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NOW

Sophie felt embarrassed sometimes when she thought about how she’d treated Will back then. Grief did odd things to you, true. But it was no excuse for pushing him away the way she had. Looking out at the white, brightening sky outside the window, she thought back to that morning in November when she’d sent him away.

‘Actually, I need to speak with you,’ Sophie said as Will tied the boat to its mooring. He looked up at her, his forehead wrinkling, eyes wide.

‘Yeah?’

She nodded, feeling slightly teary. She pulled her warm coat around her, her arms still aching from the morning’s rowing. She was getting good at it; had begun to look forward to their sessions twice a week. It would be sad to leave it behind.

They walked back to the clubhouse. It was still only seven and they often went to get a coffee and warm up afterwards, before she disappeared home to shower and get ready for work, and he did the same. This time, the walk felt awkward, the silence between them growing as she struggled to find the right way to say it.

‘Will, I don’t think I can do this any more.’

He turned to her. ‘But you’re getting so good at it! Today, I mean, you were amazing. I was actually going to suggest…’

‘No, Will. Not the rowing. This,’ she said, waving her hand between them. ‘You and me.’

‘What do you mean?’

After the kiss, he’d pulled away; neither of them had mentioned it outright since. They’d continued as they always had, meeting at five, rowing, talking, laughing together. But with this unanswered question hanging between them. She’d sensed he’d been waiting for her to bring it up.

‘Look, Will,’ Sophie put her hand on his arm and they both stopped walking. ‘I think you’re amazing. A great friend, an above-average rower,’ she grinned – but it was not returned. ‘Just… I don’t think I can carry on meeting up like this. It’s just… it doesn’t feel right.’

‘Why not? I don’t understand. Have I upset you? Was it… the other day?’

She shook her head. ‘No. Well, yes, but not in the way you think.’

He looked at her, waiting for her to clarify.

‘I wanted you to kiss me. The other day. I… I suppose I’d been waiting for it in a way. For something to happen between us. We’ve got close, we get on. And I’d begun to feel…’ She shrugged, not quite sure how to say it.

‘Well, me too.’ He stepped towards her, but she took a small step back. He looked at her, incredulous.

‘Will, I can’t.’

‘It’s fine, we can just…’

‘No, Will. I can’t be with you like that. It’s too much, too soon. And it feels – I’m so mixed up because of Tom and…’ She trailed off.

‘It’s fine,’ he said, running a hand through his hair. ‘Look, Sophie. I get it. We’re friends. And if you’re never ready for anything else, well, friends is enough. It really is. Seriously.’

She shook her head. ‘I can’t, Will. I can’t even be your friend right now.’

‘But why not?’ He put a hand on her arm. ‘Rowing together doesn’t mean anything. And it’s been good for you – for me too. I can talk to you so easily. Please don’t do this.’

‘I just… I need space,’ she said. ‘Because I do want more. When you kissed me… But I can’t, Will. You have to understand.’

And she picked up her pace and walked away from him. She heard his footsteps on the ground just behind her, but she didn’t turn. Eventually, he stopped, let her go. When she got to her car and opened the door, she finally allowed herself to glance back. But by that time, he’d disappeared into the building and other than a few other rowers meandering along the Cam, she was completely alone.

Although she’d never been alone, not truly. She saw that now. She’d missed Tom so viscerally back then that it had been impossible to see clearly how many people she had holding her up.