Page 33 of Lucci

My father knew she didn’t want a child, and he insisted that she have me.

He was a great father, but him not making better choices about who he procreated with caused me a lifetime of heartache.

I didn’t see the reasoning behind her keeping me to make my father happy only to ultimately neglect me and then get put out by my father and scar me in the process.

Life could have been worse though. That was the only way that I could look at it.

I grabbed my laptop so I could start looking for houses.

My mother wasn’t shit to me in life, but at least she did her big one in death.

I cradled my phone between my ear and shoulder while sifting through the rack of shirts in front of me. “What color is your dress going to be? I think it’ll be better if we coordinate.”

My brows snapped together. “What dress?” I asked Gavin confused.

“Your dress for the gala. You already have a date?”

“Um, what if I did? How are you going to just ask me what color my dress is and say we need to coordinate, and you haven’t even asked to accompany me?” I chuckled. I hadn’t thought about a date for the gala. I didn’t really need one if I was being honest.

“My bad. I guess it was just wishful thinking that you wouldn’t want to go with anyone else but me.”

I rolled my eyes upward. “Gavin.”

“I know. I know, Breezy. We’re just cool. You’re locked in and don’t have time for anything serious. I get it. Maybe that’s why I just assumed you didn’t have a lot of prospects lined up. If you’re busy and make time for me, maybe I felt you weren’t making time for other people.”

My lips turned downward into a frown. “Um okay. I guess.”

“So, will you be my date? I’ll buy my ticket right now.”

“Sure.” The chipper tone that I answered him in was fake as hell. I wasn’t sure why his request to be my date annoyed me. But it did.

I understood that Gavin was new in town and didn’t know a lot of people but no matter how many times I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t interested in dating on a serious level, he acted as if he didn’t get it.

Locked in meant focused on my goals. It didn’t mean ask me out multiple times a week.

There was nothing more frustrating than the man you wanted not applying pressure and the man you didn’t want applying too much pressure.

When you didn’t want a man consistency felt like harassment.

“Ticket purchased. So, what color is your dress?”

“I’m still trying to decide between an olive green one and a wine colored one. I’ll know for sure by Friday. I need to make my mind up on the dress, so I can buy shoes and figure out how I want my hair.”

“Bet. As soon as you get it let me know which one you chose. I gotta match your fly.”

“I will be sure to let you know.” My irritation grew, and I concluded that maybe it wasn’t really Gavin. It was everything.

Refusing to let myself grieve my mother.

Refusing to sit around and think about how Lucci was doing.

I was forcing myself to be numb and strong.

Maybe suppressing those feelings was making me moody as hell, but in that moment, I just wanted Gavin to stop talking to me.

Gavin made me think about Lucci and Kiandra.

How he said he wasn’t in love with her, but he could trust her, and she was good for him.

I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with Gavin and feeling like he wasn’t the love of my life or my soulmate.

However, he was a good guy, and he wouldn’t do me wrong, so I chose him. Or settled for him.

It was also frustrating when hints weren’t enough.

You kind of hoped that a person would catch a clue that you weren’t really into them and remove themselves from the situation.

But I assumed it was common to put blinders on in certain situations.

Maybe time apart from her made him realize that he actually did love her.

The mere thought of that happening made my chest tight.

I became so lost in thoughts of Lucci and Kiandra that Gavin had to ask me a question three times before I comprehended what he was trying to say.

“My bad. I keep getting emails and text messages from clients,” I lied. “Let me respond to everyone and then I’ll call you back.”

I hated being a liar, but I wouldn’t be calling Gavin back.

I just needed some time and some space. My mother’s wake and funeral were the following day, and I wasn’t going to either one of them.

Certain members of her family had already tried to talk me into going, so I stopped answering phone calls from them.

I also refused to respond to text messages.

Trying to get me to go somewhere that I already said I didn’t want to be was crazy.

I refused to entertain it any longer. They’d get the picture when they showed up and saw I wasn’t there.

After getting off the phone with Gavin, I breathed a sigh of relief.

Once the gala was over, I was going to make it a point to spend less time with him.

I just wasn’t into it, and I didn’t want him to become attached to me.

If I couldn’t have the man that I wanted, I didn’t want anyone.

On the way to my car, thoughts of Lucci and the things he did to my body in the bedroom made my clit pulsate.

"Help me, Lord,” I groaned.

The way that man dominated my thoughts were pure insanity.

What was even more insane was how my body reacted when I thought of him.

I’d never been with a man that I craved the way I desired Lucciano Culver.

He was like a drug. It had been way too long since I got a fix, and I was slowly losing it.

The man probably wasn’t even capable of sexing me after being shot, but all I could think about was his masculine moans in my ear while he stroked me savagely.

I wanted to stare into his eyes as I rode his thick dick.

The friction between my clit and his skin causing an orgasm that rocked my core.

My face flushed as I exited the mall and walked into the parking lot.

I had been shopping in an effort to distract myself.

Of course, it would take the money from my mother’s life insurance policy some time to be deposited into my account.

I didn’t need her money to treat myself.

Initially, since buying a house was my goal, I’d been trying hard not to splurge.

Hoping that retail therapy would do me some good, I went against the grain and said fuck it.

I was going to get the house, so why did it matter if I treated myself or not?

Life was too damn short to be frugal all the time anyway.

One day, my mother was here seemingly healthy and the next, she was gone. Unexpectedly. Just gone.

Attempting to take my mind off Lucci, I drummed my fingernails on my steering wheel and tried to think about what would make me happy in the moment besides a thick, dark, veiny, dick. “Ice cream. Ice cream will make me happy,” I mumbled.

Starting my car, I put the gear in reverse and started on my way to get a few scoops of temporary happiness. That seemed to be the theme for my happiness these days. Temporary.