Page 50 of Lovesick (The Minnesota Mustangs #1)

DEAD MAN WALKING

CREW

E verything happened so fast—I was dropkicked into action.

It was the first time I didn’t catch Merit before she fell. I was supposed to protect her, and I failed. I don’t remember what happened after the paramedics arrived; all I remember is hyperventilating the entire time. Thankfully, Harlan shoved me into his car so we could tail after the ambulance.

I’ve never felt a preternatural fear like this before.

It smothers my chest, bottlenecking my circulation.

How long was Merit feeling faint? Was I so caught up in my own shit that I couldn’t recognize the warning signs?

I need her to make it back to me. I don’t want to live without her. I can’t live without her.

When Harlan’s Volkswagen skids into the hospital parking lot, the ominous moon is lounging on an ottoman made of stars, winking at me from a sable sky.

I get out of the passenger seat underneath a jaundiced streetlight, my nerves gnarling between my ribs like flowering vines as the cold breeze buffets my arms .

Sprinting into the entrance, I dodge incoming stretchers of patients and hospital personnel who flit around like anxious flies.

It’s absolute bedlam in here, the beeping of pagers and industrial machinery trumpeting into the not-so-silent air, intercut with voices at differing decibel levels.

Somewhere, someone yowls in agony, their grief steeped into the water-damaged drywalls of an undercover graveyard.

The overwhelming stench of ammonia seeps into my nostrils.

Tears clump in the corners of my eyes, distorting my vision as if I’m looking through a funhouse mirror. “Where is she? Where the hell is my girlfriend?!” I scream, causing a ruckus in the reception area. Multiple heads turn toward me—some in shock, others in sympathy.

A nurse in blue scrubs braces a hand against my chest, trying to pacify me, but all I do is windmill in her flimsy hold.

My throat is raw, every inch of my body is on fire, and the baseline acid in my gut is purling.

I feel sick. I had to watch the paramedics hook Merit up to all different kinds of tube-like devices, wheel her out on a stretcher, and still wasn’t told jack shit about what was happening to her.

Her flameless eyes were devoid of life, that strong, resilient girl I’ve grown to know extirpated on a whim.

“I need to see her. Please. Please let me see her,” I cry, furling my fingers in polyester, the wingbeat of my heart as unsteady as my gelatinous legs. If I wasn’t clinging onto this poor woman for dear life, I’d probably fall to my knees.

Is Merit in pain? Is she okay? I can’t stand the thought of her suffering. Fate has taken a lot of good things away from me, but I won’t let it take her. She’s a part of me— the best part . Losing her will never be an option.

“Calm down, sir. Who’s your girlfriend? What’s her name?” the nurse asks, her tone coarsened with an air of detached professionalism .

I slow my breathing so that my words are intelligible. “Merit…Lawson.”

Nurse Rayna—by way of her nametag—nods in understanding. “Are you?—”

“Crew?”

A deep, bone-weary voice addresses me, and Coach Lawson’s sunken eyes find me with the precision of a sharpshooter, fully intent on burning through my password-encrypted layers to get to the heart of my soul. Mrs. Lawson is with him.

I’ve never been more relieved to see him in my entire life. Even after everything we’ve been through, I run to him without a second thought, bulling my way into his arms. He doesn’t hug me back right away—more so out of surprise than vitriol.

Tears fleck my cheeks in a shiny resin as sobs catch in the netting of my overworked diaphragm.

“Oh, son,” he sighs, wrapping his arms around me. “It’s okay. Breathe.”

I don’t think we’ve ever hugged before. Coach isn’t an overly affectionate person, but the fact that he’s not cussing me out right now speaks volumes. I betrayed his trust, I snuck around with his daughter—those aren’t things you just come back from.

I pull away from our embrace. “Is she…?”

“She hasn’t woken up yet. According to the doctor, she had a bigeminy episode which resulted in a decrease of blood flow to her brain. He surmises that the incident was brought on by an accumulation of stress.”

I shouldn’t have pressured her so much about talking to her dad before the auction.

Bile splashes the back of my throat as I force myself to swallow. “Will she be okay?” My voice is nearly inaudible, thickened with a caliber of pain that’s sticky and suffocating like an oil spill tainting offshore waters .

Mr. Lawson doesn’t answer me. He just gently nudges me toward a pair of chairs out of the way. “Let’s sit down. It’s not doing you any good by being on your feet.”

Now that the entire waiting room and probably a good portion of the hospital staff have just witnessed my breakdown, I don’t object to a change of scenery. I plod behind him and occupy a seat, finally taking a belly-filling breath after what feels like an eternity.

She has to be okay. She has to.

I use the sleeve of my suit to dry the carnage on my face. I forgot I was even wearing it. Honestly, I forgot I was even partaking in an auction. All that seems so insignificant in comparison to the mammoth-sized mayhem of the last thirty minutes.

My leg bounces against the hard plastic of my chair as my nerves run rampant, and a spinning pinwheel of death slaps itself over my very laggy thoughts.

I’m completely drained of energy—not to mention that I don’t even know where to start with an apology.

I didn’t think it would take a near-death experience to fix things between me and Mr. Lawson.

I wish it hadn’t. Then maybe Merit wouldn’t be fighting for her life in a hospital bed right now.

There’s no gentle easement into my words, nor is there a warning for the cave-dwelling sorrow that follows suit. My ribs fold like wings over my frangible heart.

“I’m so sorry, Coach. I’m sorry for disobeying you.

I’m sorry for sneaking around behind your back.

I’m sorry for completely disrespecting you and putting Merit in danger.

None of this would’ve happened if I wasn’t so adamant about being with your daughter.

I should’ve put her health above my own selfish vices, but I was an idiot, and I’m going to regret that decision for the rest of my life.

I’m always going to regret jeopardizing my relationship with you, especially with how supportive you’ve been of my hockey career.

I took your kindness and generosity for granted, and there are no words in the universe to express how sorry I am.

I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. I wish?—”

Coach glances at me somberly. “You really love her, don’t you?”

That word clobbers me in an instant. It’s anything but a clean break.

Jagged, misaligned—the kind of pain that hurts so badly where crying is the only succor.

I always had a sneaking suspicion that what I felt for Merit started with a capital L, but hearing it out loud—from her father of all people—solidifies what I’ve known to be true all along:

I’m in love with Merit Lawson.

Irrevocably, unconditionally, in love .

Who wouldn’t be? Her laughter is sweeter than the early-morning coos of mourning doves, her touch is softer than brooms of lupines sweeping over prairies, and her smile is brighter than the dripping yolk of the sun at midday.

She’s my North Star, and that scarlet-tipped needle inside me will always point toward her. Toward home .

She’s the only person who’s ever seen me for who I am, not for who I present myself to be.

She never cared about my stupid title or my reputation.

She cared about me . She let me in, even when there was a chance that I could hurt her.

She went against everything she’s ever known to give me the chance at a life I never had—a life filled with a love so profound that abandonment was never a lingering worry in the back of my mind.

She didn’t try to fix me like I was some project.

She loved every flaw with her whole heart—even those I tried to hide under stratified layers of falsehoods and facades.

I need to tell her. What if she doesn’t wake up? What if she never knows how I feel? What if she never knows how she saved me? From self-blame, from self-loathing, from the loneliness that paces like a starving creature behind bars.

She’s my person .

Conducted by fine-tuned sadness, more tears wring from my eyes. “How did you…?”

“Because you’re here,” he says plainly.

Caustics smudge my vision as I lose the last foothold on my composure. I fare better staring at the pristine tiles than staring into eyes that are all-too familiar. “I love her more than I ever thought was humanly possible.”

Coach rubs my shoulder. “Love is anything but human. It’s transcendent.

It’s the greatest thing in this entire universe, and all I’ve ever wanted for her is to find her person.

My own love overshadowed that. She told me how unhappy she was, and yet I never listened.

I thought…I thought I knew what was best for her.

Instead, I dismissed both of you when I should’ve been supportive. ”

“But we should’ve been honest with you from the start.”

“I should’ve been honest with myself , Crew.

Merit is in charge of her own life. It’s about time I stepped back and let her experience it on her own terms. And if you’re the person she decided to give her heart to, condemning her isn’t the way to handle things.

Putting restrictions on who she could or couldn’t see wasn’t fair to either of you, and I’m so sorry. ”

“It’s okay. I under?—”

A growl shakes his burly chest, similar to the way an old mountain groans as it settles into the loam of the earth. “It’s not. I had no right to treat you the way that I did.”