Page 22 of Murder Most Haunted

Extract from They Do It With Strings podcast

‘The Tin House’: Episode Two

Noah: Welcome, Harold, and many thanks for joining me here in the amazing Edwardian kitchen of Atherton Hall. Let’s just take a moment to soak up this atmosphere, shall we? For the benefit of the listeners, how would you describe our surroundings?

Harold: Big.

Noah: And . . .?

Harold: Old.

Noah: Right. So, Harold, you’re the bus driver for the company that runs these tours . . .

Harold: That’s a common misconception. Technically, it’s a coach. It’s for longer distances and typically built for comfort, whereas a bus tends to cover shorter journeys.

Noah: Of course. Anyway, how many years have you been working for Haunting Holiday Excursions?

Harold: Uh . . . five now, yeah, five.

Noah: You must have seen a lot of activity in that time?

Harold: Oh God, yeah, there was this one stag do down in Newquay and I didn’t realize but they’d smuggled a stripper on . . .

Noah: Paranormal activity, I mean.

Harold: Oh, right. Well, no, then. I normally work on Rendell’s old lady tours. Not the haunted stuff.

Noah: And have you ever had any personal experience with the paranormal?

Harold: Ghosts and things? No . . . not really. I did see a UFO once, though.

Noah: That’s a separate area of study. We are paranormal investigators, not xenologists.

Harold: Oh, right. Well, let me think. Actually, you know, there is something strange. Every night, round about the same time, there’s this terrible scratching at our back door on the cat flap. Horrible sound it is, like nails down a blackboard. Absolutely sets your teeth on edge.

Noah: And?

Harold: And, well, Linda and I were saying it’s odd because our cat’s been dead for two years.

[Silence]

Harold: Course, it could be next door’s.

Noah: I’m not sure if you are trying to be funny or not, but my listeners take these investigations very seriously.

Harold: That’s exactly the problem with you kids today, no sense of humour!

God knows, we could do with releasing the tension a bit, eh?

But now we’ve got a whole generation that can only laugh when the internet tells them it’s funny.

My Linda is always saying they should bring back conscription, show you what life is really about.

Noah: I was in the cadets for a bit. I didn’t see much preparation for life . . . quite the opposite, in fact.

Harold: Dropped out, did you? Well, the army made a man out of me.

Noah: Anyway, how about when you were younger? Did you ever see any ghosts or unexplained phenomena then? Something that you look back on now and just can’t quite put your finger on?

Harold: You’re kidding, aren’t you? I grew up in a mining town. If I’d started going on about faeries and goblins, I’d have got my head kicked in.

Noah: But there are a lot of superstitions and things associated with mines, aren’t there?

Harold: Listen, my old man was a miner, and life was hard enough growing up without needing to make up stuff.

Even worse when the Tories started shutting down the pits.

Before your time, obviously, but that was one of my first driving jobs out of the army.

Driving the strike-breakers through the picket line.

Nearly broke my dad, me doing that. I saw some awful things. And the police were no better.

Noah: But you’ve spent the last few years working for a policeman, haven’t you?

[Pause]

Harold: Yeah, well, what is it they say? Needs must when the devil drives.