Page 84 of Lux

“You don’t need to hide from me.” I mean it. I do not want to inspire fear like Cassius. Softness is strange to me. Unnatural. But I can utilize honesty to my benefit. There is no shame in that. To look her in the eye and tell her, “I will tell you what is on my mind if you will tell me what is on yours in return.”

That draws her interest. She turns to me, her gaze hesitant. Hopeful. The way she looks at me stings. It is a trust that a creature like me should never be given.

For we can only break it in the end. Still, I will try anyway. For her, I will try.

“I saw paintings in the museum,” I say, turning away from her. It makes the truth easier to say. To dwell in those dark, twisted feelings. Feelings I’ve shied from voicing, though I know Altaris knows the answers. “They showed…images. Things that shouldn’t be possible. Things that have yet to come. They made me angry?—”

I break off as her hand slips into mine. I didn’t realize her moving towards me. My fingers twitch in her grip, but I don’t pull away. I bear down harder in return.

“They distracted me from you. I left you behind.”

She nods, that much she knew. But there is more.

“I saw you in one,” I admit. I let the image enter my mind, and for the first time, I inspect it in detail. Her, splayed on canvas, standing amid a swath of destruction. There is a smile on her face, and an excited gleam in her eye. She looked happier than I have ever seen her. At home, in the middle of violence.

The thought makes her sick—literally. She gags, her face pale. I have to grip her shoulder and hold her tight. I have to resist pulling her into my arms completely.

She won’t let me. I can sense her hesitation and fear. Her entire sanity is riding on my answer to a question she issues in a trembling whisper.

“What if I am a monster? What if… What if I killed? What will you do?”

What will I do?

There is no thought. No time is needed to come up with an answer.

“I will stay with you. No matter what you become. I will stay with you.”

Because if she is a monster, then I am a creature far, far worse.

I will become whatever it takes to keep her from those flames. To stop the destruction revealed in those paintings.

Even if it costs me my soul, I’ll give it.

Even if I don’t know why.

Though…

It could be the magic of her blood, corrupting me. Consuming me. Melding my thoughts into hers.

So be it.

CHAPTER 30

Niamh

How can I be responsible for so many sins if I don't remember committing them? That's what makes this whole ordeal so terrifying. It is the reason why Caspian’s instant acceptance strikes me as so odd. Because it is instant. He doesn’t think. Doesn’t doubt. Not even once.

If I am a monster, then so be it. He will stay near me.

But will Minchae?

Or Altaris?

Or Colleen?

Of course not. To them, I am a danger. A risk. If anything, I should return to the other realm for their sake. To accept my punishment. To keep from harming anyone else.

For if I committed murder without any memory of it, what else am I capable of?