Page 24 of Matters of a Duke’s Heart
But Alexander didn’t look upset. His gaze remained lowered, but he didn’t cry or shout. He didn’t try to throw something in frustration, nor destroy something in order to be heard, and Spencer took that as a good thing. Rather than ignore the rare moment of calm, he pushed on.
“How are—”
“I know, I know,” Alexander interrupted, surprising Spencer. “My lessons. You always ask about them.”
Guilt dragged Spencer down so quickly and deeply that he had to swallow hard for a moment to compose himself against the closing of his throat. How long had it been since he’d truly sat with his son like this and heard what was on the boy’s mind?
“No,” he answered quietly, “I was going to ask how are your walks with the duchess going? You seem to like her.”
Alexander’s head snapped up, surprise brightening his eyes. “You… you truly want to know?”
Hurt pierced him. His son never should have had to doubt that. But Spencer had doubted him too.
He had treated him like a wild thing, something to box away when he had stepped out of line, and the wretched guilt of realizing how calm his son could be nearly had him defeated. Perhaps Felicity was right: Alexander was sweeter, not at all like what Spencer had come to know in the recent years.
“I do,” Spencer finally answered.
“I really like them. Miss Felicity is really nice to walk with. Sometimes we are quiet around one another, and I can see that she wants to ask things, but she does not always. She does not push me to answer her either. I like her, Papa.”
“Why?” he asked gently. “What makes you like her so much?” He gave a wry smile. “You do not like others quite as much.”
“It is because my governess has to be around me, and she just scolds me when I complain instead of truly listening. Miss Felicity listens. She seems to know when… when my lessons get too overwhelming.” He hung his head as if confessing that was bad.
“It feels like she truly wants to spend time with me. I do not feel like a problem to be handled when it comes to her. I just feel like me. Even my mama did not do that. She never wanted to spend time with me, and she made you not want to, either.”
Comfort wasn’t a thing Spencer had ever really been truly versed with, and he struggled now, but how could he not offer it? How could he look at his long-faced boy, the boy he had wanted all along, and not comfort him?
“Alexander,” he said, gesturing. “How about you come over here? Sit closer to me.”
He didn’t know how to hug his son in a way that didn’t feel awkward.
He had shut down any physical affection and did not know how to show it.
He had been warm and loving once, and yet all that felt replaced by a bitter chill he couldn’t chase away.
Still, Alexander clambered off his chair and hurried to his father’s side.
“I knew you would listen,” Alexander whispered, already throwing his arms around Spencer before Spencer could work out how to be there for him.
He didn’t know how to do this—how to make himself less stiff, how to approach his son’s hurt knowing he had caused so much of it, so he patted Alexander’s shoulder timidly.
“I am sorry I have not listened sooner,” he muttered.
“I told Miss Felicity that I liked dinnertimes,” Alexander said, pulling back.
He scrambled up to perch on the edge of Spencer’s desk.
A rebuke was on his tongue, and Alexander’s eyes widened as if bracing for something he had done wrong.
But Spencer shook it off. It was just a desk, and he couldn’t bear the thought of undoing these past moments by telling him off.
“I told her that I got to see you, even if we do not really speak. Can we speak more during them, Papa? I want to tell you about more than my lessons, but I also want to know about you!”
His little face looked so bright and hopeful that Spencer could do little else than nod.
Felicity had gone to say something about Alexander and dinnertime, and he realized this was likely it: that he liked them because Spencer paid more attention during them. Heavens, what a terrible father he had been.
“That sounds agreeable,” he answered.
“And Miss Felicity,” Alexander urged. “She can join us too? We can… we can be a family.”
Family.
The word rang through Spencer with too much weight. Too much rode on the word for it to be comfortable to swallow. A marriage of convenience where Alexander gained a mother was not a family.
A family suggested something more between all three of them, something gentler, something without Spencer’s hard edges to be a proper husband and father.
“I want everything to be well with you both,” Alexander mumbled. “And I do not think they are. I am worried it is because of me.”
“Never you,” Spence swore. “Lady… Miss Felicity is here for you, and to make your life better. Our upset with one another is not due to you.”
It is my own foolish reactions? he thought, but Alexander didn’t need to try to comprehend that yet.
Instead, Spencer nodded again, and said, “I will approach Miss Felicity about sharing dinnertimes.”
And the light that broke over his son’s face cleaved Spencer in half with emotion he didn’t expect.
Soon, Alexander scrambled off the desk, retiring to his bed, and Spencer looked at the report he had been working on. Work could wait. Instead, he let his mind wander as he began to plan.