Page 15 of Meant to Burn

E vening prayer is the same as always, and I swear I’m trying to pay attention, but with my bowed head, all I’ve managed to do is think about last night.

The way Azriel filled me so perfectly, so wholly, that nothing else mattered in that moment.

And it still doesn’t. I feel complete, finally.

Nevertheless, a very scared part of me wonders if this is real, and how it’ll even work out.

What happens if I leave this place behind?

What will I do? What will he do? Is he even able to be by my side as a real partner, or will I forever see him in secret?

In the dead of night, when no one will know he exists except for me?

Somehow, I know I’d continue to do that if it’s what it takes to be with him.

I’m that far gone. I’d rather have him in secret than not at all, and that seems a bit problematic.

If I’m going to leave everything behind—the church, the community I’ve revolved around my entire life, and even my relationship with God—I need to know that he will be by my side forever.

That he’s truly all in. There has to be a way for him to live by my side as a partner.

A real one. At least that should be my expectation, right?

So why does it feel like I’d take whatever scraps he offered to me?

That can’t be how I act. It can’t. I have to really think about this.

“ Amen ,” Father Jacob says cheerfully, but I continue to bow my head, eyes squeezed shut, almost afraid to open them.

Micah nudges my shoulder with his, and I open my eyes and turn my head to look at him.

His eyes are red-rimmed as if he’s been crying, and I frown.

He continues to stare at me, wide green eyes looking into mine, and I don’t even notice when someone calls my name until they say it the second time.

More urgently. With a bit of a kick to it.

“Brother Elijah,” Father Jacob repeats for a third time. “Will you please come here?”

I stiffen because if he wants me to come to him, it’s for a reason.

He doesn’t isolate any of us unless it’s serious.

Suddenly, my hands turn clammy, and I wipe them on my pants.

He waits patiently for me to stand and turn my body toward him, and once I do, I give him a wide fake smile.

But it’s what I have to do—pretend. To be alright.

The picture of sainthood. God, not only have I become a fornicator, but I’ve also turned into a liar of epic proportions.

“Yes, Father?” I ask softly once I reach him, stopping a few feet away.

The chapel is now empty save for Micah, who remains in the pew where we were seated together just moments ago. His eyes narrow on us, but he doesn’t move, and for that I’m grateful. I’ll use him as my escape plan. A sweet excuse to cut this conversation short.

Sister Ruth stands next to Father Jacob, and my heart begins to pound so loudly in my ears that I can barely hear when he speaks.

That would be a mercy though, and I find myself cursing the day I learned to read lips.

They’re watching me intently, looking for some sort of indication I refuse to give them.

Instead, I keep my smile firmly in place, and I will continue to do so, even if it kills me.

“I’ve been watching you closely, Elijah,” Father Jacob says, staring into my eyes.

I gulp, faintly aware of Micah staring at my back.

Father Jacob’s eyes look weird, and this is the first time I think he seems to be the evil one in this situation.

I’m not even sure why that thought invades my mind, but I push it to the side so I can pay attention.

“I noticed you’ve been acting strangely. ”

“Strange how?” I ask, feeling increasingly more nervous the more he speaks.

“You’ve been distracted, which is unusual for you.” His eyes narrow on my face. “Is something wrong? Have you been led astray?”

I gasp, feigning horror. “Absolutely not.” Biggest lie of the century, but I must commit to the bit, or I’ll lose the plot.

“If you have, you can speak freely.” Father Jacob raises an eyebrow, and Sister Ruth clears her throat daintily. “If you repent, all will be well. But you must confess and beg for forgiveness, or we can’t help you.”

“Nothing is wrong,” I whisper, cracking a bit. I’m not sure I’m strong enough for this interrogation. “I’m the same man you’ve known all this time.”

Father Jacob narrows his eyes at me, and I swallow hard, looking down at my shoes.

I notice the scuffs on one of them, unable to bring myself to look up at him once more.

All the attention is making me feel small and meek, and I bet he does see the wicked little liar I’ve become. Well, huge liar at this point.

“Lying won’t help you,” Father Jacob snarls, looking me up and down. Has he always been this vicious? This…hostile? It’s almost like he’s a different person all of a sudden.

“I’m not lying,” I say with more confidence, raising my chin.

“Are you sure?” Sister Ruth asks, clearly intervening. “I can sense something is off. I see your soul has been stained black, but it’s not too late for you to come clean.”

I shake my head, tears threatening to fall at this point. “No. I’m fine.”

He nods solemnly, clearly unhappy that I haven’t confessed, and he can’t kick me out. He’s probably bored in this seminary. Well, he can pick on someone else. Not me.

Wow, where did that come from?

“You’re dismissed,” Father Jacob says roughly, and I nod.

I walk back to Micah, who is waiting for me with a frown on his face. I don’t stop though, and he scrambles out of the pew to follow after me.

“What was that?” Micah asks, catching up to me. “Why do they think you’re doing something wrong? You’re a saint.”

“I’m not a saint,” I mutter. “I don’t know, alright? This isn’t the first time they’ve questioned me.” But I don’t go into any more detail, and my friend is clearly not satisfied.

“You’ve been acting strange lately, you know. I guess I can see why they’d be worried,” he murmurs, and I stiffen. Not him too. Anyone but Micah. He knows me well enough to know when I’m lying. “You can trust me. I won’t say anything if you tell me what’s going on.”

“Nothing is going on.” I sigh. “And honestly, I’m getting really tired of people implying there is. I’m perfectly fine, same as always. I’m just tired is all.”

“All the time?” Micah asks, raising an eyebrow at me. My cheeks heat as I recall why I really am tired all the time. All of my midnight escapades. “Have you not been getting sleep?”

“Uh.” I shake my head. “Not really.”

“Hmmm,” Micah murmurs, and I don’t look at him, avoiding eye contact at all costs so he doesn’t catch me in yet another lie. “If you need someone to hang out with when you’re unable to sleep, I’m here.”

“Thanks.” I smile, this time looking at him. His own smile is wide, and his cheeks heat in a way that makes me believe he wouldn’t only want to talk during this hangout session. Or maybe my brain is just depraved now that I’ve had a taste of true sin. Yeah, that’s probably it.

I’d been walking blindly this entire time.

For a moment, back at the chapel, I was leading the way, but now it’s definitely Micah.

Before I realize it, we’ve ended up in front of my bedroom door.

I’m standing with my back against it, and Micah is crowding me.

Everyone seems to be at dinner right now, which doesn’t bode well for me, mostly because Micah is clearly feeling bolder than usual.

He steps into me until our shoes are touching and leans into my face.

He’s a few inches away, and I can feel his breath against my lips.

Past me would’ve been elated at this turn of events but present me is actually terrified. I haven’t forgotten how Azriel reacted to Micah, and I won’t be the reason we have issues again. No . Micah is no one in comparison to my Azriel, and I have to put a stop to this. Right now.

“Micah—” I whisper, shaking my head quickly when he leans into me, but he grabs my face with both hands. “Wait.”

“I’ve waited long enough,” he replies hoarsely, crushing his lips to mine.

They’re hard and unyielding, and I turn my hand on the knob and open the door, letting my body push it open.

I fall to the ground on my ass, and Micah manages not to topple over with me, thankfully.

I don’t know what I’d do if he ended up on top of me, but I'd probably knee him in the balls if it meant proving to Azriel that he’s the only one for me.

“What the fuck, Elijah?” he spits, eyes narrowed on me, and I flinch. He’s never spoken to me in that tone— never . “Is it really that unbearable to kiss me?”

“Micah—I’m sorry,” I reply, breathing raggedly. Seriously, it sounds like I just ran a mile. “I told you to wait. I told you the other day that I don’t want to be together. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to lead you on.”

“I see the way you look at me…” Micah trails off. “Why are you lying?”

“I’m not lying,” I tell him desperately, wishing he’d believe me. I get up from the ground and wipe my sweaty hands on my hips. “If I wanted you, I’d be the first one to tell you to leave together. I’d be right there with you. But I don’t reciprocate your feelings. I am sorry.”

“Fuck this,” Micah spits, turning around and leaving me behind.

He doesn’t go very far, only walking a few feet to the left and opening his bedroom door, then slamming it shut.

I exhale loudly in relief, shutting my own door and locking it for good measure.

I sit down at my desk to write in my journal, which I’ve been doing every day since I met Azriel for the first time.

Well, summoned him. Same thing. I’ve had to be careful with what I write, not wanting to implicate myself if someone finds it.

So I’ve been writing in riddles, which is proving to be both difficult and fun.

This time, when I open my journal to a new page, there’s a note scribbled onto the paper.