Page 10 of Love’s Harvest (Lilace Lake #3)

Sarah gazed up at him and knew in her heart he was right. They were meant to be together. First, she had to deal with what had happened.

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At her front door, Sarah turned to Aaron. “Do you want to come in? The girls are at my mother’s house, and we won’t have to worry about disturbing them.”

“Sure,” said Aaron. “We didn’t get much of a chance to talk at Jake’s. Tell me about the new guy, Blake. He and Poppy seemed to have hit it off. I heard him say he might be looking for work. We always need people.”

Sarah unlocked the door, and they went inside. Without the girls’ presence, it seemed so quiet. So peaceful.

Aaron walked silently behind her as she went into the kitchen and snapped on the lights. Blinking at the brightness, she didn’t notice that Aaron had come closer, and she was startled when he wrapped his arms around her.

She leaned against his chest loving the feel of him close to her. When she realized he was aroused, she stepped away.

He shot her a sad look. “Someday …”

Feeling bad about her inability to simply let go of the past, she cupped his cheek in her hand. “It isn’t fair of me to expect you not to date or see other women. I’m working on myself and my situation, but I don’t know how long it will take for me to come to terms with what happened to Jesse.”

“Just promise me you’ll keep trying,” said Aaron. He rubbed his hand through his long hair. “I think I should go.”

Sarah swallowed hard. “I’ll walk you to the door.”

They kissed without lingering, then she stood aside while he left.

After she closed and locked the door, Sarah burst into tears. Looking around, she noticed the photograph of Jesse with the girls when they were infants. It was sitting on a table in the living room. That was before he began to spiral.

She marched over to it, and in a fit of anger, she threw it on the floor, shattering the glass.

Furious at him for what he’d done to them, she kicked at the frame.

When Sarah caught her breath, she stared at the mess on the floor.

It was time to clean out her house and get rid of her past. She’d already removed photographs of Jesse’s parents from the grouping she’d created right after she and Jesse were married.

After his parents had accused her of being at fault for how she’d handled Jesse’s depression, she couldn’t bear to look at their faces.

She stood staring at nothing, her fists clenched. All of a sudden, she screamed into the empty space, “Okay! I get it! Time to forgive myself!”

She put on some rock music and danced until she could hardly move, anything to get rid of her pent-up feelings.

When she couldn’t get her breath, she clenched her sides, then collapsed on the couch laughing until she burst into loud, heartfelt sobs.

Her body began to shake, almost as if she was in shock, and she wrapped herself in the soft throw she’d hung on the back of the couch.

When her sobbing finally stopped, she lay back on the cushions and stared at the ceiling, feeling too weak to move.

But her thoughts kept circling in her head.

She’d tried to get help for Jesse, but after a few sessions with a doctor he didn’t like, he refused to find another.

And the medicine he was supposed to take was sometimes, but not always, taken.

And other forbidden ones were taken in its place.

All this while she was coping with two babies alone when Jesse disappeared for long periods of time or sat refusing to move from his favorite chair to help her.

Even the morning of the day he died, he’d lied to her and said he was feeling better.

It wasn’t until late afternoon that she realized something was terribly wrong.

She had her neighbor watch the babies, and following her instincts, got in her car.

She found his truck at the wooded park at the edge of the town. Their special place.

Unaware she was crying, she’d run into the woods and followed their favorite path until she found him. He’d used a gun to the head to end his life. Even now, thinking of it, her stomach turned. She drew deep breaths to steady herself.

Sarah finally forced herself to her feet, intent on following her new plan.

She went to her bedroom and packed away the jewelry Jesse had given her.

The girls might enjoy having those pieces when they were older.

She faced her closet and her bureau. If she was ever going to free herself from the guilt and pain, it was time to clear them of certain items that reminded her of Jesse.

She looked at the things she’d brought to Lilac Lake with her.

The first to go was a blue dress that he’d loved seeing her wear.

By the time she was through cleaning out both the closet and her bureau, she had a large collection to give to charity.

She'd changed her bedding when she moved back home, but looking at it now, she realized she’d picked out something Jesse would have liked.

Tomorrow, she’d drive to a Target and get something different, something that reminded her of happier days in Lilac Lake, something feminine.

Exhausted, she looked at the clock, surprised to see it was after two a.m.

She peeled off her clothes and climbed into bed, still wearing her underwear, too tired to do more.