

“The chair—” Another obscene moan. “—turns into a capsule for full-body immersion. There is a button on the armrest.”

As soon as Ersa pressed the button, the chair jerked and swooped to the floor before it rocked him to his back, his feet up in the air. Ersa blinked up at the ceiling, his cheeks heating. “What the fuck, Jun?”

“Give it a second,” Jun murmured lazily.

And a second later, water glided over his skin, submerging him in a warm cocoon as the silicone prods kneaded his back with rhythmic, deliberate movements. Each stroke felt like a wave rolling over his body, soft and unhurried, lulling him into a peaceful haze.

“Happy birthday, sweetheart,” Jun murmured, sounding so far away. Ersa opened one eye to look at Jun, only to find the omega staring at him. “You look blissed-out.”

“I feel so relaxed. I didn’t realize I needed this. Thanks,” Ersa said, a deep, long yawn pulling his mouth wide. He turned away from Jun, sleep heavy in his eyes.

“You should thank Mason, not me. He was the one who arranged everything.”

Ersa snapped his head back to Jun, wide-awake. “He did?”

“Yes. He knew you wouldn’t agree to go out by yourself if he suggested it, so he asked me,” Jun said proudly, and then his tone turned wistful as he said, “I get jealous sometimes watching you two. It’s clear you love each other. If I didn’t already know, I’d never believe yours is an arranged bond. Not only did Mason save you from being taken to a commune house, but he loves you too.”

“Jun?” Ersa said softly. Being an omega on Arhu meant living as a second-class citizen. It was a silent truth, woven into the very structure of their society. Even after a hundred years of supposed progress—gleaming cities, genetic advancement, and economic growth—the old pack hierarchy still reigned, and omegas remained firmly at the bottom.

“We got bonded at the same time, remember?” Jun laughed, but the sound came out tight. They both knew he hadn’t wanted to get bonded. He’d been forced into it, like so many others.

After the scandal—when former Alpha King Deltta Kohle was caught in a compromising entanglement with his omega assistant—the tide turned for the worse for omegas. Suddenly, omegas were seen as liabilities. The public cried for their removal from all positions of power and public spaces.

In response, the Council of Alphas passed a new law, mandating that any omega nearing their first heat cycle be relocated to government-monitored commune houses. Families panicked. No one wanted their child caged in a commune. So many, like Jun and Ersa, were rushed into bonds with alphas they barely knew.

Ersa’s gaze swept across the lounge, taking in the quiet cluster of omegas scattered throughout the room. Some lay on lounges, relaxing, others chatted in low voices—all of them had either an alpha or beta stationed just outside, waiting like silent guards. None of them could move freely in public anymore. The law had caged them in invisible restraints, stripping their freedom under the guise of protection. It felt like they were sentenced to life imprisonment. Aggressive alphas hadn’t come out of the scandal unscathed either. Since Deltta Kohle had lost control—going full beast in response to his omega assistant’s heat—those with similar traits were now subject to routine testing, constant monitoring, and daily suppressants to keep their instincts in check. But despite the added scrutiny, it was hard to feel sympathy for them. They still moved freely through society, kept their careers, and lived without the restrictions forced on omegas.

Jun shook his head as if he were waking up from a dream. “What am I doing? Today is your day. We should be celebrating. Let’s go and try another machine.” Water streamed down his body, collecting in a shallow pool at his feet as he stepped out of the capsule. He reached for a drying cloth hanging on a peg fixed to the wall. “Are you coming? The dryer is this way.”

“Okay,” Ersa said.

They moved from one machine to the other, exfoliating their skin, scrubbing their feet, and getting their heads massaged. “I’m going to take a nap now,” Ersa mumbled an hour later as he settled on one of the settees in the corner. He turned onto his stomach, the settee’s cushions cradling his body so perfectly he couldn’t help the moan that slipped out of his mouth.

Jun laughed. “I can’t let you do that. I have to return you to your alpha.”

“Why? He knows where I am.”

“He knows, but he’s probably busy doing something amazing for you.”

“There’s more?”

Jun nodded.

Ersa groaned as he sat up. “Please don’t tell me he planned a party for me. I hate parties. The thought of standing in front of people gives me anxiety. It always has.”

Jun left his settee and settled beside Ersa. “I told him, but he insisted. He said bonding with you was the best thing that ever happened to him, and these past two years have been amazing. He just wants to show you how much he appreciates you.”

“He could have done that with just the three of us.”

“Well, this is how he wants to do it, so let him. You should count yourself lucky. Some alphas don’t even try.”

“Jun, is everything okay with your alpha?”

Blinking rapidly, Jun shoved to his feet, a smile pulling at his lips. “I think I’ve stalled enough. It’s time to go home, birthday boy.”

“Jun?”

“I’m going to change.”

Ersa stole glances at Jun as they drifted home, chewing his thumb in thought. Jun hadn’t said much, but Ersa sensed trouble between him and his alpha. He wanted to fix it—to pull Jun into his arms and ease his pain.

“Whatever is going on in your head, forget it. Today is not the day to worry about other people. It’s your birthday. Let us take care of you, alright?”

“Okay… okay. I don’t know why you and Mason are making such a fuss,” Ersa huffed, staring out the window. The thought of having people gawk at him had Ersa’s heart pounding hard against his rib cage, his breath coming fast and shallow. His hands grew clammy as the hover pod made a right turn onto the residential airway.

“Do you know anyone from the authority office?”

“What?” Ersa looked out the window as the hover pod came to a stop. The lights atop the authorities’ hover pod pulsed frantically, the yellow and green spiraling into a dizzying whirl that seemed to scream for attention. “No. Why would they come here?”

“I don’t know. Should we go inside?”

The hum of voices vibrated through the air, mingling with pained cries that struck Ersa’s gut with a jolt of fear as soon as he walked into the house. His knees buckled as his mother’s choked words reached his ears.

“What are we going to tell Ersa? They can’t be gone. Please tell me it’s not true!” His mother clung to the officer, tears streaming down her face as sobs racked her body. Ersa’s dad and brother, Erle, stood motionless, their shoulders slumped.

“Mason, Mika… I’m home.” The words slipped from Ersa’s mouth unchecked as his eyes swept over the room filled with pale faces. A cold sensation coiled through him, numbing his insides when he realized he couldn’t find them. “Mason? Where are you?”

“I’m sorry, baby,” his mother said.

The officer turned to face Ersa. “Is he Master Mason Loudi’s bond mate?”

“Yes, but I don’t think my brother can handle…” Erle stepped forward just as the officer spoke the words that cut through Ersa’s soul.

“I’m sorry to inform you that your bond mate and cub were involved in a hover pod accident on Airway C-39. A faulty pod…”

Ersa collapsed to the floor, all strength draining from his body. The officer’s voice faded into the background, swallowed by the deafening ring echoing in his mind. Clutching his head, Ersa let out a raw, anguished scream that went on and on.

“Ersa… Ersa… please… Oh, what do I do,” Jun wailed, his arms coming around Ersa. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Erle, bring the doctor. We need to sedate him.” His mother’s voice was the last thing Ersa heard before the ringing in his ears swelled to a deafening shrill, and the world dissolved into darkness.

***

Six months later.

They were talking about him again. They thought their whispers were low, but Ersa heard every word. He really hated the damn thin walls.

His gaze drifted to the garden below—the place that once brought him quiet joy. Now, the vibrant flowers hung limp and lifeless, their colors faded to grey in his eyes. The whole world felt fucking grey. Food tasted like dirt, and the house was as lifeless as a tomb. Everywhere Ersa turned, memories of Mason and Mika clawed at him.

“There has to be something we can do,” his mother whispered harshly. “They can’t force him to go to a commune house.”

“They can, and they will. If he was older, maybe they would reconsider. He was only bonded to Mason for two years, and he went into his first heat the year before that.”

“So? He’s not fresh from his first heat. He had an alpha and a cub. That should mean something.”

“He turned twenty, what, six months ago, Mother. He’s still young.”

“Erle is right, Elena,” Ersa’s dad said. “We can’t go against the law. He’s already been assigned a commune house. It’s too late now.”

“Says who?” Elena snapped. “I’m not sending my baby to some dirty commune house. You’ve heard what happens there. Ersa has always struggled with meeting new people. Do you remember how long it took him to open up to Mason? He won’t survive living with strangers.”

“You don’t know that, Elena. You need to stop babying him.”

“I’m not babying him. I know my son. Living in a commune house will kill him. Perhaps we…” She trailed off, the silence in the air thick with tension. “I think we should find him another alpha.”

Someone coughed, and Ersa could feel the uncomfortable tension from the next room from where he stood.

“Don’t just sit there, staring at me. Say something.”

Ersa’s gaze landed on the case at the foot of the bed. His clothes were already packed, and he was ready to leave. The thought of staying in the house a minute longer felt unbearable, and the idea of bonding with another alpha churned his stomach. Ersa knew his mother meant well, but in that moment, he couldn’t help the flicker of resentment that burned in his chest. Mason was everything to him, more than just the alpha who saved him from being taken to a commune house. Mason was his world, his anchor, his everything. He’d be damned if he let anyone reduce what they had to a mere transaction.

Grabbing the case, he stepped out of the room. The door to the nursery, where his parents and brother were having their discussion, was slightly ajar. Ersa paused, staring at their worried faces as they huddled together, trying to save him yet again.

“I’m going,” he announced, his throat tightening. “Please take care of everything for me. You can sell it, burn it. I don’t care.” Tears stung his eyes, but Ersa blinked them away. “Erle, can you please take me…”

“Of course, Ersa. You don’t have to ask.” Erle stepped out of the room and took the case from Ersa. “Let’s go.”

“Ersa…” His mother’s pained voice threatened to rip his aching heart to shreds.

“I’ll be fine, Mother.” Ersa forced a smile, even though he felt like crying.