Page 25

Two days later

T here was a desperate need within her to keep moving.

As the clock ticked down closer to her engagement ball, the idea of sitting and waiting for the inevitable was excruciating.

So, she pulled on the loose linen gown she used to practice while they were in the London house and went out into the garden.

She’d imagined that facing the reality of her choice would give her strength and clarity, and perhaps it had.

What she hadn’t prepared for was the desolation which had set in her spirit.

Bharatanatyam in her mind was linked to prayer, a full body meditation that allowed her to inspire herself to be more than she believed she could be.

But there was no point in asking for the removal of obstacles.

All she could hope for was the strength to endure without losing her purpose or herself in the wilderness she had chosen.

She chose a veneration to Durga, the feminine divine, focusing her energy into all her faces and forms, her strength, her softness, her brutality.

To be all things to all beings as the occasion called for it with a firm center.

She would dance until the goddess gave her strength.

Until the endless void in her chest was filled with something, anything.

Warmth filled her limbs as she began. Counting out the beat in her mind moving her body through the forms. There was a deep satisfaction in feeling the stretch of her muscles as her limbs obeyed her dictates.

Moving from Dandapaksha to Parvathy Hasta, balancing on one knee as she knelt on the ground or standing on one foot with the other folded onto her knee.

Moving into a deep lunge with her hands positioned to hold her mighty spear.

Her muscles were on fire now, her lungs pushing oxygen into her body, forcing it to keep moving in a desperate attempt to keep her moving.

But her strength was fading, and that emptiness was still there, that feeling that somehow despite all her efforts she would be left with nothing but regret in a lonely cage.

Like an exotic bird. There was no doubt in her mind that he saw her as an unusual creature he’d inherited.

Pretty only because it was controlled. The fear kept swelling in her belly and she didn’t have a way to stop it.

“Regina.” She looked up to see her father watching her. His arms were folded, leaning against the gazebo. Had he been there long? She hadn’t seen him or her mother since her outburst the day before. She straightened her legs and walked towards him.

“Baba.”

“It’s time for you to get ready.”

Already? She looked around her taking in the twilight shadows. She didn’t know how long she’d spent dancing. Hours certainly. All to no avail. She was tired, dripping with sweat but without peace.

“Yes, baba.” She sat down and untied her ghungroos before slinging them over her shoulder and following him back to the house.

“How are you?” he asked. It wasn’t the first time he had spoken to her since her outburst, but it was the first time he had inquired about her.

“I am as well as I can be. Are you angry with me?” she asked.

“Angry about what?” He frowned at her in confusion.

“About what I said.”

He sighed and shook his head. “Not angry, no. Your mother is upset but I can’t tell with whom.” He walked in silence for a moment. “Do you feel that we failed you? That I failed you?”

It was a difficult question to answer. How could she explain that she had known that for all their love for her, they would contract her out in a marriage without her consent or even her input for the sake of social advancement.

She had chosen to see herself as the extension of her father’s love for her mother and sister.

His red tasseled spear. But there had also been times when she had resented not being afforded any protection at all.

“I know that you love me, baba, that you love all of us.”

“Thank you, rani, but that’s not what I asked.”

“Do you believe that you failed me?”

“Not sporting at all, turning my question back on me.”

“I’m not trying to be unfair, baba. I’m trying to understand the question.”

He nodded but stopped walking. “I suppose I never allowed myself to think too much about what you were feeling. We had our own bond, and I imagined it was enough. I tried to spend time with you outside of everything else, you know, with the fencing and the shooting. But now I wonder if I was trying to make up for things. I’d taken your chance to have a season like every other girl your age, to find love in your own time.

I deprived you of your name, your culture and interests in the name of giving you something more valuable.

But I never asked who it was more valuable for.

“You were always spirited and mischievous, but you never fought back against the engagement, not really. You seemed to accept things. So, perhaps it was more convenient to let myself believe you didn’t have those feelings because you didn’t speak of them.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you or make you worry.”

“Yes, but I didn’t want to hurt you either.

And I have. We both have. It is no secret that I wanted you to marry the baron to protect your mother and sister, and you understood that well.

But you are also my daughter. You also deserved that protection and consideration.

Convenience isn’t a good enough excuse for denying you.

You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, even if we didn’t enjoy hearing it. ”

“I meant what I said. I understand the reasons and I am willing to marry him, even if I am not delighted by the prospect.”

“I can’t help but notice you still haven’t answered my question.”

Damn. “No, baba, I don’t believe that you failed us. You did your best for us, but you are only one man after all. You would never have been able to protect all of us from everything.”

“Do you think I should have protected you more than your mother, because you are our child?”

“Sometimes. But I also know that there was no correct answer, not really. There still isn’t. That is why I want to help you, even if it is like this.”

He smiled at her, but she could tell he was less than convinced. “Go on and get ready, choti rani.”

She nodded and walked away wondering if she would ever be able to repair what she’d damaged.

*

It’s worth it for them. It will be worth it for them.

That was the mantra Regina had been repeating in her mind from the moment she arrived at Harley House, the London residence of Aunt Theo.

She was dressed in a sumptuous gown of orchid purple silk, trimmed at the sleeves and bodice with blonde lace and pearls and blue silk irises.

Her hair was curled and fashioned into a fashionable coiffure, decorated with blue irises to match her dress.

The party was a sincere effort from Aunt Theo, and the old dear had rallied enough to host it with Mr. Upton wheeling her about the room.

Regina was grateful for her kindness. She was.

But after one hour with her fiancé she was ready to run screaming into the night.

He was such a slimy piece of work. Her parents had stayed near her at first, but in no time his mother had taken her away, which left Regina on her own.

Elodia had been there as well but after Mr. Harrison had all but threatened her, she had maintained her distance.

Even her hot-tempered friend had understood that standing her ground then could lead to reprisals for Regina after.

Again Regina was grateful for her discretion, but she had never felt more isolated in her whole life.

Now she stood beside her husband to be, again at the edges of the ballroom, smiling at the well wishers and wishing passionately that she was anywhere else.

Or that the rapture would come and snatch her away.

Or that a fire would break out.

Anything.

He didn’t dance with her, although he’d taken to the dance floor at least three times before this. After Elodia he’d elected to stick to her like a gloating, maddening barnacle.

“You seem unusually quiet tonight, my dear,” Mr. Harrison said. Regina forced herself to smile.

I’m not your ‘dear’. “Do I?”

“Is there something amiss?” It would have been a sincere question if he had bothered to look at her when he asked it.

“How could there be?” she asked, tightening her grip on her wrist.

He watched her for a moment, annoyance warring with his practiced civility. “You tell me.”

“I am fine.”

“I thought an English upbringing would have cured you of that strain of dishonesty.”

“I don’t know why you would think that.” The English in particular wielded their dishonesty as a matter of national pride in the name of politeness.

He slid his arm behind her and squeezed her waist hard. “I see I have some conquering to do still.”

It was ridiculous to pick a fight with him. What was the point of it? What would she gain? “I am sorry. Perhaps I am a little tired. I danced a little too long tonight before coming here.”

“Did you indeed?”

“I did. I am a little short tempered but not because of anything you have done tonight.”

He smiled but said nothing, the coldness in his eyes turning to fascination. “Interesting.”

“What is?”

“You think you have us all fooled, don’t you?

You are good at playing the virtuous lady, but I know your kind and I am up to the task of you.

I’ve agreed to this marriage partly in consideration of the years you spent waiting.

You are a rare and exotic jewel, a point of uniqueness among the homogenous.

That pleases me. But if needed, I can and will replace you.

Don’t forget Miss Mason, I am the prize in this scenario, not you.

It would be in your best interests to keep me happy. Understood?”

She swallowed past the sickly lump in her throat, her gaze dropping to his shoulder, anywhere but the wasteland of his eyes. “Yes, sir.”