Page 7

On Saturday night, my team’s last preseason game against Boston, it was obvious I couldn’t focus. I flubbed up almost every single face-off to the point that Kappy had to start switching with me to shake things up.

In the second period, I had a full-on breakaway. Instead of taking the shot, I dropped it back to JP on defense, but he was way too far away and not expecting me to do that. Boston easily scooped up the puck and got their own breakaway from my dumbass move.

Late in the third period, I went for the puck in the corner and got absolutely trucked. I was usually quick enough to escape hits like that, but I’d been a beat too slow all game. After that hit, it felt like my brain got rattled loose. The migraine that came on was almost instant and I couldn’t wait to get out of the bright arena.

In the locker room, Coach didn’t even have to tell me I played like shit. He just gave me a wary glance and told me to get some rest before practices next week.

Kappy and JP watched me like I was about to break down or explode.

Maybe I was.

“Just get some sleep, man,” JP suggested.

“Yeah, you’re kinda looking like a zombie,” Kappy added, making JP smack him upside the head. “Okay, ow.” He rubbed his head.

I raked a hand through my sweaty hair.

He was right. I was functioning on almost no sleep because I couldn’t stop my brain from looping through all my problems.

All through the night, I bounced from worrying about Lucy, to thinking of Mer, then yelling at myself for even letting my mind drift back to her. But that defeated look on Mer’s face haunted me.

I imagined seeing her again so many times over the years. I imagined we’d finally have it out. She’d finally explain to me why I wasn’t good enough, why she cut me out of her life and cast me aside all those years ago.

Never did I expect her shoulders to slump and for her to slink away like it was all pointless…

Like she was… unhappy.

Because that was worse, I was realizing– her being unhappy.

Thinking of her building a perfect picket-fence life with some random guy… Yeah, that hurt like hell. But I could understand it. I could understand her wanting to start fresh with someone new.

But I was starting to suspect that’s not what happened here. And that gutted me and confused me more than I knew what to do with.

__________

Sunday morning, I really didn’t want to go over to my mom’s for brunch because I knew I’d be getting an earful about my shit game. But if I didn’t go, I knew the guilt-trip she’d lay on me would be worse.

I shuffled over to Lucy’s room and knocked on the door. “Going to Grandma’s soon.”

She flopped on her back and groaned. “Do we have to?”

I scratched my bare chest. “I think we do, Lu. Let’s get it over with. We’ll get some ice cream or something after, yeah?”

She pulled her pink princess covers over her head and groaned again.

I knew the feeling.

Lucy was quiet as I drove the twenty minutes over to my parent’s house. As soon as I signed with Chicago a few years back, my parents purchased a house in a nearby suburb. They still owned the home I grew up in back in Michigan, but they rarely went back. I never went back. There were too many memories there.

This house was almost the same as the one I grew up in though– too large, dark brick with a million windows, gated with a rod-iron fence and keypad, and my mom’s signature blue hydrangeas lining the driveway. Instead of it being on a small, local lake like our old house, this one backed right up to Lake Michigan itself. We’d probably come here and use the private lake access more often if Lucy and my mom got along better.

My mom answered the door wearing one of her usual bright Lily Pulitzer dresses and her eyes immediately narrowed in on Lucy’s hair. “Oh, you got a haircut.”

“Yeah,” Lucy said quietly, then eyed me nervously, like she was afraid I’d tell her what happened.

“It’s too short. Her curls are all gone,” my mom snapped, looking from her to me.

I hated how Lucy’s shoulders tensed.

“It looks beautiful,” I brushed a hand over Lucy’s head and gave her an encouraging smile. She hid slightly behind my legs, not wanting to move any further into the house.

“Well, next time let me take her to my salon so they don’t completely–”

“Mom,” I cut her off . “Stop,” I mouthed.

Her forehead creased with worry as she took in Lucy one more time, then she turned on her heel and led us into the sunroom where the brunch table was already set.

My eyes scanned over the three place-settings. “Where’s Dad?”

“Oh, he’s off working.” She waved the thought away. “You know him.”

“Yeah.” I knew him, alright. He was always off working , I thought sarcastically.

The maid– a new one I didn’t recognize– served a colorful quiche along with poached potatoes. Lucy grimaced as she prodded the tomatoes, spinach, and mushrooms in her quiche. This was not a kid’s breakfast, but my mother would rather die than serve something like cocoa puffs or pancakes.

“Well, her birthday is next month.” My mom pointed to Lucy and smiled. “She goes to school now, is she going to have a sixth birthday party? You should really invite her whole class and all the parents over to the house to set the tone right. Have you thought of that, Colton?”

Shit . No, I hadn’t thought of it at all. “You want a party, Lu?”

“Lu?” My mom grimaced. “That makes her sound like a boy.” Under her breath she added, “And with that haircut.” She sighed and shook her head in disappointment. “It’s alright, it’ll grow back soon. I’ll ask around about some growth serums, I’m sure the ladies at the club have experienced a bad haircut or two.” She laughed lightly.

Lucy’s face scrunched up like she was trying hard not to cry.

“Mom,” I warned, giving her a harsh look.

She scrunched her shoulders and shot me a look that said, What? I’m just trying to help.

The three of us went silent, only the sound of forks scraping our plates filled the air.

“You should really have a party,” my mom said finally. “I can help you plan it if you’d like. A high class party for a high class girl,” she said, sticking her chin in the air.

“No, that’s okay,” Lucy whispered and continued pushing food around her plate. “I don’t want one.”

Mom raised her eyebrows at me. “You need to make sure she’s socializing with girls her own age,” she whispered. “She can’t just hang around you and those two hooligans all the time.”

Lucy popped her elbow on the table and held her forehead.

“Elbows off,” Mom demanded.

Lucy bit the inside of her cheek and side-eyed me while slipping her hands into her lap.

“Eat your food now,” she ordered.

“I don’t like this food,” Lucy said quietly.

Mom pursed her lips, then slid her disappointed gaze my way.

I winced. “You have any tea or coffee? I feel a headache coming on.” I didn’t want any coffee; I just wanted a moment alone with my daughter.

As soon as Mom wandered back to the kitchen, I whispered to Lucy, “Eat quick so we can go, alright?”

Her eyes widened and she immediately put her head down to shovel a huge bite in her mouth.

My chest tightened over how upset she looked when my mom mentioned the party. I felt like I was failing as a parent, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t know what other advice to give her for making friends.

Stretching back in the chair, I thought for the hundredth time that maybe I needed to start dating again. Maybe then I’d at least have some perspective from a woman other than my mother.

Right on cue, my mind looped back to Mer.

Clenching my jaw, I dropped my fork and tried to breathe deeply to clear my head.

It just wasn’t working.

Every time I tried dating, Mer’s ocean eyes slammed into my brain, making me feel guilty. How was it that even after a decade apart, I still felt like I was cheating on her whenever I talked to another woman? Stella had been the only exception because I knew what it was with her– we were friends with benefits with no expectations of emotional commitment. That was do-able for me. Because how could I give my all to someone else when Mer still had this hold over me?

Maybe JP was right. Maybe I was stuck.

“What’s the matter Colton?” Mom asked, handing me a mug of tea before offering some to Lucy.

Lucy, who had a bulge of food in her cheek, shook her head.

Mom clucked her tongue. “It’s ‘no, thank you, Grandma Catherine.’ Mind your manners now.”

Lucy’s eyes shifted to mine again, like she was telepathically trying to tell me something.

Mom turned her attention back to me. “What were you about to say, honey?”

“Nothing. Just…” I rubbed my forehead, “thinking that maybe I should start dating again,” I said, testing the idea.

Mom threw her head back and cackled loudly like it was the most ridiculous thing she’d ever heard.

I rubbed my temples, trying to ignore the sting of that reaction.

Lucy twisted her mouth and looked between me and my mother, sensing tension.

“Where did that idea come from?” Mom pet my shoulder.

“I don’t know. Why not?”

She tilted her head, like she was about to lecture me. “You have Lucy and hockey to worry about. You don’t need anything else, honey. And by the way that game went last night, you could probably use a little more focus on hockey.”

I internally groaned. Here it goes. She was about to launch into a recap of every bad move I made last night. Instead of listening, I dipped my head and ate the rest of my brunch as quickly as possible.

“Everything’s going to be okay,” she finally told me. “Just be a little stronger with Lucy, alright?”

I shifted uncomfortably. I hated when she talked about Lucy like she wasn’t right at the table listening.

Lucy made a face at me, then shoved her last bite of food in her mouth.

Before leaving, I hung back in the hall with my mom while Lucy scampered to the foyer to pull her shoes on.

“Mom, you’ve gotta be a little warmer with Lucy,” I said quietly.

“Well, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said in a clipped tone, standing straighter and looking me up and down.

“C’mon Mom,” I said lightly. “You were insulting. She likes the nickname Lu, and she was already insecure about her hair.”

Mom rolled her eyes before taking a step closer to me and pulling my jacket together. “I guess I'm a terrible person and I should just shut up then.”

“Mom,” I groaned, dropping my head back.

“What?” she asked defensively. “I didn’t mean offense. I’m only trying to help because I love you two so much, you know that.”

“Yeah.” I breathed out a sigh and nodded tightly. “Okay.”

“Sorry,” she said, blowing out a breath. “I’m trying, I really am.”

I nodded, because what more could I really say. My mom had her issues, but her tough love came from a good place.

Silence descended in the car as we drove away from my mom’s house. I think we both needed a minute of reprieve.

Lucy wasn’t talkative again until we were eating our ice creams out by the Navy Pier. Chicago was having a decent October for once, and I wanted us to soak up every bit of sunlight before the gray winter descended upon us.

“She doesn't like me,” Lucy said plainly.

“Who?”

She licked her ice cream. “Grandma Catherine.”

My stomach knotted up. “No, she does. She loves you, honey.”

“No. She loves you . Not me. It’s okay. Not that many people like me,” she muttered quietly.

My heart felt like it was being sliced apart. Seeing her hurting made me physically ill. I just didn’t know how to make it better.

“That's not true, baby,” I tried. “So many people love you, okay? There’s just a few girls at school who are mean. But ya know what I think?”

She looked at me with a frown on her little face.

“I think maybe those mean girls are hurting too, so they hurt other people. And that stinks for them because they’ll end up pushing good people away. It’s their loss they don’t get to be friends with you, because you’re a really good friend. I should know. You’re my best friend.”

That made her smile and reach to hold my hand.

“And Grandma is just a little harsh. But she’s family. She does love us. And she sacrificed a lot for me when I was growing up. She brought me to all my practices and games and tournaments, it was a lot for her.”

Lucy shrugged. “I think she only likes boys. She’s…” She stuck her tongue out of the side of her mouth, thinking. “She’s sexist.”

I pulled back in shock. “Where’d you learn that word?”

“Kappy,” she said without hesitation, a little grin pulling at her mouth. “He says Hans is sexist because he’s nicer to the girls than the boys at the rink.”

I tried hard to keep a straight face. “Kappy was being a bonehead. The boys were probably causing trouble, so Hans got mad, he wasn’t being sexist.” I needed to change the subject. “You really don’t want a birthday party?”

She munched on some sprinkles and looked thoughtful for a second. “Can we have a party of just me, you, Uncle Kappy, and Uncle JP?”

“And not Grandma?” I winced. She wasn’t going to like that.

“Nope,” she said, popping the p . “Just the hooligans.” She grinned.

That made me chuckle. “Alright.” I patted Lucy’s head. “We’ll do that. Let’s just… not tell her, yeah?”

She reached out a fist for a knuckle punch to seal the deal.

The rest of Sunday, my thoughts kept drifting back to dating. When I finally had enough courage to download a dating app, my fingers hovered over the screen just long enough for Mer’s face to slam into my mind.

Fuck .

This specific mental block was worse than ever because I finally stood face-to-face with her again– and that was Hans’ fault. But the fact that deep down, my body still wanted her even after a decade apart… Yeah, that was my fault.

__________

When Monday morning finally rolled around, my body hummed with anticipation because I couldn’t wait to confront Hans, but I had to lock down those emotions and make sure Lucy was ready for school first.

She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes as she bounded down the stairs wearing her school uniform and holding a brush and two ponytails.

“Pancakes?” I offered.

Still only half-awake, she nodded and dragged a chair over to the counter where I’d already prepped the mix. I knew she loved helping me make them, so I always waited for her.

While she carefully poured the mix on the griddle and plopped the chocolate chips in the pancakes, I stole the brush and ponytails.

“Braids or just ponies today?” I asked her.

“Hmm… braids,” she decided.

Damnit. That was harder. Holding the ponytails between my lips, I got to work braiding the top of her hair ‘til I could end it in little ponies.

By the time the first batch of pancakes were flipped and finished, she screamed at the top of her lungs, “Kappy! Pancakes!”

Like many nights, Kappy had slept over in the living room. If he wasn’t here, he was at JP’s. I was starting to suspect he didn’t even have a place of his own anymore.

A minute later, Kap shuffled into the kitchen rubbing his face, his hair sticking up at odd angles.

“Get the orange juice out, Richard,” Lucy ordered. “You need some vitamin C so you don’t get sick again.”

I had to bite back a chuckle because I loved when she ordered him around. “Yes, you don’t want to get sick again, do you?”

He shot me a humorless look as he shuffled over to the fridge.

It wasn’t until we were all sitting around the kitchen table, peacefully eating our pancakes, that Lucy dropped the bomb on me.

“Do I get to go skating after school again today?” she asked, clasping her hands together in hope.

I paused mid-bite.

“Yeah, does she?” Kappy asked, grinning.

“I don’t know, honey.” I dropped my fork because my appetite vanished.

Her nose scrunched. “But… But you get to go skating today. Why can’t I go skating, too?”

Kappy crossed his arms over his chest and cocked his head to the side. “Yeah, I’m team Lu. That doesn’t seem fair to me.”

I ran my tongue over my teeth trying to reign in my annoyance with him, then focused back on Lucy. “We might try out a different rink this week, what do you think?”

“But why? I like skating on the same ice as you, Daddy.”

I dropped my head. How did I argue with that?

“We should try out a different coach, just to make sure you get the right one,” I said.

“But I like Coach Mer. She was really really nice.” She pouted her bottom lip out.

“Yeah, she’s really really nice,” Kappy repeated.

I shot him a glare.

“How about we talk about it after school, yeah?” I asked her.

Her shoulders fell and her eyes rounded with sadness. “Okay, but I had a lot of fun last time, Dad.”

“Yeah, she had a lot of fun, Dad,” Kappy added.

He was making this harder than it already was. I kicked him under the table, hard. He crunched forward to hold his shin, but his shoulders shook from laughing.

Now I was even more pissed at Hans because it was his fault that I was in this shitty position in the first place.

__________

An hour later, I threw open the Coliseum’s pro-shop door and stalked over the skate sharpening station where he was bent over the machine holding a pair of old Bauers.

“What’re you playing at?” I demanded.

Hans slowly powered down the machine and took off his glasses, then he just stared at me in disappointment, like he was mad at me.

“What?” I demanded, my nose flaring with an angry breath.

“Waiting for you to calm down.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

My eyes widened. “Calm down?” I pointed to my chest. “Me? Calm down?” I burst out. “You… You…” I was too frustrated to even form words.

“I?” he coaxed, arching an amused bushy old eyebrow. He started fiddling with his machine. It was then that I noticed his papery hands were slightly trembling.

My eyes drifted over him. He was getting older. Much older. His white hair was thinner. His face looked more gaunt than usual. His watery blue eyes looked tired. I hated seeing him look so… vulnerable.

I never thought of him as old, but reality just smacked me in the face. He was an old man.

And I was screaming at an old man.

An old man who’d always looked out for me.

But still, he crossed a line he had no business even touching.

“You know I love Lucy like a granddaughter,” he said suddenly.

I clenched my jaw. He was going right for the throat with that comment and he knew it. “I know you do.”

“And I’d want her to have the best coach.”

My chest heaved with a deep breath. “And you think that’s Mer?”

“Ms. Bennett was always the best, yes.”

If I hadn’t known he’d always called her that, it would’ve felt like a dig. Because we all thought she was going to be Mrs. Conover one day.

God, that hurt way more than it should have.

I’d wanted that more than anything else at one time in my life. At one point, I was ready to throw all of this away just to hold her. Sometimes, late at night when I couldn’t sleep and I was succumbing to worries, I wished that I had thrown it all away back then just so I had a teammate again.

But I couldn't go back.

Back then, I was a boy who had no responsibilities.

I had Lucy now.

She came before anything and anyone else in my life.

And now I was stuck.

Because Hans had a point: Mer would be the best figure skating coach for Lucy.

I stood there rubbing my jaw, still not ready to let go of the last of my anger. “You should’ve told me.”

He was back to his usual shrugging instead of using words, and that infuriated me. I paced the pro-shop because I couldn’t think straight.

“Did you tell her?” I demanded.

He just shrugged again.

No. He didn’t tell her either. She looked shocked when she saw me. She was caught off guard the same way I was. Well, it was probably worse for her. I had time to digest it while they were skating. She only had a couple seconds. I saw her genuine shock. Her body practically shook while she tugged at her collar.

Fuck.

I made her nervous.

And then I threw that money at her.

I squeezed my eyes shut. When I faced her on Friday, I was only thinking of the version of her that broke my heart. And maybe I wanted to punish her. Maybe I wanted her to feel even a fraction of the hurt that she put me through all those years ago. But now I regretted that move. I shouldn't have done that. Because the version of her that broke my heart… it didn’t match up with the girl I fell in love with. It didn’t match up with her .

“You shouldn't have done that,” Hans said, echoing my thoughts.

“Done what?” I played dumb.

“Whatever it is that made her cry,” he dropped in a thick voice.

My spine stiffened. I didn’t make her cry… Did I?

He gave me a sharp look. “Look at security footage if you want.”

Fuck. I didn’t want to. Not at all. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach.

“She’s just trying to do a job. That’s all,” Hans said. “Maybe you’re getting a little too big for your britches if you’re going after someone’s livelihood the way you did.”

I grit my teeth. I hated feeling like an asshole.

“Why are you so angry with me?” Hans asked suddenly.

“Why?” I asked incredulously. Was he serious?

“Yes. Why?”

I flung an arm out his way. “Because you just made me stand face to face with–” I stopped myself before I said something stupid like the love of my life.

“With?” he calmly asked.

“With Mer.” I dropped my hand.

“Mmm,” was all he said, but a knowing grin tugged at his old mouth. “Maybe you should figure out why you’re so angry with her .”

“Oh I know why I’m angry at her,” I said tersely. “She chose him over me. She threw what we had in the trash and never looked back, Hans.”

“Is that what happened now?” he muttered in a patronizing way. “And where is he?” he asked, glaring at me.

“Who the fuck knows!” I shouted, then immediately regretted it. “Who knows,” I said in a calmer tone.

He shook his head in disappointment. “I think you have some things wrong, son,” he muttered.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Hans?”

He fixed his glasses back on his face and picked up the skate he’d been working on.

I raked my hand over my hair, feeling completely exasperated.

My mind sifted back through the memories, back to that last winter we had together. Yeah, we were both struggling with things at the time, but I thought our relationship was solid enough to last through it. The breakup shocked me. And I never got the chance to fight her on it. I hadn't realized how much I still wanted that fight. How much I still needed that.

Hans was staring at me over the skate sharpener now, a small grin on his face. I hated his told-you-so face.

“Doesn't matter. It was a long time ago,” I muttered, trying to save face.

“If it doesn't matter,” he sighed, “then why aren’t you letting her coach your daughter? Because she’s the best coach you’re gonna get and you know it.”

Fuck. He had a point.

“And you made her cry. I didn’t like that.” He shook his head at me. “Not at all.”

He was rubbing it in. My chest felt like it was about to explode.

“Yeah, well, what do you want me to do about it?”

He fixed me with a dark look. “You know what you should do.”

Yeah, I knew what I should do, but I wasn’t ready to do it just yet. Heaving a deep sigh, I turned and stalked out of the pro-shop.

I went straight up the stairs to the workout room.

I needed to rid my body of this frustration, and the only way I knew how to do that was by working out.

For the next hour, I punished my body, working as hard as I could, trying to clear my head.

The only problem was that as the frustration left my body, it was quickly replaced by regret.

Because I broke another promise to her: I made her cry.

Balling my fists, I tried to reign in my emotions. I didn’t owe her anything anymore, so I'm not sure why I still cared so much.

But Hans’ voice echoed in my head– I think you have some things wrong, son .

What the hell was he playing at?

All I knew was that if I didn’t find out, I’d never be over her.

Before I could overthink it, I marched down to the front office on shaky legs and signed my daughter back up for lessons with Meredith.

My hand trembled as I penned Lucy’s name in for a 4:30pm lesson, then I shot off texts to the mothers of Charlotte and Sophia telling them that Mer was a solid coach and that we should give her another try. They’d probably think I was insane, but I didn’t give a shit.