Page 252 of Mountain Grump

Me: Thanks for bringing me lunch today, Starlight.

Wife: Anything to see you in your fancy hat.

Wife: Can you pick up some duck food when you’re in town tomorrow?

Me: Yes. But I’m coming over tonight, remember?

Wife: I remember, but I don’t want to forget about the duck food.

Me: Do you want to go out for burgers tomorrow night?

Wife: Duh.

Me: There’s also a bake sale this weekend.

Wife: If you don’t take me, I’ll be upset.

Me: You didn’t even know about it until now.

Wife: And?

Me: Solid point.

Wife: Did you order this?

Wife: This is the longest floor mat I’ve ever seen in my life.

Me: That’s for the bedroom.

Wife: It’s a kitchen floor mat.

Me: It’s for my side of the bed. In the bedroom.

Wife: Are you serious?

Me: I’m seriously sick of busting my ass on the wood floor.

Me: Can you tell me if there’s an outlet on the front of your house?

Wife: It’s a little early for holiday decorations.

Me: But not too early to put that fountain you wanted in the duck pool.

Wife: Don’t joke about this.

Me: Hand to Quackers.

Wife: I just looked. There’s one by the door.

Chapter 139

Tilda

Hot Husband: If you come to the Visitor Center before three today, you can see a hawk.

Me: What kind of hawk?

Me: Don’t answer that.