Page 35 of Merry & Bright

Already, Sam’s bravado was fading. “That’s not what I meant.”

“No? What then?”

An urge to unload, to pour out all his insecurities, overcame Sam. So what if he admitted how bad things had got? It wasn’t like Nick hadn’t worked it out for himself anyway.

You were struggling for a while there, and we both know it.

Sam threw back the rest of his G&T and set the glass down. “All my life I’ve worked hard. I did well at school, read law at university—even managed to scrape a first somehow. I landed a training contract in one of the top City firms. I had to work like a dog, of course, but that was okay because it was all part of the plan. I had my life all figured out. I was going to be a partner in a City firm one day.” He swallowed hard. “There was just one problem... I didn’t make the grade. Once my training was up, they—let me go.”

Nick frowned. “City firms aren’t everything, Sam.”

“All I know is I worked my arse off for them for two years, and at the end of it, they didn’t want to keep me. Rupert—the partner I worked for—said I wasn’t ‘Hendrick Blackstone material’. He said I was too nice, that I didn’t have the ‘killer instinct’ they wanted.”

“He sounds like a dick.”

Sam gave a hollow laugh. “Yeah, he was. But there must have been some truth in what he said because I couldn’t get anything else in the City after I left. That’s when I started to look further afield. And then I got the job at M&H.” He paused. “I figured it would be an easy gig. Something to keep me occupied while I looked for something more challenging. Pretty arrogant, eh?”

Nick was quiet for a moment. “I can see why you might think it would be easier than what you were used to.”

“Yeah, well. I learned how wrong I was. I thought I was such a hotshot, but it turned out I’d been doing mostly grunt work when I was training. I was totally unprepared for working at M&H. Mike wanted me to run my own caseload, see clients by myself, appear in court. I’d never done anything like that.” He shook his head. “I’d had this idea that I’d walk in and show everyone how it was done. What a dick.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re not the first guy to learn he doesn’t know it all. At least youdidlearn it.”

“Oh, I learned it all right. I learned that I couldn’t do the job I was hired for”—Sam let out a long, hard breath, then added—“And I still can’t.”

And there it was, the beginning and end of it. The big, awful secret he’d not even been able to admit to himself till right this minute. And weirdly, instead of feeling worse for saying the words aloud, he was almost light with relief.

Poor Nick looked horrified though.

“Sam,” he said, his dark eyes troubled. “That’s not true. You’re intelligent and capable—”

“Oh, it’s true, all right. And I know that for a fact because I took over from Wonder Boy himself, aka Nick Foster. I’ll never measure up to you. It’s alwaysNick would have done it this wayorNick got on great with that client. Anything I do, you did it ten times better.”

The silence that followed that comment was uncomfortable.

“Don’t be daft,” Nick said, at last, weakly.

“I’m not being daft. It’s all true.” Sam smiled, partly to reassure Nick he was all right and partly because spilling his guts was proving to be strangely cathartic.

Though not for Nick, who looked distressed now. “It’snottrue,” he insisted. “And you’re comparing apples with pears. I’m four years ahead of you in experience. You’ve only just qualified. And—hell, now is not the time for this! Remind me why we started this conversation?”

“Wedidn’t start anything,” Sam pointed out. “You were the one who brought it up.”

Nick looked miserable. “Sam, listen. I’m anidiot. I blurted that stuff out at the bar because I was nervous, and I’d had too much Dutch courage. And that’s because, when I asked if I could tag along tonight, it was because I thought—I mean, it was because I wanted to—Ohfuckinghell!”

Nick’s gaze snagged on something behind Sam, and Sam looked over his shoulder to discover what it was.

Penny.

She was stumbling towards them, though thankfully without the mistletoe this time.

“Hello, boys!” she called as she descended on them in a cloud of heady perfume. “It’s time to go to the restaurant. Come on! You can sit with me an’ Dave an’ Trish. Baggsy I get to be sandwiched between you two!” She cackled and elbowed Sam in the ribs before grabbing one of his arms and one of Nick’s and marching them both out of the pub onto the cobbled lane. The rest of the M&H group were already out there, some singing, some shrieking and all of them generally behaving badly. Except Monica, who was squinting at her clipboard in the dark.

“Let’s go, people!” Penny called out, dropping Sam and Nick’s arms to stride ahead on her four-inch stilettos. Everyone else followed obediently, if somewhat chaotically, leaving Sam and Nick standing alone outside the Beehive for a moment.

“Sam, listen—” Nick reached out, and his fingers brushed Sam’s. A little jolt went up Sam’s arm, and he drew his hand back as though he’d been burnt.

Nick said, “Can we just finish—”