Page 15 of Misfit (Starshine)

“ A rlon?”

He blinked aching red eyes, drawing his head up from where he’d buried it against his arms. He was sitting on the floor against Fawn’s bed, but before he could get to his feet, Fawn sank down to join him.

Her hand cupped his cheek, and even though he thought he’d privately shed every tear he had, she proved him wrong.

“Fuck,” he muttered, scrubbing angrily at his cheeks.

“What’s wrong, a’marra ?”

“Did Garrett and Bridgette talk to you?” he asked, though he dreaded the answer.

“They did,” she said. “They were looking for you everywhere.”

Arlon swore, burying his face against his arms again. Fawn moved to sit beside him, pressing against his side. Her warmth was an unwelcome comfort.

“What happened?” she asked.

“You already know.”

“I want to hear your experience.”

Arlon swallowed the knot in his throat. “We had sex, and it was… intense, and I-I ran off. They both tried to ask me what was wrong, but I just… left them.”

Fawn’s arm wound around his to grab his hand. “Why?”

He kept his face buried against his arms as his tears spilled over anew. “Because I’m so fucking scared.”

Fawn’s long fingers landed gently against his back, and he couldn’t help but flinch. “Scared of what?”

He couldn’t stand her touch. Not now. He lurched to his feet. “Of losing you!” He swore and started to pace, fingers dragging roughly through his hair. “Of losing them!”

Fawn didn’t miss the slip of his words, and all at once, she seemed to realize the reason he’d kept her at an arm’s length recently. Her gown whispered as she got to her feet, coming to stand in his path.

“Arlon.” Something in her tone stopped his pacing, but he couldn’t bear to face her. “Look at me.”

There was no command of hers he couldn’t obey. He turned, his heart aching as he looked at her through tear-blurred eyes. She closed the distance between them before she took his hands.

“You know better than most that loss is a part of life, a’marra ,” Fawn said.

“I’m a diviner, but I can’t see all that the future holds.

I can’t tell you that we won’t grow apart someday, even break off what we have.

I can’t swear that you will always have Garrett and Bridgette beside you.

I can’t promise that you will get a happily ever after.

There are no guarantees with love, Arlon. ”

Arlon’s eyes spilled over again. It was every fear, every doubt confirmed. He’d loved so few people in his life, and every last one of them, through death or betrayal, had left a wound in him. How could the Crux be any different? Fawn’s mark was already visible in the scar across his chest .

“But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try .

” Fawn’s hands tightened around his, and something in the touch helped ground him a little.

“No matter what form love takes, it isn’t a tree you plant and expect to prosper.

It’s a garden that has to be maintained, and you are only able to do so much of that labor.

Some things are simply out of your control. ”

Fawn gave a small, humorless laugh. “ Everything we do at the Crux is a risk. When we make friends, make love, make magic , we put our hearts on the line.” Her hand reached up to cup his cheek, and it was only then he saw the unshed tears in her eyes.

“What you have to decide is if that risk is worth the potential hurt.”

Arlon’s words died in his throat as he looked at her. He’d gotten used to seeing the woman behind the Grandmaster. But when he looked at her now, he saw someone who had suffered loss just as much as he had. For the first time, he could see her invisible scars like an echo of his own.

“Is it worth it?” he asked, his voice shaking.

Fawn’s thumb stroked his cheek, but somehow, the tears lining her eyes only made her smile brighter. Like sunlight shining through storm clouds. “Only you can answer that for yourself, a’marra . But in my experience?” She gave a small laugh. “Yes. Always.”

A rlon found Garrett and Bridgette later that night. When he knocked on the door to Bridgette’s room, it swung open almost immediately. Garrett’s expression changed from worry to relief to uncertainty in the blink of an eye .

“Arlon, I?—”

Arlon shook his head. “No, let me talk first,” he said, afraid he’d lose his nerve if he didn’t.

Garrett looked no less uncertain, but he nodded before he stepped back to allow Arlon into the room.

Bridgette was sitting on the bed, her hair still wet from the baths, but she offered Arlon a small smile as he entered.

Garrett took a seat next to her, and Arlon noticed that it was bigger than the bed in his room. Made for two rather than one.

That realization burrowed into his mind, making him feel like an intruder as he pulled the chair from their desk and took a seat. He swore quietly as he dragged his fingers through his hair, his foot bouncing an anxious rhythm against the floor as he tried to find the words to start.

“I’m sorry for running off,” he said at last. “That wasn’t fair to either of you to leave you like that. Realization just… kind of hit me, and I panicked.”

“Realization about what?” Bridgette asked, her voice gentle.

Arlon kept his eyes on the floor rather than looking at the two of them. He swallowed the lump in his throat before he said, “That I care about you two. A lot.”

“If you’re afraid the feeling isn’t mutual, don’t be,” Garrett said before his lips quirked into a small grin. “We care about you, too.”

Arlon shook his hanging head even as warmth filled him at the easy admission. “No, that’s not it.” He let out a long breath before saying, “I’m not used to… getting close to people. Getting close means getting hurt, and I’m…”

His voice trailed off, but on the bed, Bridgette shifted. Her soft footsteps crossed the short distance to the desk before she took a seat on its surface. She finished his thought for him. “You’re afraid of getting hurt again.”

He nodded, and Bridgette hummed before she rested an arm over his shoulder, leaning close. “You know, when you picked that first fight with Garrett in the transmutation yard, I remember thinking you were either the bravest or stupidest person I’d ever met.”

Garrett’s chuckle rumbled from the bed, and Arlon couldn’t help a short, surprised huff of a laugh. Bridgette grinned at him but continued, one finger toying with a strand of his hair. “Were you afraid then?”

“Terrified,” Arlon admitted.

Garrett shifted off the bed and sank to crouch in front of Arlon, arms draped over his folded knees. “I knew I had rattled you. Didn’t think I’d see you again, but then you found me the next day. Not just that, but you asked me to teach you.”

Arlon frowned. “So?”

Something sad lurked in Garrett’s wry smile. “So, running away is easy. Confronting the thing that made you do it is a lot harder, but you did it anyway. Now, you’re doing it again.”

Before he could form a response, Bridgette turned him to face her with a finger under his chin. “I’ll tell you my biggest fears about all this if you tell me yours.”

Arlon let out a shuddering breath, steeling himself before he nodded. Bridgette cupped his cheek, her smile faint and a little nervous.

“I’ve had a lot of lovers in my life, but until earlier today, Garrett’s only ever been with me,” she said, and Arlon straightened in surprise.

“I’m afraid that as he starts branching out into the Crux, he’ll realize marrying me was a mistake.

That he rushed into it with me. That maybe he’d be happier being with someone else. ”

Garrett tsked before he reached out to grab Bridgette’s free hand, squeezing gently.

Arlon looked between the two of them with wide eyes. “Am I the first man you’ve ever had sex with?”

Garrett nodded as he rubbed the back of his head, looking sheepish. “Was it alright?”

Arlon let out a small laugh, his shoulders relaxing a bit. “Better than I ever thought it could be. Still think I prefer being on top, though.”

“I still haven’t quite found where I fit in with casting and conduiting,” Garrett admitted.

“But, gods, there’s a lot I want to try.

I’m just new to… all of this, and I’m afraid I’m going to fuck it up.

Fuck up my relationship with you and Bri by making some stupid mistake.

When you left earlier, I was afraid I’d already done it. ”

Arlon swallowed as he looked between the two of them, finding familiarity in both of their fears.

That fear of rejection, of making mistakes.

The fear of getting hurt by someone you care about.

He mustered his own courage before he said, “I’m afraid that if I get any closer to you two, o-or to Fawn, you’ll all realize that I’m still the same person Vian made me.

I’m afraid that if you know me, you won’t want anything to do with me. ”

Garrett took his hand. “We already know you.”

Bridgette pressed a gentle kiss to Arlon’s temple. “We just want to know you this way, too.”

Arlon looked between the two of them. That same pit he’d felt in the dungeon opened in front of him again, vast and unknown. Before, he had been convinced he would shatter at the bottom. Now, he was starting to think that maybe, just maybe, someone would be there to catch him.

“Yeah,” he said on a shaky breath. “Yeah, I’d like that, too.”