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I can’t tell him, I can’t. What if he’s wrong? Enda flipped down the lid of the toilet and sat on it, burying his face in his hands. He could understand Giorgio’s need to ask question after question – his mate was trying to understand where Enda had come from so he could keep him safe.
But the fear that had been ingrained in him, first by his mother and then his grandmother, and the need to hide his true inner self was steeped into every pore and cell he had, in every drop of blood. The way his mother had died - Enda quickly shied away from the memory – the dream he’d had was bad enough. But it reinforced the idea that if anyone could find a way to take down a hellhound, his father was the sort of sadistic bastard who would make that happen.
Enda couldn’t let that happen. He had already met the hellhound in the flesh – that gorgeous huge animal who loved scritches and being petted all around his furry cheeks. Enda knew how protective the hound was. It was in his nature. Even now as Giorgio was struggling with his confusion at Enda’s words, Enda felt through his bird spirit how the hound was protecting his bird against his human side and how fucked up was that.
Everything’s so fucked up. Maybe it would’ve been best if I had set that bomb off before Giorgio and Mitchell arrived. Giorgio would’ve never known how close he’d come to finding me, so he would never have missed me. I would just have been a piece of splatter among a host of others…Giorgio would never have known…
Enda couldn’t stop crying. It was as if when he started, someone had jammed his tear-tap in the on position and he couldn’t turn it off. He tried desperately to keep his sobs to himself because he knew how acute the hellhound’s hearing was, and he had no doubt that every tear he shed was causing Giorgio grief as well.
But there was so much Enda had never had a chance to grieve – his mother and grandmother obviously. But there was so much more – the visits he’d been forced to endure in the States when he’d never seen any of the country at all outside of the airport.
The lack of friends. Enda thought about his two favorite friends online – Jackie and Cosmo. They’d been so much fun, and they never cared that they’d never seen Enda’s face – not even on a screen. They just treated him as if he was any other regular teenager moaning about parents, assignments, and test results. I miss them so much.
Now, there was a new thing to cry over – how he was causing his mate harm because he didn’t dare be honest with him.
It is time. You have to tell him. His bird’s soft voice sounded through his head, and it was so unusual, Enda had lifted his head from his hands, looking around as if he could almost see his bird spirit in front of him. His bird rarely spoke to him when he was upset – perhaps because he’d been equally so.
Through their years of captivity and everything else Enda went through, there really wasn’t any point or need. They would grieve together, yet separately at the same time. But Enda had always felt that spirit there, that comforting presence of the animal spirit that he had been blessed with, helping him not feel quite so alone.
What do you fear most? his bird insisted. You’re damaging your mating by not sharing the core part of who we are.
I know it’s selfish. I know I’m being mean , Enda sobbed, but I can’t risk anything happening to Giorgio. He has been saving us and protecting us from the moment we met, and I know it’s only been a few days, but if my father knew that somebody else knew…
What could that man do? his bird insisted. I think this is where our grandmother was wrong, our mother, too.
Enda stilled. His bird had never spoken a word against the two women who loved him and did what they could for him. I don’t understand. They were trying to keep us safe.
They were doing their best with the information they had at the time, but our father’s behavior is escalating, and keeping secrets and hiding is making us vulnerable. If nobody knows that we need help, then how can we access that help when we need it? Surely it makes sense to tell the one man that the Fates put in our path.
But our father could… Enda’s bird was making sense, but Enda’s fear was a big part of who he was.
We were seconds away from dying. I shared those thoughts with you when you despaired, knowing that the slightest move you made could be your last. Don’t you see it would be far better to let somebody stronger take the burden of this for a while?
But what if he doesn’t understand? It was so tempting. By nature, Enda was an honest person, and having to hide anything from his mate, when Giorgio had been so caring, wasn’t easy. But Enda’s fear had to ask, What if he hates us, too?
I don’t think that’s possible . The bird seemed to sigh. We don’t know a lot about mates. We weren’t raised in a typical shifter family, but from what the hound has been telling me, the Fates bring us the mate that we need, the mate that will complement us perfectly.
And you heard what Giorgio said. He’s immortal. He was crafted by hand, by a God. He can’t die.
But how can we believe that? We all die, Enda insisted. Every living being, from the tallest tree to the smallest ant, we all die. It’s just the length of time it takes that makes the difference.
Gods don’t die the bird reasoned. We know that gods don’t die so why can’t we trust that Giorgio won’t die either. Mates don’t lie to each other. Don’t you see? This is the strongest position we’ve ever been in, to be able to go against the man that killed our mother. We could do this. With Giorgio’s help, we could do this.
How can you be so sure? Enda sat up, brushing away the tears from his cheeks. He was sure he looked an absolute mess, but he stayed focused on his bird, inside his mind.
This is one situation where I genuinely think we have to trust. I know it’s hard, but Giorgio didn’t lie. Can you just think of the implications if what our mate has said is true? That we can’t die?
I’m not sure how the not dying works if our body is blown to shit.
But Enda thought about it. His head ached, his eyes felt as though someone had thrown sand into them, and his stomach was churning, probably feeling the upset from Giorgio. He recognized that even in the brief few days they’d been together, their bond was already strong. The hound cared for his bird spirit, and Giorgio cared for Enda already. Enda hadn’t had that, not since his grandmother.
Father has taken away everything and everybody in our life, and there really weren’t that many people. How can we be sure he won’t take Giorgio?
Remember the voices in your head , the bird said softly. Remember when you put the collar around Giorgio’s neck, how you heard the sound of all the other hounds. Giorgio comes from a pack of twelve. He’s got a pack, and he has experience in these things.
What things? Enda smiled. We don’t know what Giorgio was doing before we came along. Face it, our knowledge of ‘things’ is virtually non-existent. All we’ve ever had is the shit that we’ve been fed since we landed on that boat.
That’s right. But while we were on that boat, the bird said , Giorgio was out there saving people, negotiating, strategizing. He’s the perfect person to take down your father once and for all, but you have to trust him. If you don’t tell him what we are, that will drive a wedge between us that we might never be able to heal. We can’t do that. Not now, not when our future is just out of reach.
Swallowing hard, Enda rubbed at his face again and then stood up. If you’re wrong… he warned his other half.
I truly don’t think I am. But the only way you’re going to find out is to tell him – all of it.
Letting himself out of the bathroom, Enda looked over to the couch where Giorgio was still sitting, his eyes clearly fixated on the door.
Before he had a chance to say anything, Giorgio asked, “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Apparently, I’m a phoenix – a defunct one,” Enda said, spreading his arms wide. “As far as I know, the reason my father wants to kill me is because he knows I saw him kill my mother. I don’t know why he did that. I don’t know why he hates me so badly. But even though I’ve never shifted, my father sees my phoenix as a threat to him, and I’m fairly sure that’s why he wants me dead. Is that what you wanted to know?”
Giorgio was across the room in seconds. Enda found himself clasped in strong arms and lifted off his feet as Giorgio hugged him tight. “I promise you’ll be safe, little bird. I absolutely promise you. You will be safe.”