Page 14 of Lucci

“You know what there is something you can do,” I cut her off. “Can I get some head? That’s what I need. My dick sucked.”

Once again, Kiandra stared at me with parted lips looking like a deer caught in headlights.

After a fifteen second stare off, I kissed my teeth.

“Fuck it. I don’t ask for much. Hell, I never ask for shit, and a nigga can’t even get any head.

” I was beyond agitated and for the first time ever in life, I was agitated by Kiandra’s presence.

I wanted what I wanted and at the moment, it wasn’t her.

“If you want to have sex we ca?“

Again, I cut her off. “I didn’t say anything about sex. I said I wanted some head. We’ve been together three years, and you haven’t sucked my dick twenty times. That shit is crazy as hell,” I stood up. I no longer wanted to watch TV. I just wanted to be out of the house.

“I don’t understand why you’re acting like this.” Kiandra’s voice cracked, and that further infuriated me. Throwing my hands up in exasperation, I frowned at her.

“Fuck you crying for? ‘Cus a nigga is confused as to why his girl doesn’t suck his dick? You kill me with that green ass whiny shit.” When I was sober and calmer, I would regret taking my anger out on Kiandra.

But years of knowing that I didn’t love her, and the rage that Ty’s death caused had me on some other shit.

I couldn’t help it, and I had no desire to stop it.

It felt kind of good to finally express myself.

“Okay, I’m just going to go start dinner. I don’t understand why you’re being so mean to me. If getting your dick sucked is that important to you, you could have said something.”

“I never met a man that had to tell a female that he liked to receive oral sex.”

“Do I complain that you don’t go down on me?”

“I would! Shit, I have. You lay there like a fuckin’ dead body, so I didn’t think you liked the shit.”

“Like a dead body?” Kiandra was appalled. Drawing back, she looked me up and down like she was seeing me for the first time. “Are you serious? Is this treat Kiandra like dirt day?”

“Kiandra gets treated like anything but dirt. You barely want to fuck and when you do, it’s lazy as hell.

You hardly ever give head and when you do, you don’t even do it right.

Your corny ass parents come over here in the house that I pay the mortgage on and act like I shouldn’t be here. I’m sick of all this shit.”

“So leave!” It was the first time I had ever heard Kiandra yell. Her face was red, and her chest was heaving up and down. She was pissed, and I was relieved. She didn’t have to tell me twice.

I was so afraid she’d change her mind that I only took enough clothes to last a few days.

Getting out of dodge while she still wanted me gone was the objective.

Maybe I took the coward’s way out. I pushed her until she told me to leave rather than telling her I wasn’t happy.

I was wrong for feeling that my happiness and feelings didn’t matter.

I needed someone solid and real. The love was secondary.

I was a grown ass man. I didn’t walk through life wishing for love and fairytales and shit.

But it didn’t take me long to figure out that if I was going to be with one person, I wanted to desire her.

I wanted to have fun with her. Be in love and have loyalty.

If I wasn’t in love with her after three years, I never would be.

I stayed too long and got in too deep. Kiandra loved me.

I was her fairytale. Rather than break her heart, I stayed when the love wasn’t there.

Either I had to suffer and remain in a relationship with someone I viewed in the same sentiments as a friend, or I’d put my feelings first and break her heart.

It was a lose lose situation. I stayed around for years hoping she’d finally listen to her parents or realize that she was too good for me.

The only thing that got accomplished was her falling deeper in love.

Kiandra wasn’t in the living room when I walked out of the house.

I had just left the bedroom, so she wasn’t in there either.

I didn’t want to keep imposing on Maino, and my heart couldn’t take being around my parents, so I was going to get a hotel room.

On the way there, I stopped and got more food and more alcohol.

As long as I could drink the pain away, I was cool.

Deciding to splurge, I got a presidential suite at the St. Regis.

It was $11,500 for a week, and I didn’t give a damn.

I didn’t work hard for the money. I stole the shit.

In the room, I sat on the edge of the bed and looked out at the city.

The hotel room had a panoramic view. Remembering my harsh words to Kiandra, the sting of my brother being gone, and the burden of living on my shoulders made me kiss my teeth and stand up.

I grabbed a glass and pulled the bottle of tequila I purchased from the brown paper bag it was in.

I frowned as the tequila slid down my throat.

It was smooth, but it still didn’t have the best taste.

The taste didn’t matter, however. I emptied the glass and poured more.

I had downed the third glass before it dawned on me that I had been drinking cognac earlier.

I’d feel like a bitch if I threw up, but it was what it was. There wasn’t much that I cared about.

I’d take physical suffering over mental anguish any day of the week.

My phone was on silent, and I hadn’t checked it in hours.

Easing it from my pocket, I observed that I had fifteen missed calls and four text messages.

One of the calls was from Breezy. Fucking Breezy.

I wanted to call her back, but I couldn’t.

Mixing liquors and smoking weed had me once again out my body.

If I made a move on Breezy, there was a chance she would be with it.

No matter how badly I craved her, I didn’t want to have sex with her under the circumstances.

Being so drunk and high that I wouldn’t remember the sex wasn’t how I wanted her.

Realizing I was thinking like a female, I chuckled.

I was thinking about Breezy on some, ‘I want it to be special,’ type shit.

It was the closest I’d come to smiling since I got the news about Tyler.

Just that fast my mood soured. Horny or not, I wouldn’t be calling Breezy back.

I was going to drink until I passed out. That was the safest thing for me to do.