Page 85 of Love Me

I brought the back of her hand up to my cheek. It was cold. “Mommy?” I whispered as more tears clouded my vision.

Shayla fisted the back of my shirt. “Please, Shi,” I barely heard her beg. “She’s dead. We have to go.”

I didn’t want to let go. If I let go, I had to accept that she was gone. I wasn’t ready.

Shayla yanked me to my feet by my shirt and dragged me back through the living room, past our dad’s body and toward his office.

Once inside, she shut the door as quietly as she could. The room became pitch black, but she found me. She put her hands on my shoulders. “I need you to listen to me,” she whispered.

A silent sob rocked through me, and she put her hands on my cheeks. Her grip was firm. “I need you to pull yourself together. If you don’t, you will get us killed.”

“How?” was all I could get out. How was she not falling apart right now?

“You have to bury it. Everything that you are feeling—what just happened. You have to bury it deep so we can survive. And after we get through this, when it’s safe, you can let yourself feel it. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

I sniffled. “Bury it to survive.”

“Yes.” Her whole body shook, and I knew she was nodding. “So take a deep breath and bury it all.”

I inhaled deeply. Burying didn’t work for me, but pushing did. I pushed the agony I felt at losing our parents, the images of Mr. X stabbing our mom and the fear in her eyes. I pushed them back until it became easier to focus. The thought of needing to get out of here and get help took their place in the forefront of my mind.

“Okay,” I whispered. “What do we do?”

22

I trailed off,feeling mentally depleted. For so long, I’d had that night buried in the furthest corner of my mind. For almost a year and a half, I’d built wall after wall to keep it there. For me to continue telling them what had happened next, I would have to tear down another wall, and the next one was the biggest and strongest of them all.

I wasn’t strong enough to do it. Not yet, anyway.

“Keep going, Shi,” Logan urged.

“No,” I said. I was done. I’d had enough. I glanced at my guys. “Can you give us a minute?”

They didn’t hesitate in getting up from the table and the four of them went out into the backyard.

After the door closed behind them, I looked at Logan. “What is going on, Logan? What are you trying to achieve with all of this?”

“They deserve to know,” he said again.

I shook my head, and I picked up Shayla’s picture. “They do know. This…” I held up the picture. “This shows them what happened and seeing it does a way better job than hearing it. So I’m going to ask again…what do you wish to achieve? Because they’re not going anywhere.”

“They need to know what you went through.”

“They will. When I’m ready, and when that is isn’t up to you to decide,” I said.

That set him off and he stood from the table angrily, almost knocking his chair over as he did. “You’re being stupid, Shiloh. So unbelievably stupid. You have fucked everything up by telling them.”

“How did I fuck up?” I snarled, standing from my chair. “How?!”

“Because you put yourself at risk.”

“Bullshit, Logan! Stop throwing that bullshit at me, because we both know that’s not true.” I fisted my hands at my sides, willing myself to continue calmly. “I don’t regret that I told them. Instead of continuing on with a life that was lonely and full of despair with no end in sight, I chose to grab hold of something that gave me reason to fight. Since they came into my life, I know what it is to be happy again and to feel hope, and with that, I am no longer living day by day. I look forward to things and I allow myself to envision a future.”

“And what happens when X rips it all away? Will you be able to survive losing this new little family you have all over again?” he questioned.

“Is that what this has all been about? You’d rather I be miserable and alone instead of happy with the possibility of losing that happiness again?”

He didn’t respond.