Page 12

CHAPTER 12

KNOX

I feel so fucking guilty.

After all my promises of keeping Lark safe, I’m the one who put her in danger.

Shit.

Why didn’t I think about Ric being a threat?

I’m supposed to be a security expert. I’m trained in assessing risk. After almost twenty years of facing off against people who wanted to kill me, how could I have missed this?

But I know how.

I was so focused on Lark’s case, on locating the man who shot her, I never considered danger could come from someplace else. From someone else.

From my own damn employee. A man who worked for me for almost a year.

Shit.

I didn’t want to fire him, but he forced my hand. After missing work, showing up hungover, and then breaking into a job site and passing out, he left me no choice. But when I gave him the news, he didn’t seem angry about it. He said he understood.

It was probably the drugs. That’s what Lark suggested on the ride back to her place; once the police came and we gave our statements and were cleared to leave. “Drugs can make people do crazy things,” she said. “There was no way to know he’d react like that.”

But I should have anticipated it.

I shouldn’t have left Lark alone in that house.

I should have kept better tabs on Ric after I fired him.

Could have. Should have. The end result is I fucked up, and Lark was traumatized all over again.

“Knox.” Lark comes up beside me and puts her hand on my arm. She gazes out the kitchen window at the stretch of snow before the trees, glimmering white and gold as the sun hits it. “Are you okay?”

Turning off the water, I set the glass I’m rinsing in the drain. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.” I face her and ask, “Are you okay?”

Her brows arch into a worried V, and a tiny line etches between them. “I’m okay. I told you that.”

But how could she be? She had a freaking gun pointed at her. Again.

“You don’t have to pretend you’re okay to make me feel better.”

“I’m not.” Lark cocks her head as she looks at me. Her hair is still damp from her shower, more auburn than red, and it glints ruby and copper as the sun hits it. She has no makeup on, and the tiny spray of freckles across her nose and cheeks makes her look ten years younger than her thirty-four. She looks sweet and vulnerable, but there’s a lift to her chin that shows a strength she shouldn’t have had to rely on.

I should have protected her better. She shouldn’t have had to be strong today.

And she was. Facing off against Ric, against the very thing she has nightmares about, without panicking. Not just that, but she drew him out. Distracted him long enough for me to take him down without any bloodshed.

There would have been, if it had come to that. When I walked into the dining room and saw Ric holding a gun on my girlfriend, I almost lost it. Seeing Lark’s pale face, her eyes wide with fear, how she was shaking as she stood there…

Shit.

It took every bit of restraint to use non-lethal moves to neutralize him. But it’s one thing for Lark to know I’ve killed men—it’s another for her to actually see it.

And there’s a small part of me that feels sorry for Ric. I can’t erase the memories from before he started using, when he was just a nice guy who would bring donuts to the work site without being asked or sing U2 songs off key until the rest of the crew begged him to stop.

Fucking drugs.

Just… this whole thing fucking sucks.

“Knox.” Lark slips her hand inside mine. “Come with me.”

“Where?”

“Just in here.” She leads me into the living room and over to the couch, tugging me down beside her .

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask. “Or do you want to try to set up a meeting with your counselor? I could see if Winter’s available?—”

“No.” She shifts so she’s turned toward me, her knees pressed against mine. “It’s not your fault, Knox. What happened back there; I know you’re blaming yourself. But it wasn’t your fault.”

My jaw clenches. “Yes, it was. Ric came looking for me. You shouldn’t have been involved at all. He saw my truck there, and just… It was my idea to bring you there. Mine. And I put you in danger.”

Frowning, she says, “That’s not true. It was a fluke. We went to the Edwardsons’ house, which was a totally normal thing to do. There was no way to know Ric would be driving by, high as a kite, with a gun in his truck that you knew nothing about.”

The guilt is suffocating. “I should have checked on him. Made sure.”

“No.” Her voice firms. “I’ve fired people, Knox. Unfortunately, when you’re in charge of other employees, it happens. If the person I’m firing acts erratic at the time, I might tell security about it. But I certainly wouldn’t expect to be—” She pauses as a shiver runs through her. “I would never expect to have that employee do what Ric did.”

“He seemed okay with it,” I say. “When I let him go. I even offered to let him come back if he could prove he was clean.”

Lark catches my hands, wrapping her fingers around mine. “You couldn’t have known. And look at us. We’re fine. I’m fine.”

“But your nightmares. ”

“I have them already.”

Pain spears through me. “But they shouldn’t be because of me, Lark. I swore I’d keep you safe?—”

“You did.” Her eyes burn into mine. “I’m not going to lie and say it wasn’t scary. But I knew you could handle him. And I absolutely do not blame you for it. Not for a second.”

Emotion wells up so quickly I can’t speak for a moment. Throat thick, I finally manage, “I feel like I let you down.”

“Oh, no. No.” Lark drops my hands and climbs onto my lap. “Never. You didn’t.” Pain laces her words. “Please don’t ever think that, Knox. It’s not true.”

I’m torn between feeling so damn lucky to have found such an incredible woman and guilty for not protecting her like I promised. And my emotions are all tangled up in a way I’ve never felt before.

At a loss for words, I wrap my arms around her and press my lips to her head, breathing in the vanilla-rose scent that will always remind me of Lark. And I let myself think about the things I still carry guilt over from years ago.

Lark doesn’t speak, she just hugs me hard, like she thinks she can infuse her strength into me by sheer force of will.

Maybe she can.

As we sit here, I have to wonder. If Lark is strong enough to face her demons, shouldn’t I be strong enough to do the same?

And more importantly, if we’re going to have the kind of future I want to have together, doesn’t she deserve to know everything about me? The good and the bad?

So I draw in a breath and let it out slowly, then admit, “I’m terrified of letting you down, Lark. It’s my greatest fear. That I’ll end up hurting you somehow. Either by something I do, or by missing something important. Something life or death.”

“What?” Her head pops up so quickly she almost smashes me in the chin. “Why would you think that?”

“It’s why I didn’t ask you out sooner. Months ago. Because I’m a coward?—”

“No, you are not.” Scowling, she smacks me on the arm. “Don’t you dare say that. You’re not.”

“I’ve let people down before. People I cared about.”

Her expression shifts immediately, softening with concern. “Is that really true? Or is it just what you tell yourself?”

I don’t know. Before, I thought they were one in the same. But maybe they’re not.

Turning Lark on my lap, I hold her gaze as I say, “I thought it was true. I think it is.”

“I feel guilty about Vinnetti. It feels real in my head. But you and Enzo and all these other people say I’m wrong. So…” She gives a tiny shrug. “Maybe it’s like that. Could you tell me? So I understand?”

A pit settles in my stomach. That band around my chest tightens another few notches. “Well. One of the people I let down was my Green Beret teammate. Rhiannon.”

“She’s out in Texas, right?”

“Yes. She’s working for a security company out there. With a couple of my old teammates, actually.” Taking a breath, I continue, “Rhi was one of the first female Green Berets. So it was tough for her. Even though she was just as skilled as the men she worked with. More skilled than many of them, really.”

Lark nods, understanding in her gaze, silently urging me to continue.

“She never let it get her down, though. The rude comments. The rolled eyes. The guys who’d snub her just because she was a woman. And over time, it seemed like things had settled down. That the majority of the guys accepted her.”

“But?”

Shaking my head, I say, “I had no idea. We had no idea.” My jaw clenches. “For almost two years, Rhiannon was being harassed. Physically. Sexually. By the commander of our battalion.”

At Lark’s confused expression, I explain, “Our superior. Colonel Allen. He used his authority to keep Rhi quiet. Threatened her if she told anyone. He even implied he’d screw with the team. Split it up. Hurt our careers. So she didn’t say anything.”

“Knox. That’s awful. But how is that your fault?”

“I should have realized. By the end, Rhi was getting physically ill from the stress. I should have noticed my teammate was suffering. But I had no idea. None of us on the team did until she told us she was separating from the Army. Allen was pressing her to do something”—my molars almost shatter—“she wasn’t willing to do. And she didn’t want the team punished as a result. We finally convinced her to turn him in, but she left anyway. Her heart wasn’t in it anymore. After that, mine wasn’t either. ”

Lark stares at me, her lips pressed into a frown. “That really sucks. And I understand why you would be upset. But it’s not your fault.”

“I should have?—”

“No. Speaking as a woman, we are good at keeping secrets. If Rhiannon didn’t want anyone on your team to know, chances are, you wouldn’t. And…” Her eyes soften with compassion. “She obviously cared about you guys so much. So what she did, she did to protect you.”

“But we should have protected her. Had her six.”

After a long pause, Lark says, “I get that. But don’t take away what Rhiannon did. I know you feel bad. But she made the choice. Let her have that. If the positions were reversed, would you want your teammates feeling guilty about a decision you made?”

On an exhale, I admit, “No. I wouldn't.”

“Maybe you should talk to her about it. Or your old teammates. It might help.”

“Maybe.”

Her gaze assessing, Lark asks, “Is that why you’re afraid of letting me down?”

“It’s part of it.” Gut twisting, I reach back further in my memories and drag the worst of them out. “The other part… was my friend, Fitz. We met in Basic, served as Rangers together for over a year. And when I decided to try for the Green Berets, he did too.”

With a small smile, I add, “Fitz was great. He was this friendly, easygoing guy. Everyone liked him. And he was good. He breezed through the qualification course like it was nothing. But…”

“But? ”

“I worried about him. He was so kind-hearted, I didn’t know how he’d handle it when he finally had to kill someone. It’s hard.”

Shit. As I look into Lark’s wide hazel eyes, I worry I said too much. “I mean?—”

“It’s okay. I get it.”

“We were assigned to different battalions. I went to Kentucky, and he went off to North Carolina. Then things got really busy. We tried to stay in touch as much as we could, but either I was overseas, or he was.”

“That seems normal, though?”

“I guess. But I wish I’d tried harder to keep tabs on him.” Regret expands in my chest, making it hard to breathe. “It had been a couple of months. And then… I got a message from his mother. Fitz…”

Shit.

Her voice is gentle. Soothing. “What, Knox?”

“He killed himself.”

Tears spring to Lark’s eyes. “Oh, Knox. I’m so sorry.”

“I feel so damn guilty about it. If I’d only called him more. Or… I don’t know. Done something.”

“Knox.” She strokes my beard as she looks at me, her forehead creased in thought. “That’s horrible. And I can’t even imagine how painful it must have been. How much it still hurts now. But it was not your fault. He had his own team watching out for him, and they didn’t see. His family didn’t even know. How were you supposed to when you weren’t even in the same country?”

“I don’t know. But we were friends. I?—”

“No. I understand feeling bad. But I promise, it was not your fault. Fitz made a choice. Was it a good one? No. But Knox, if you had talked to him, do you really think he would have told you what he was thinking? Or do you think he would have said everything was fine?”

Thinking back, I remember Fitz always smiling, always so positive. “He would have said everything was great. Even if it wasn’t.”

“Do you think he would want you blaming yourself?”

“No. I know he wouldn’t.”

“So…” Turning, Lark straddles me, tucking her legs up on either side of my waist. “Why are you hanging on to the blame? The guilt?”

Looking into her solemn gaze, I reply, “I don’t know. What you’re saying makes sense. It’s just?—”

“It’s hard to make your brain believe it. Like how I feel guilty about what happened, even though everyone else says it’s not my fault.” She pauses. “What if… you keep telling me until I believe, and I’ll do the same for you? I’ll remind you every day if it helps.”

Oh.

Shit.

This feeling inside me.

It’s bigger and more intense than anything I’ve experienced before.

I care about my teammates. I’d even say I love them.

But this.

Words can’t describe it.

“Songbird.” My voice is gruff. Thick. “I would love that.”

She leans forward, framing my face with her small hands as she meets my gaze. “I told you, I would do anything for you, Knox. Maybe I can’t take someone down with a bunch of crazy moves?—”

“It was just simple self-defense.”

“It looked pretty crazy to me. And anyway. I mean it. I know you’re this tough guy and you can take care of yourself, but… I want to take care of you, too.”

My nose prickles. I haven’t shed a tear since my father left, but somehow, Lark’s words… “Songbird.”

Lark presses a soft kiss to my lips. “I feel protective of you. I can’t explain it better than that. There’s just this feeling like… I can’t be happy unless you are.”

“Sweetheart.” I cup her nape, tunneling my fingers through her hair, and kiss her again. “I feel the same way.”

After a few seconds of silence, Lark says tentatively, with a hint of worry in her eyes, “This thing we have. It’s… special. Like we’re meant for each other. I’m not the only one feeling it, am I?”

My heart.

“You’re not the only one. This is special. You’re special.”

And I think, for the first time in my life, I’m falling in love.