Page 25 of Magick and Lead (Dragons and Aces #2)

ESSA

I lay upon the sofa in Charlie’s apartment, staring up at the ceiling. He was on the other side of that door, on the other side of a wall so thin I thought I could hear him breathing.

Still breathing.

I came here to kill him. I had failed.

I’m a coward, I thought to Othura.

She gave a dismissive hoom . Coward? Never, Dear Heart. You crossed an ocean and infiltrated a hostile city to confront a man you love, a man who broke your heart. That is courage.

I don’t love him… I fired back, though the thought curdled even as it formed. Could a person love someone they barely knew? Someone who was an enemy, a betrayer? Could love bloom in a soil comprised more of lies than truth?

I hated Charlie, certainly.

But did that mean I didn’t love him, too?

I’d hated my mother most of my life. But in the end, in those final moments as I’d watched her lifeless form drift down into the black oblivion of the ocean, I’d felt my heart breaking. I’d felt love.

Love and hate could coexist. They could feed off one another.

Love didn’t have to be nice. It could be like a harpoon in a leviathan’s belly. It could be the fire burning a castle from within.

I can love him and still kill him, when all this is over, I told Othura.

Her silence said more than any response could have.

My mind drifted back beyond the door. Charlie was in there, shirtless beneath his sheets. Mentally, I retraced the lines of his body. The veins running down his biceps and curling along his forearms. His cobbled abs. The V of muscle where his abdomen dipped into the waistband of his pants…

I pressed the bunched-up blanket to my face and bit it.

I could knock on that door. Take him into my arms. I could love him today and kill him tomorrow. I could trick him. Deceive him. Use his body selfishly for my own pleasure, just as he’d used me back in Maethalia…

Before I knew it, I was on my feet, walking up to Charlie’s bedroom door. I paused, listening for sounds within. I’d heard him breathing a moment before, but now, I heard nothing. Was he holding his breath just as I was holding mine?

A vision flashed before my eyes: my lips meeting his. My tongue running across his lower lip, running down his neck. Down his muscled chest, down the ridges of his toned, taut belly. Down to…

This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come. The temptation was too much.

And yet, despite all the tension and anxiety and anger I felt, the truth was that now, in this place, with Charlie so close, I felt better than I had in months. As if a crushing weight had been lifted from my shoulders. As if I could breathe again.

I shouldn’t have come here. This was wrong.

I could still leave. I could walk out the door…

Or I could barrel into his room, take him into my arms…

In a burst of ardency, I raised my fist, poised to knock on the door. Then, I froze, stopping myself.

No. An Irska must be stronger than this. A queen must be stronger. For Maethalia, I had to be strong. And for sweet little Parthar….

I backed away from the door, trembling, cursing under my breath.

I could do this. I had to do this. Just another couple of days.

Kill Kortoi. Kill Charlie. Then fly away home.

Simple, Othura said.

Of course, she was mocking me.