Page 34 of My Secret Duke

W as it really that bad?”

Olivia jumped at the sound of her sister’s voice, and then glared at her. “Be quiet.”

“Ivo looked as if he’d swallowed a plum stone, and you are just as bad. If making love is that awful, I am never going to put myself through it, that’s for certain.”

“It wasn’t awful. It was wonderful. It’s just…”

Just that she was in love with Ivo, and now she would struggle even more to marry someone like Viscount Carey. She’d have the memories of this night, yes, but she had the lowering feeling that they would not be enough. Ivo would haunt her dreams, and she would relive their night again and again.

“It is just what?” Roberta said impatiently.

“Nothing.”

Roberta huffed and folded her arms. “I’m never going to give my heart to anyone,” she announced as they neared Ashton House. “I am going to live my life for myself, the way I want it, so there!”

“I wish you luck,” Olivia said bitterly.

There was no one to meet them at the door. Everyone must be abed, so there would be no interrogation. Olivia hastened to her room, Roberta flouncing behind her, muttering about it being a complete waste of an evening.

After undressing, Olivia lay in bed and stared into the darkness. Although she shared the bedchamber with Justina, her sister was still out at the theater and supper, and she was alone. She was too filled with uncomfortable thoughts to sleep, even though she knew tomorrow would be another busy day. The memory of the touch of Ivo’s hands on her body made her ache all over again, and the expression in his green eyes when he told her she was beautiful… She would never forget it. But wasn’t that what she had wanted?

Olivia knew now her dare had been a dreadful mistake. Because the memories wouldn’t be enough. She was in love with a man who did not love her, a man she had sworn not to marry, and it felt as if she was being squeezed into a smaller and smaller space. What choice was left to her? Viscount Carey, probably. He had yet to ask her, but Olivia sensed it was only a matter of time.

A sensible marriage, with money enough to help her sisters and herself, and the opportunity to take her proper place in the ton.

No love match though. She would be just another young lady who set aside her heart’s desire to focus on practical matters. And although there was nothing wrong with that, Olivia understood now that she was not that sort of girl. She wanted love. When Ivo had called her “sweetheart,” it had been as if a door had opened before her, beckoning her through into a world where she could be somebody’s beloved. Somebody’s entire world. Somebody’s sweetheart.

And it hurt a great deal to think she was going to have to close that door again.

As Olivia had foreseen, the following days were busy with Felicia’s wedding preparations. It seemed even the tiniest detail was a matter for discussions and arguments, which her mother usually won. She had suffered when Harry’s death had revealed the awful truth about their marriage, and she seemed determined to make the most of this second marriage. Lord Harrowby was very much in the background, and he seemed happy enough to let his bride have her way.

Olivia did not know him well, and those times she had spoken with him since Justina’s coming-out, he had been reserved and rather stiff in his manner. But he seemed genuinely devoted to her mother, and despite all that had happened in the past, she was glad Felicia had found someone with her best interests at heart.

Not that she was feeling very charitable as she was sent running hither and thither, looking for anything and everything her mother needed for her wedding. The drawing room at Ashton House was to be decorated for the occasion, and Felicia insisted upon a bower of flowers that she and her intended could stand beneath as the minister performed the service.

The flowers were the problem. Every variety on Felicia’s list was an exotic species and difficult to find. Expensive too. Gabriel was grinding his teeth by the time the day arrived for the actual ceremony.

It was a close family affair, which Felicia had only agreed to if there was a celebratory supper dance the next evening, to send the happy couple off on their honeymoon. As the vows were exchanged beneath the contentious bower, there were more than a few tears shed. Possibly more from relief than sentiment.

“It was quite moving,” Justina said when it was over, and she flopped down onto the bed beside Olivia and Roberta. “Did you hear her thanking her beautiful daughters?”

“I had to look over my shoulder because I was certain she couldn’t mean me,” Roberta replied with a yawn.

Olivia yawned too. She was very tired from too many nights of little sleep, but that wasn’t entirely her mother’s fault. It was Ivo who strolled through her dreams, holding her in his arms, making her body sing, and sometimes telling her he loved her. She still wondered if she had heard him say that in the heat of their passion. Should she have told him that she loved him ?

Carey would be at the supper dance tomorrow night, and Olivia had a queasy feeling he was going to propose. And if he did…?

“What would happen if I didn’t accept Viscount Carey?”

The words startled her sisters. They turned to stare at her. Roberta grinned, and Justina looked concerned. “Nothing would happen,” the latter said. “You should not accept him unless it is your wish to do so, Olivia.”

“He is quite wealthy. He could buy me pretty dresses and gewgaws.”

Roberta snorted. “Do you want gewgaws?”

“I thought I did.” She stared into space, considering. “I could help both of you, and the other three girls. We will probably be paupers by the time Edwina comes out.”

“You think too much about other people,” Justina scolded her. “And why are you talking about this now?” she added suspiciously. “What has made you finally see the light?”

Olivia wasn’t entirely pleased by the suggestion she had been walking around with her head in a fog, but she appreciated the sisterly concern. Should she tell them? She normally kept her secret heart quite secret, even from Justina, but she had been thinking and thinking, until her head ached, and quite suddenly, she couldn’t think anymore.

“I am in love with Northam.”

Justina’s mouth dropped open, and Roberta rolled her eyes.

“I think if he asked me to marry him,” again, “I would say yes.” She put her hands to her face and groaned. “But how can I? He is in worse financial straits than us!”

Roberta laughed. “But think what fun you would both have!”

Justina was more circumspect. “I suppose that is a consideration, but remember he is a joint partner in Cadieux’s. Charles says it is doing very well.” She blushed, avoiding their eyes. “Not that you should only marry Northam for financial reasons alone. Do you really love him, Olivia? I wondered, seeing you together, but you insisted it was not to be.”

“I tried not to let it be,” she said with a sigh, “but yes, I do love him. I have probably loved him since the first moment I saw him. And now I sound like a character from Vivienne and Annette’s novel,” she said with a grimace.

Roberta had been watching them thoughtfully. “I think it would be the best thing ever,” she said. “I have heard that Whitmont is a wild sort of place, with salt marshes and smugglers. Every day would be an adventure, just think!”

“For you maybe,” Olivia retorted, but she was remembering Ivo talking about his home with such fondness. Was the thought of Whitmont so very bad? And how could it be, if Ivo was there with her?

“Marry him,” Roberta said.

“If he makes you happy, then marry him,” Justina added.

Olivia smiled, her eyes suddenly stinging with tears. “You have both forgotten one important point. He hasn’t asked me.”