Page 31 of Love Below Zero

31

ADRIFT

JAMES

Earth isn’t where I left it. I mean, physically the Earth doesn’t stand still. It’s never in the same place, moving through space at about thirty kilometres per second. And technically I never left the planet, but it feels like it. It’s a weird form of vertigo.

Leaving the dome without a hazmat suit feels wrong. My lungs clamp up and I struggle to breathe for a few seconds. I have to remind myself that I’m not on Mars, that the atmosphere is breathable. The ride to the airstrip is pure agony.

Everything is too bright. The breeze against my skin feels like someone is touching me without my permission. The sound of the engines is too loud, and I have to resist clamping my hands over my ears like a child.

This is probably what newborn babies feel like.

I hold Rebecca’s hand on the plane, hidden under our jackets. Eventually she falls asleep on my shoulder, and I let her, even though I want to climb out of my skin.

Once we arrive in Cape Town, we’re immediately shuttled back to the hotel. We won’t have a full mission debrief until a few months later. The researchers want us to adjust to life back on Earth, and they want us to sit with our feelings for a bit. Time will provide the necessary perspective we need to accurately talk about the mission.

I’m both dreading and looking forward to being alone for a few days.

Frances hands me the keycard to my room, and my eyes lock with Rebecca’s across the hotel lobby. It’s unclear if she means for our two-month separation to start immediately.

I understand why she wants to do it, but the thought of not seeing her every day makes my chest ache. Once I’m in, I am all in. There’s no going back for me. Especially where she’s concerned.

I’m staring at her openly now, taking in the sight of her. It’s like my whole heart is walking around outside my body and I’m helpless to keep her safe.

Eli bumps my shoulder, making weird facial expressions at me.

“Are you having a stroke?” I snap at him. I don’t have time to decode his non-verbal cues.

“No.” He holds up his hands. “I can see you’re tired. We can talk later.”

I’m too tired to guess what he wants from me. The rest of the crew wander off to their rooms. Frances looks like it’s just a normal day for her. There’s nothing special for her about coming back to Earth.

Rebecca walks over, looking as haggard as I feel.

“What’s your room number?”

I look down at the keycard in my hand. “307.”

She holds hers up for me to see. “306. Guess we’re neighbours. ”

I should invite her to my room. Or at least tell her I’ll come by her room later. But exhaustion drags me down. I want the quiet.

Shit, once again I don’t know what the protocol is. Does she even want me to come to her room?

“I need to get some sleep,” I tell her. “Good night, Rebecca.”

A complicated expression flashes across her face before it’s gone. She nods. “Good night, James.”

I leave her standing in the lobby. The last thing I see before the lift doors close is her glistening brown eyes.

Sleep drags me under almost instantly. My dreams are strange. I’m in the dome again, but instead of the crew there are a thousand emperor penguins running around. I’m desperately trying to clean up after them, but it’s impossible.

I wake up exhausted, but I feel less overstimulated. I reach for my phone on the nightstand, the constant need to check it still in place even after four months of no screen time. There are a few texts from Jules, nothing from Rebecca. I frown at the phone.

We agreed to text every day, but what if the two months haven’t started yet?

I should have done a better job of communicating with her last night. Instead I was so overwhelmed I just left her standing in the lobby. It’s well into the afternoon already. Is she awake?

I pull up her number only to realise that apologising to her (again) over the phone might not be the best course of action. She’s just next door. What am I waiting for ?

I practically vault out of bed, only grabbing my glasses and my keycard before sprinting out the door. I press my ear to her door, listening for signs of life before knocking.

Nothing.

Shit. Maybe I should have texted first.

“James?”

Her voice comes from behind me and I whirl around. She’s a few paces down the corridor, dressed in her workout clothes. Her hair is plastered to her face with sweat, but she’s never looked more beautiful. I’m so relieved to see her that I sag against the door.

“What are you doing?”

I realise I must look mad. Her eyes roam over me, and I also realise I’m wearing nothing but my pants.

“I ... uhm.” I fumble for the words. “Can we go inside?”

She nods, stepping past me to open the door. Her vanilla scent washes over me and I follow her in. As soon as she shuts the door, I start.

“I’m so sorry about last night. I was just so overwhelmed and needed some space. I didn’t communicate that to you properly.”

“It’s bold of you to apologise to me in only your underwear.” She narrows her eyes at me. “Are you trying to distract me with your bare chest and tousled hair?”

“No,” I say honestly. The thought didn’t even occur to me. I run a hand through said tousled hair. “Is it working though?”

She laughs and relief washes through me. I didn’t fuck this up yet. She brushes past me, grabbing a water bottle from the mini fridge before sitting down on the bed. I walk over and sit next to her .

“I’m not going to lie, I was hurt and confused last night.”

“That wasn’t my intention, love.”

“I know.” She takes a sip of her water. “Eventually I figured out that you must have been horribly overstimulated. Hell, even I was overstimulated after all that. I can’t even imagine what it felt like for you.”

“I should have just told you that,” I groan in frustration. “But when I’m that tired, my brain has a tendency to stop working.”

“We’ll work on it,” she says confidently. She reaches out, placing a firm hand on my cheek. “You don’t look like you slept.”

“I slept badly.” I tell her about the penguin dream. “And I desperately need a shower but I don’t think I can handle the shower spray.”

“Will a bath help?”

It can’t hurt to try. I nod.

“Stay here,” she says before heading for the bathroom. Moments later I hear the water running. Once the water switches off, I join her in the bathroom. The bath tub is filled, steam rising from the water. She dims the lights.

“Get in.” She gestures toward the tub. “I’ll grab your stuff from your room.”

I stare at the bathtub like it might gain sentience and swallow me. Emotion clogs my throat. Instead of yelling at me or being angry with me about the miscommunication, she just said we’d work on it, and then proceeded to give me what I needed. My eyes burn, but I shake the tears away. I dress down, placing my glasses on the counter before climbing into the tub. The hot water is incredibly soothing and I let out a soft groan .

I hear her return a short while later.

“I got you some clean pyjamas. Plus your toiletry bag.” She sets the pyjamas on the counter and puts my toiletries within reach. “I’ll be outside if you need me.”

She heads for the door, and I make a decision.

“Rebecca?”

“Mmh?”

“Have our two months of separation started yet?”

She turns to look at me, eyes roaming over my body.

“No.”

“Then get in the bathtub.”